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adoption

I am an adoption Mom for almost 5 years now..my 13 year old needs info about her bio mom..she knows who she is what she looks like..and that she is in prison..she is frustrated because she wants to know who she looks like..she looks my husband her real father.her bio-mom is very mean and just not a nice person..her aunts would like to talk to her but are not sure on how much info to tell a 13 year old..she how has hated me for the past 5 months..we have started counseling for her that deals with being adopted.her bio mom just didn't care and as far as we know still doesn't.
I have been in my daughters lives 10 years this August..Her bio mom gave up on her..I told my daughter that I wasn't leaving and not giving up..just because her real mom did..I won't..and she hates hearing that from me..she has gotton so mean and nasty to me..the counseler said she is taking out her anger towards her mother on the only person she can.HELP

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:22 AM on Mar. 25, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (8)
  • I also have a 13 yr old I adopted 5 years ago (boy). His situation is different. He was in foster care. But he very much misses his bio mom. Thinks she does no wrong. But he also appreciates us adopting him due to his hard time in foster care. All I can tell you is always be honest, but don't put the bio mom down. She gonna have to figure it out on her own time and terms. As a teenager that was quick to take my anger out on my mom I can tell you it too shall pass. My mom and I are now best friends and I respect her immensly, but I really hated her when I was growing up.
    mardigrasqueen

    Answer by mardigrasqueen at 11:37 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • you may be able to find a picture of her online with the Dept of Corrections for the state she is in. and does no one in the family have pics of her?
    mardigrasqueen

    Answer by mardigrasqueen at 11:40 AM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • Yes we have shown her pictures of her Birth mom..we are still in contact with that side of the family..Both Aunts are always in her life and we spend Christmas with them and they come to our house in the summer...2 to 3 times a year plus both sides can call each other at any time..
    I have never said anything bad about her Mom..be in Jail or prison most of her life says it all..
    Birth moms Grandma won't have anything to do with my girls either..Birth mom referred to my daughter the F---in Kid..my daughter never recieved hugs or kisses or holding from her.She spent the first 9 months of her life in a car seat..Birth mom brags about being the Devil...so where do I go from there...thanks for the info..anthing is worth a try..but I told her I am not giving up on her and I am keeping her..Love her to pieces..she just doesn't see it anymore...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:10 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • Hi, Sorry for your situation. Love is the answer. She is at a very difficult age whether you are her biological Mom or her adopted Mom. Please try 2 place yourself in her shoes 2 try & understand what she is going through & how she feels. Teens are sometimes very difficult 2 to deal with. She needs to know & hear every day how much you love her. Give her every understanding you possibly can. Get some books for her 2 read about being adopted that may help. Do the little things. Get her some precious little gifts occasionally to show her how much love her. Tell her you care. It is not the having of a child it is the raising of a child. I took care of many other children besides my own and fell in love with many of them if not all of them. Hug her often if she will let you. Take her places she loves to go. Do some special things that she loves. Get her some bubble bath. It is the little things done to show love and care
    Heartprints143

    Answer by Heartprints143 at 12:43 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • She told me last night that I did not give birth to her, so I didn't count.I told her if I had given birth to her I would of never left..I don't yell at her that is like fuel to the fire. She thrives on arguing and I don't give her that. She gets hugs like it or not..I hug her when she isn't paying attention.lol
    It doesn't give her a chance to pull away and try to get mad. I hug her quick and say got ya!
    Instead of having a chip on her shoulder, she has the whole tree. My husband thanks me for coming home from work everyday. He is my support when it is ugly we both are each others backup so we don't cave to her demands and tirades. The special things we buy her, her birth mom would of bought her better and given her that cell phone that she wants..But we still here sometimes cruzing through the day..other times hacking through hour to hour till bed time.
    Thank God for bed time.I really appreciate the comments and advice,B
    BrendaSF

    Answer by BrendaSF at 7:48 AM on Mar. 26, 2009

  • You are doing the right things by talking to her and showing her how much you love her, and getting her counseling. She is lashing out at you with the anger she has for her bio mom....she wants someone to feel the pain she is going thru, and taking it out on you because you care and her bio mom doesn't......Good luck
    Stuee

    Answer by Stuee at 1:30 PM on Mar. 26, 2009

  • Shes feeling rejected and abandoned and youre the only one there that she can take her anger out on. Its very very important that you remain a constant stable person in her life. Give this time, once she works through her anger and lets go of her bio mom....you will be the person shes looking for. Shes obviously still holding on to her. Shes confused and doesnt understand why her mother won't love her and BE her mother. If you will continue to love her and be there for her and do for her just like she was your own....she will become your own. Shes gotta let go of that other person she thinks is her mom. You are her mom. Don't ever leave her....SHe loves you more than you know or that she shows and one day you will see the fruit of your labor. Good luck.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 1:48 PM on Mar. 26, 2009

  • This weekend..was awful..I am so down because she keeps at it and at it..about her bio mom..
    I want to tell her so bad..but it would get me nowhere...I am so lost..B
    BrendaSF

    Answer by BrendaSF at 8:17 PM on Mar. 29, 2009

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