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DO YOU HONESTLY FEEL THE CLOSE BOND AT THE START WITH YOUR STEP CHILD OR GRANDHILD AS YOU DO WITH YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD OR GRANDCHILD

MY SON HAS JUST BEEN MARRIED A COUPLE OF MONTHS. MY SON GETS VISITATION WITH HIS BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER 2 WEEKENDS OUT OF THE MONTH AND HE LETS ME GET HER A FEW HOURS ON SUNDAYS MOST OF TIME . MY DAUGHTER INLAW DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I DON'T GET HER 2 CHILDREN AS WELL. MY RESPONSE IS THAT MY GRANDDAUGHTER NEVER GETS ANY PERSONAL TIME WITH ANYONE FROM MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY AND I USE THAT TIME TO VISIT MY MOTHER AND SISTER. I SEE HER KIDS OFTEN I TALK ON THE PHONE WITH THEM. I LOVE THEM BUT I DON'T HAVE A BOND WITH THEM AS I DO MY BIOLOGICAL GRANDDAUGHTER. MY QUESTION, IS IT OK TO HAVE THOSE FEELINGS, IS IT NORMAL AT THE START? IS IT RIGHT TO FEEL WHEN SHE COMES OVER SHE SHOULD REALLY GET ATTENTION FROM HER DAD? BEING THAT THATS THE ONLY TIME SHE GETS TO SEE HIM. MY SON LOVES HIS STEPKIDS AND THEY BOND WITH HIM EVERYDAY AND LAY IN HIS ARMS ALL WEEK BUT WHEN HIS CHILD COMES THEY DON'T ALLOW IT THEY PUSH HER AWAY

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STEPGRANDMOTHER

Asked by STEPGRANDMOTHER at 9:47 AM on Mar. 25, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • I think the feelings are pretty normal, but I worry that it will push your DIL away. Could you try doing things with all of them sometimes? I just think that could cause somewhat of a rift between you.
    erika.lyn

    Answer by erika.lyn at 9:52 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • It is normal and okay you have those feelings. Your putting that little girl first and all the step mom can say is how unfair it is. I have seen alot of grandparents and step parents bond only to have a divorce happen and then the kids go away. Thats probably why alot of people dont bond. If this is a second marriage for either of them they have an 80 percent chance of divorce within the first 5 years.. Sad but true just keep being there for that little girl and maybe occasionaly invite the other kids. Just so she isnt hounding your son to death. YOu should also talk to your son in private about how they push his child away.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:52 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • Before I had my own kids, when it was just me husband and I and my step son, I would have said absolutely yes! But then my son was born, and I felt what the true mother son bond is. I still love my stepson, and would do absolutely anything for him, but there's no use pretending that it is exactlu the same.
    my2.5boys

    Answer by my2.5boys at 9:53 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • they push who away? the daughter? cause that not nice.and to me unfair. as for bond i really cant help i know it is normal. i have 2 sd's who i love like i pushed them out myself and would do anything to protect them. as i would for my 2 bio's. my mom does treat all kids the same and will take all 4 when she can cause it gives me a break and time with my husband. i think as a mom i would be upset if u treated my kids diffrently ( we are all family ) but if u see her kids and take them for her then i say its ok to just take bio i know thats how i would be. i hope i helped even a little and wish u luck its a hard thing sometimes to have a bledned family. good luck xo
    tabbys4

    Answer by tabbys4 at 10:05 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • My mom is the same way. She has a bond with my daughter that is endless, and she even has other bio grandchildren. My fiance has 2 girls 2 years younger than my daughter. I have to remind my mother that I have 2 other children. It really hurts my fiance's feelings when my mom favors my daughter. My fiance's parents treat all the children the same, but my mom she is another story.
    I understand though, the love is different and you can not change what your heart feels. I would just try to develope a closer relationship with the other children. It will help the family be stronger.
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 10:57 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • I can't answer this but I've seen it asked so many times. I see both answers, Tabby's and the others. Some say yes I have both and love them all just the same, and others' say no.

    I pray that if we do have biokids too someday I feel the same about both because it's best for the kids if they are treated equally - and it's easier to do that with feelings that are the same.

    Even if however, my opinion on this changes, I will work hard to make sure SD doesn't know it. She has been terrified from day one we will have children and she wont matter anymore.

    As a SKid I can personally tell you being treated differently, SUCKS.
    Praying

    Answer by Praying at 12:15 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • I don't think you do feel the same at first, love grows, it's not instant (even from pregnancy you've taken 9 months to fall in love with that child). Here's my thinking tho.. even tho you don't feel the "bond", take all 3 children and go do something fun, have them over to bake cookies, walk thru the park, read and discuss books, something that includes all or you're going to make the kids think you're favoring your blood grandchild. They see and feel it even if you don't want them to. If anyone did that to my step child, I'd refuse all visits with any of my children.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 1:33 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • It's only been a couple months since they married. Everyone needs adjustment times. I would think it out of the norm if you can instantly love like that. Personally, I've got to get to know people before I become attached. I don't necessarily agree with grabbing all three kids either. My Goodness, when you are used to one on your own and then suddenly three...if anything I would find that a job until I got to know them. Just do the typical Grama thing. See the goodness in each one of them and work on that and at your own speed. If and when you feel like grabbing all three then do so, but don't try to force yourself into feelings you cannot have at the drop of a hat.
    steponme

    Answer by steponme at 2:48 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

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