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Talking about medical problems

If an adopted child is having medical problems, should the Parents tell the bmom? Is it more difficult for her to know when she is powerless to do anything? How do you say it with out the bmom getting defensive and feeling like the parents are "blaming" them if they bring up medical problems?

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:13 PM on Mar. 24, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (11)
  • it could be passed down from the bmom so I would talk to her about it...if it is a serious medical problem

    Answer by Mikayla_lynn at 12:18 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • I actually have a good friend that gave her daughter up 9 years ago. She still talks to the a-parents, but they live on the other side of the country so she doesnt see their daughter. Only pics. She was diagnosed with Asburgers (sp?) and didnt tell her for 2 years! She was really upset, not about the diagnosis but over the fact that they didnt tell her about it. It really is your decision, but my friend had a good point too, what if she had some insight to earlier symptoms that she overlooked (she had her for 9 months before placing her) or medical history that wasnt looked at, or hell, even one more person to pray for her. She didnt think at all that they were trying to blame her, but just that even though she is not part of her life she always wants the best for her and could have at least been praying for her and know what kind of life she had. If you have an even semi open adoption I would let the b-mom know.

    Answer by AK_aries at 12:19 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • When I found out my daughter was autistic I called the birhfamily..I know all their medical history and they know my daughters. I have an open adoption so we can call eachother when ever we want. I just ask...hey has anyone had this or that because Faith has it...
    Not a big deal for us..
    Why would anyone feel defensive it is not about them it is about taking good care of the children.

    Answer by Dannee at 12:40 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • Yes I'd like to know. I want to know anything..not just good itsnt all good, all the time. I think its unrealistic to give updates to bmoms & only include everything good instead of being honest. Its like some amoms are afraid we will think they arent' be good moms if there is anyting wrong ever.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:22 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • If it's something that you need to speak with the bmom about, like her family history so that you can give the child's doctor accurate medical history, then yes, try and talk to her and get that info. But if it's just to chat and inform her that the child is sick, then no. She has no legal standing in the child's medical care anyhow...why bother her with it. She gave up the child for a reason.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:24 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • ANON, You have posted a very good question. There will, unfortunately be many whom this could help in the future. When "we" as parents vow to love, protect, and do all we can to keep 'our' children healthy , happy, and safe, we do so with the thought of doing ALL we are capable of doing. So, this would lead me to believe, that if this medical condition can be helped in any way ,shape or form, then as the childs parents, it would be a no brainer but to call that childs firstmom, and get all pertanent info that she may be able to provide. When "we" relinquish, our child, it is not because we don't love them, and we wouldn't do whatever we could to help is because we were unable to parent them in the way that would be best for them. Do not assume anything, CALL, you owe that to your child! I send this with prayers and Blessings...C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 1:31 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • My sons adoptive mom told me when my son had medical problems. I wanted to know, I would have been hurt if she hadn't told me. She didn't tell me when he got arrested for tagging though...hmmmm :D

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:48 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • I would think it would be best to tell her. From reading your post, it looks like they have contact. When my daughter fell at the McDonald's Playland at 2 years old and fractured her leg, her birthmother is one of the first people I called. I felt horrible, even though I couldn't have stopped it from happening. We just have a close relationship, and I called her like I would have called any other friend. She told me that day that she is glad she chose us, and that we were the best choice for her. Ok, different from your friend's situation, but I don't think she should worry that the birthmother will think she is blaming her.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:08 PM on Mar. 24, 2009

  • I do not tell my child's bmom about every medical issues. Not b/c I don't think she deserves to know. I attempted to tell her about medical issues being worked addressed. Her reaction was to pass it off as just being a late bloomer. She didn't like the thought that there were issues. Perhaps she did think that blame was being placed. If I needed medically more insight I would ask her. But the types of treatment being given currently would not change whether it was genetic or not. Still the same. Her preference is to not know the "bad" stuff and truly it is not bad stuff. Just stuff. But I have to respect boundaries. Now if he was truly very ill or had a life changing disorder - whether she is comfortable or not she is his mother and this child has the right to have the woman who gave birth to him informed. It comes down to when his rights trump her discomfort. I am not responsible for her feelings on this issue.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:54 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • When my daughter had cancer I called the bio mom she said cancer did run in her family. My sweet girl needed a bone marrow transplant. The bio mom and bio dad were married and had other children two were adults the other three were teens. When I asked if they would get tested to see if they could donate they agreed and got tested. The bio mom was a match and agreed to donate. A week before my angel was to recieve this treatment the bio mom changed her mind and we could not find another donor. My beautiful and brave daughter died a few months later. The bio mom and bio dad (more like egg and sperm donors) tried to come to the funeral but were banned if she would not give my child something that might have saved her she has no right to be there. She was not told where my child was buried and we never allowed her to see my daughters twin brother again.


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:34 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

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