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Sibling jealousy??

I am expecting my first child, my SO has a three year old daughter. She is already overly jealous of anyone who gets any attention at all from her father. It's hard for the two of us to do anything before bed time. Nothing we do works. She pushes her way in between us, screams until he answers her, and sometimes she even purposely has accidents knowing he has to change her.(Did I mention she has been potty trained for over a year) I worry that this jealousy might carry over when the baby is born. How do we break this SUPER-JEALOUSY before we have a baby to take care of??

 
hippiemom1983

Asked by hippiemom1983 at 11:45 AM on Mar. 24, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (8)
  • I think what you have here is a very insecure child who, even though she is not old enough to process things mentally, knows that her daddy is the only little piece of security that she has in all the world. And she is trying for all she's worth to keep him for herself. How much energy are you putting into letting her know that you, too, are trustworthy and that she can depend on you? Does she have a grandmother who is investing time in her life? Where is her real mom? What you are seeing is nothing more than the result of the instability that has been a part of this little girl's life. Unless you figure out how to fix it now, she will suffer emotionally for the rest of her life. She has been wounded, and she is doing the only thing she knows to do to protect herself from further hurt. She sees you as a threat to that, and you are right in being concerned that she will see your new child in the same light.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:55 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • That's hard it will probably only get worse, my suggestion to you would be to have her be involved as much as possible with the new baby, so she feels important too. Have her think she's really helping you out, really taking care of the baby. It will probably still be rough though. Good Luck!
    Rachel24517

    Answer by Rachel24517 at 11:51 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • OMG she is not your child is she? Honey, that is totally normal. You have to have patience and understanding if this is going to work. I hope you are not the type that wants to push this new baby on the father in hopes of turning him against his 3 year old.. because that simply won't happen. You are going to have to find a way to deal with this. A father always loves his children. What you need to do is try to send her to some big sister classes... the hospital has them. From your note, I can tell that this is bothersome to you, but Honey, it's not right for you to judge that 3 year old.. she is a baby herself. DO NOT start this stuff because you sound jealous of her! Remember, you knew this going into it. That 3 year old is HIS BABY. If you don't like it, you might be the one out of the picture before too much longer.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:52 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • i am in same situation with my step son but his 11 years old,when he is with us 5 days i feel i am divorce from my husband because we can`t do anythings together he is so jealousy and don`t let his dad be near to me,if we are sitting together he will call him hundreds of time just want him to be near him.i ma expecting baby too and i am very afraid honesty i will never trust him to be with baby,i am giving him all space now and after the baby i will see what happen because its realy not life and i can`t live like this all the time,so he need to act as normal or he will stay with his mother,because she is living happily and me sending her son to treat me bad and stress me.i tried so hard to be nice to him but it come to start hitting me with things and speaks very bad longuage to me.so is no away to deal with him.just accept me or he is going to see his father 2 days insted 5 days or maybe less.good luck to you and me
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:04 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • maybe try setting up lil playdates for the father and daughter, she might feel like she is being left out or going to be left out once the baby arrives..set aside special time for her so that she feels like she is included..talk to her about it, tell her how shes gonna be a big sister, and get her all excited about helping you feed/change/bath the new baby, maybe take her to a store and let her pick out a special toy or outfit for the new arrival..just help her be as much involved as possible..its gonna be tough, but you can get thru this! your a mom! youre tough!! best of luck!
    alexis_06

    Answer by alexis_06 at 1:16 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • t's hard for the two of us to do anything before bed time. Nothing we do works. She pushes her way in between us,

    Are you serious, My husband and i have 2 kids together and right at bed time here they come squeezing their way in between us and they stay there until they fall asleep, than we carry them to their beds. They are 3 and 1. Thats just how it is.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:24 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • The more you try to keep her out, the more she will feel the need to push herself in! All kids want to be in the center of things...and now with a new baby coming, you really have to be sure to include her as much as possible. It may seem worse, but if you try to exclude her she will definitely feel it and respond by trying even harder. She needs a lot of understanding and love right now...lots of attention. The more secure she feels, the less needy she will be. This is a long term plan, though. At three, she just needs the attention!!!!! Sorry...but it is true.
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 4:30 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • I think a couple of points some posters are missing...

    Its not that OP is jealous of a 3 year old. I think that (from how she describes the situation) the daughter is manipulating the dad's time. Even kids with both bio-parents married do this! IMO the dad needs to set more rules regarding the daughter. If she is screaming at him, he needs to correct that behavior. If she is pushing in between them (sometimes its ok) but he needs to let her know that she can't always do that. And while I think it may be stress more than purposfully having accidents, then OP should get involved changing her too.

    That being said, I do agree with some PPs saying to get the daughter involved with the pregnancy. Talk about how great it will be to be a big sister (and hopefully how that role means she has to be a 'big girl' and act right) and involve her with setting up the baby's room, or picking out the baby's clothes, etc.
    ozarkgirl3

    Answer by ozarkgirl3 at 5:42 PM on Mar. 24, 2009