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To tell or not to tell?

Ok, explain this one. My DH was molested by an uncle when he was around 10. He was left with the uncle along with his sister and brother...he is not sure if they were molested also, while his parents were out of town. He has never told.

Now my DD has a friend of 18 who has an uncle trying to do the same. Will sit next to her and throw a blanket over them and touch her thigh. Well she told my DD who told us. My DH is soooo upset that this girl is refusing to tell her mom. Yet at the same time it happened to him and he would never tell because "it would cause hurt and trouble for his mom" I don't get it. Why is he so hell bent on DD's friend telling when he was a victim of this himself and never told?


Asked by Anonymous at 10:08 AM on Mar. 24, 2009 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Sounds like he wishes he could've told and knows that the weight of carrying that around his whole life feels like and doesn't want this girl to go through the same thing. I agree with him she should tell someone. Esp if it hasn't actually gotten past touching inapporopriatly yet bc I couldn't imagine having that happen to me or anyone I know and to avoid it would be better then keeping your mouth shut in fear of 'hurt feelings in the family'

    Answer by theheartbaby at 10:12 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • I agree with the heartbaby. He probably wishes he told and has the weight on him as well as probably some emotional hurt about it. He KNOWS first hand how it can affect a person and he doesnt want this young girl to go through it. I think he should try to talk to her, since he's been in her shoes, but also you need to inform her parents. Even if she refuses, she is scared, and although she is 18 she is still young and innocent. No one should be sexually molested or abused and I think people that see the warning signs/know have the responsibility to help them. (JMO)

    Answer by AdensMommy1107 at 10:17 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • Because it just hard to say, I have never told anyone. But I would tell her mother and do not wait till something happiness.
    I told people with kids that never let any one change you kids diapers. And keep your eyes open. Don't you think that it is strange that a man put a blanket over him and a child?? I showed sings that I did not like someone. You have to keep and eye on what kids are telling you. HELP HER!!

    Answer by gammie at 10:19 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • It is NOT too late for your husband to tell. In all likelihood statues have long since expired and no proof exists. What can be gained then? HIs emotional well being. If this uncle is still alive bet your butt he is still molesting children. Your hub needs finally get rid of this burden. It is not his to carry. He was an innocent child. I am the survivor of molestation/abuse from a family member. I did not tell until long after I was grown. The sense of relief was tremendous for me. I also learned by telling that several other people in the family had fallen prey to him.  As for your DD friend. She needs to tell. If she doesn't..YOU need to tell for her. Offer to go with her. Any touch that makes you feel uncomfortable is WRONG. Period.



    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 10:28 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • I actually expirienced the same thing when I was about 6 or 7. My own grandpa did that to me except worse and I didn't tell anyone until I was about 18. Now that I have spoken to my family about it I am more comfortable talking about it with others. BUT when you go through something like that It stays with you FOREVER. There isn't a single day that goes by that I dont think of it at some point. Its a terrible thing that I would wish on NO ONE! I understand how he feels. And I agree that you should tell because there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I would have told sooner. The funny thing is ( im sure this will be different with your family) NOT ONE person except my dad acted on what happend!!! My dad was so mad that it happend to me that he wanted to kill my so called "grandpa" ( this guy is my moms dad by the way). When I told my mom this is what she said. "are you lying" and "it doesn't matter anymore, he's old now"

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • To have your own mother tell you "it doesn't matter anymore, he's old now" nearly killed me. It literally felt like my heart broke in two. How could you ask someone if they were lying and then tell them that it doesn't matter anyway because he's old??? ESPECIALLY after it took SOOO much to finally say something about it??? Anyway, thats another topic, my mom and I have had problems ever since she left me and my siblings to go and party and drink.... She's got alcohol problems by the way. Anyways. What my point is, is that someone should be told before it gets worse...god forbid it does or already has. Its a terrible thing to live with.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:52 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • ok i was rapped,i know what he is feeling.nobody believes you.theres is alot of pain and lingering thought to the bast ard is for your husband to take things in his own hands if he doesnt want to tell anyone and it is hard because then you have to start to tell your story which is hard you dont always want to talk about it.he should confront the molester himself.tell him that you guys know what he is doing.maybe kick some butt.because this is going to watching tv under the blankets tommorro something else....dont sit still please you owe it to this girl....

    Answer by snowmom974 at 11:07 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • He doesnt want anyone else to feel like he does. I know the feeling. I am sure he also feels like it happened so long ago it would be pointless to say anything unless to cause problems. I see it as the girl should tell now so she isnt subjected to his advances anymore and risk something worse happen that she will have to live with for the rest of her life.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • I would tell any one who was willing to listen.That is why perverts get away with molesting to begin with.I've got kids.And some things are worth going to go to jail for,I wouldn't need the police or courts to handle it.They'd never molest another child.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:44 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • You need to get together with this girl and tell her that you know and want to help her tell her mom, and if she freaks or refuses then you tell the mom. One poster sad maybe have your husband talk to her, but I wouldnt do that, if this guy is really screwing with her she may be hesitant to talk to a guy about it, or if he does want to talk to her you be there too. Not sayijng your husband would do anything, but that she is being abused she may not feel comfortable talking about it with anbother guy in there. I know I wouldnt be.

    Answer by AK_aries at 11:51 AM on Mar. 24, 2009