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should I offer to pay him

I do talk about my ex a lot on here mainly because I dont see how he could go so long without seeing these 3 beautiful kids its been since Jan. and I have been begging for their sake cause he is constantly lying to them about coming and seeing them they are 15,12, and 10. My oldest is very depressed today and has been crying and not eating she is getting skinnier by the minute and I have told her that she is only hurting herself. My ex told me lastnight he would try to see them today but now wont answer my calls.She told him in a text today that she hates his sorry ass for the way he is being. I have thought about paying him to see them since money is the root of all evil and he is truely evil. I know they are old enough to see his faults but they all are hurting cause they love him so much. Im tired of seeing them hurt and having to wipe their tears because of him. whats bad is that he still wants say so over what they do.

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heavenlypeace

Asked by heavenlypeace at 6:40 PM on Mar. 22, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 4 (37 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I wouldn't pay them. What if your child finds out, that is more damaging then him ignoring them to be honest. I would be very hurt if my father only saw me for money... I would prefer him to just lie to me. If your daughter is getting that depressed, bring up a counselor. She needs to talk to someone about all this, because it's obviously damaging her!
    celticreverie

    Answer by celticreverie at 6:43 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • I wouldn't, if he comes it will give them false hope of the future, unless they know you paid him. If they don't know you pd him, they will think he has changed and that will do them really no good. I know this sucks all around.
    KARRIEMARIE

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 6:43 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • I wouldn't pay *him*.. sorry
    celticreverie

    Answer by celticreverie at 6:43 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • Absolutely not. These kids know their father as he is. If he suddenly came around now and the kids found out why, they may very well resent you for it. Bribing their father to be involved, in my logic anyway, can only end poorly for everyone involved. Perhaps you should consider putting your daughter into counseling. If she feels she has someone neutral to talk with, she may work through some of her problems. Probably, the oldest doesn't want to see him anyway. From the sound of it, she has written him off and will probably encourage the younger ones to do the same just in an effort to keep them safe. She is going to get protective of her younger siblings and try to make them see him in the same light she does. I really think letting him make his decisions based on his morals and not on his wallet is the best avenue. Good luck, and these kids are lucky they have such a wonderful mother.
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 6:45 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • wow....love the line about evil! no dont pay him, tell him how he hurts them and begin to (to the kids- esp the oldest girl) explain how some people dont fulfill the roles we need them to in our lives, hence we must look for replacements, teach her to learn from the mistake that he is, to not get involved with men who seem like him, not to trust them, to look for sweet geeks or whatever the opposite of him is, can you get your dad, uncle, brother to fill in the dad/ man roll in their lives... ? just an idea.... i am sorry about all of that!

    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 6:46 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • I am really sorry you have to be going through this. But your children will be hurt to know that he cares more about money than them and that the only reason he came around was for money. Plus, seeing him might make things worse. I think you should go get a counselor for you daughter to work out her problems. Good luck with everything..
    AdensMommy1107

    Answer by AdensMommy1107 at 6:46 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • Paying him is not the option- the kids will hurt, I hurt still after almost 20 years of my biological father wanting nothing to do with me... but honestly I know there is a pay off... I am doing so much better in my life than he is in his (I know this because I have contact with other family over there) and in the end the greatest gift he could ever have given me is that he wasn't there.

    They will be fine, kids are resilient... this may be disappointing and troublesome to them now but as long as you are there for them and sympathetic they will be ok.
    LuckyClown

    Answer by LuckyClown at 6:48 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • I have an idea. Take the money you would have pd him and go out tonight w/ the kids and have a good time, if he comes back while you all are gone and says something, say, see how that feels. Just a thought.
    KARRIEMARIE

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 6:53 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • Thanks for so many good answers and advice just reading them brings tears to my eyes. I have begged this man and told him one day he will wake up and find its to late. All of my kids know but they hurt and it hurts me to see them hurting and my oldest already asked my dad to walk her down the isle when she gets married. It is his loss and I have learned that some people just never change.THANKS EVERYONE
    heavenlypeace

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 7:00 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

  • Don't pay him and tell him that he is not to tell them he is coming over until he's almost there (that's our rule but mine are still little) since your's are so much older I'd recommend counseling and self-esteem excercises. Don't push him into their lives and encourage them to rely on them sleves. Make it an out of sight out of mind thing. If they want to call him, fine if not then don't even mention it and the same for him, if he call great if not then oh well his loss.
    Don't beg him, don't talk to him, don't call him. Just pretend he doesn't exist. Be off hand about him in general and they will learn to do the same. Set the example on how living well is the best revenge.
    Know what i mean.
    MamiJaAyla

    Answer by MamiJaAyla at 9:46 PM on Mar. 22, 2009

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