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Love after cheating? Trust? Sex?

I have been married almost four years, and recently my husband confessed a long list of infadelity to me that happened within our first few months of marriage (while I was pregnant, let me add). I know he only confessed these things to me because he wants to turn his life around from a long struggle with porn addiction and what it has led to. I can see the difference in him as compared to the way he used to be and believe he is serious, but I just can't stop thinking about him with other women.

Because of the fact that he came to me to ask my forgiveness and the dedication I've seen in him, I think I can forgive him and I hope our marriage can become something beautiful, but to be honest- he did horrible things that I'm having a hard time coming to terms with. Has anyone out there experienced anything similar and gotten past it? How do I get these images out of my head?... how do I trust him again? Is sex possible??

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:43 PM on Mar. 23, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Personally... I would have to leave.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:56 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • Everything is possible, but it's up to you two if it is. Everyones situation is different. Are you willing to really forgive and forget? If you can't forget, or at least learn to let it be or to block out any thoughts of his cheating, then it won't work. Trust will come in time, and this has a lot to do with your SO. If he is willing to put in extra time/work to prove to you that he is sorry and won't do it again, then you may eventually get the trust back. But he has to be willing to go that extra mile. Sure you forgave and forgot, but he still fkd up and has to do his part too.
    I've been there, done that. We worked through it and our relationship actually got stronger because of it. But when we got back together, it was a lot of work on both our parts. A relationship is hard work, but a relationship after cheating is non-stop hard work with mandatory overtime.

    Answer by AmoMisBebes at 1:59 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • You can trust again, but it will likely take some time. I would work at keeping my thoughts on all the positive things about my husband. He made a mistake, he has owned up to it, and he has asked forgiveness. That takes a lot of courage. It might even help to write down a list of every positive thing you can think of. When you are tempted to think on the negative, look at your list and think about those things. You may have to be honest with him when it comes to your sex life. When you refuse to have sex with him, he's going to take that as rejection of himself as a person. So you may have to tell him that this is an area where you are struggling and ask him to be patient with you. Tell him that you really want things to be as they were before, but you need him to help you in that area. This is not just your problem. This is a problem for the two of you together, and that's how you should approach solving it.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:11 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • It can be repaired. It does take a lot of work from both of you and it takes time for your heart to heal from the betrayal of trust. It would've been completely different if you'd caught him doing it and that's why he's admitting to it. He could've kept you in the dark for who knows how long. I think the hardest part is knowing they looked you in the eye and lied to you when they said they were over at their friends, work or wherever.
    You can make it work if both of you genuinely want to and it can make you stronger as a couple. I'd ask him to tell you all of the ways that he fooled you, things that triggered the need and the actions he took so that you can watch for any red flags.
    I wish you both so much luck :)

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 2:59 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • I was fooled around on imy first marriage.I could never get over it.I could never trust him again.I filed for divorce after 2-3 failed attempts.We had two kids.I'm just not the kind of person who can let that go.Some women are, I am not one of them.

    Answer by evelynwest at 6:01 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • Have faith, it already sounds like your dh is on the right path to turning it around...we all start somewhere. I really recommend a site like because they will be supportive of what's best for you and help you ask yourself exactly what that would be. I stayed. It's been almost a year and though I still struggle with certain aspects, I can honestly say that I love my husband once more. I'm not ready to say I trust him yet, but we're getting there. Sex has been great since dh "detoxed" from the porn...he's back to being the gentle/attentive lover that I've missed for years. Dh's transformation has been remarkable and I don't regret putting the work into our marriage. I wish you all the best...take care of yourself and check out the site I posted if you haven't already.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:36 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • email me privately, i have a lot i have been through to help you with dealing with your fears.

    Answer by stefirose22 at 2:54 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

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