Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Found a letter to me from my 11 year old daughter........

That said Dear Mom, I feel like you don't love me, you are always yelling at me instead of encourging me..... I have to admit I am a yeller and My dd has ADD and She is very messy and kinda like spacey so I do get frustrated with her a lot of the time but finding this broke my heart....I feel incompitant as a mother like I have failed her in do I take her to see someone, talk to her? I will take any suggestions at this point I am desperate!!! Please Help!! No Negitivity please!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:17 PM on Mar. 22, 2009 in Money & Work

Answers (12)
  • Be honest, talk to her, explain that you found it and was wanting to discuss it with her. Not a big deal, they all do stuff like that. The important part is talking and getting it out in the open.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:18 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • did you find it? Was it left in a place where you would find it? Or did you discover it through snooping? if the latter, she might get upset if you bring up the letter....find a way to work around that and sit down for a talk.

    In any event, you need to talk with her. Is she being treated for her ADD? Spacey and messy is normal for the age. You may need to loosen up a bit; her future will neither be made nor broken by a messy room! **smile**

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:20 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • I was cleaning her room!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:23 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • I would talk to her about it in a way that you are trying to get her input tell her " I found this letter and it breaks my heart that you feel this way. What do you think I could do differently?" And really listen to what she has to say before you say anything. She will probably come up with some things that are not going to happen, but also things that you didn't realize bother her may be the real problem.

    Also you are not alone in feeling incompetent as a mother I think we all do at some point and the preteen and teen years are when it really hits.


    Answer by goaliemom93 at 3:25 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • And yes she is being treated for her ADD...and it goes a little bit beyond just a messy room though.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:26 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • I would talk to her about it.

    Answer by Clarkebar2 at 3:57 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • You don't need to take her to anyone...she's not mentally unstable! She's a hormonal preteen! Just talk to her. Don't confront her about the letter, though. She will feel violated. Instead, just sit down with her and tell her that you know you yell too much and that you are frustrated with her sometimes but that you love her and want her to FEEL loved, even when you are disciplining her. Then, practice what you preach and try to take a breather before you make decisions regarding her behavior.

    Answer by jacobsmom707 at 4:42 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • talk to her, let her do the talking and then you take your turn, treat her as an adult when you do it. i used to write my mom letters telling her the same thing and how much i didnt like her and all that stupid stuff, she took me to get "seen" by someone and it made it worse...because i wanted my mom to talk to me not some random person with a degree. who think they know whats really goin on. but eventually my mom talked to me and i talked to her and we have a very good relationship now.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:50 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • A friend of mine once told me that she and her mom spend years not speaking because when my friend told her mother that she was pregnant (17) her mother yelled and yelled, my friend moved out across the county the next day. Her mom had a hard time even finding her, but her mom still loved her so much. My friend told me if her mother had just started the yelling with "I'm probably going to say a lot of things I'll regret tomorrow, but I want you to know no matter what I'm about to say I love you more then my life." and then started yelling at her it would have made a world of difference. I remember that every time my daughter drives me to the edge! I start with something like "Look Chicky, I love you with all my heart, but I'm going to start yelling now!"

    Answer by at 5:04 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • Do you think she meant for you to find the letter? If not, it might make her really defensive if you bring it up.

    I think maybe you should just, first of all, remember she's entering a moody, hormonal period of her life and will be dramatic. Then I would listen to what she said... make it a point to encourage her, tell her and show her how much you love her. I'm sure you do now, but sometimes we tend to get really relaxed about being positive and focus on the discipline part of being a parent.

    Answer by Silvertears1275 at 5:50 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.