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Have you ever been the step mom

My fiance and i just had our first so it's not such a problem yet, but he's got a 4 year old and she's an amazing kid. she does have a bratty side tho, don't get me wrong i know all kids do, but she gets away with murder with her daddy and i don't want my lil one (peyton) to think that it's ok to do that.... i want her to be a disciplined child that i can take out in public and know i won't be embarassed b/c she throws herself into the floor and pitches a fit. i need help b/c i don't want to tell him how to raise his child, but i don't want peyton to think that we're playing favorites with nevaeh.

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AshleyLin09

Asked by AshleyLin09 at 12:54 PM on Mar. 25, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (6)
  • Good luck on this one, cause you will hear so many different things.. My fiance has 2 children 2 years younger than my daughter who is 4. In our home all the children are taught respect, respect for eachother and respect for themselves. No one is treated different. And YES I discipline my stepchildren. It works in my house because my fiance and I are on the same page with discipline.
    You need to get on the same page with your fiance or the road ahead will be very bumpy. One child can not be treated differently than the other.
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 1:06 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • In our house, we have the behavior expectations for all the kids. I agree with you that it's very hard to raise kids with different standards of behavior and your younger child will try to get away with everything he sees his big sister doing. You and DH need to set up a time to sit down and discuss this when neither of you is upset about it, and work out household rules and consequences that you can both agree with. Also, there is a great group on here for stepmoms with biokids. Check it out, it is a great resource for moms in our shoes! http://www.cafemom.com/group/31609

    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 1:34 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • You're going to have to be honest with him, that's the only way to get this resolved. You don't have to be harsh or mean, but just point out the things that you see that she gets away with, and how you don't want your child to get away with those things. Also, does his daughter live with you two or with her mom? That may play a part in it, too; often the parent that only gets visitation will let the child get away with more b/c they don't want to "ruin" thier time together with discipline and getting the child mad. And he may not even realize what he's doing, either. Guys can be dense sometimes. I would just sit down and tell him you've been thinking, and here's what you see, does he see the same thing? Ask him how he proposes to make sure both kids feel they are being treated fairly (the 4yo may feel jealous later b/c your child lives with her father, and she doesn't, so you'll want to prepare for that, too.)
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 1:36 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • I'm a step mom.She is 17 now, but she was the same when she was little.My husband had alot of guilt.and that is why he wouldn't discipline her.and when I did he would get mad at me and say to me "You just don't like her".It took a long time and a lot of fighting to get him to see that it wasn't about liking or not liking her, I was trying to make her boundries(which noone else would).And we have a son.I didn't want him to have one set of rules and her a different set of rules.so I treated them both the same.He got mad at me alot.Still does.But he gets over it.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 1:54 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • I would invite you to visit my page.I found my step daughter from a long ago marrage i loved her so much!!!I have her back!!
    mamamom431

    Answer by mamamom431 at 6:37 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

  • We also had this happen at my house. My stepson is 15 now, but when he was younger and needed some guidance in the form of discipline, my DH was useless, lol. I think he felt guilty because he live with his son, all the parenting issues that stem from divorce. We fought about behavioral issues many times, because things weren't addressed. Finally, I told my DH that he really wasn't helping his son by being so lenient and not guiding him in what was the right and wrong way to behave. Slowly but surely, he became his son's dad, not just his friend. We have a 2 yr. old now and he is a softy with her too. I have to remind him sometimes that it's okay to correct her, that I don't have to be the bad guy all of the time. His philosophy used to be, "Well, he isn't hurting anything." My DH is a wonderful, kind, compassionate, loving Dad. I'm not complaining one bit. His son has turned out to be a great kid, BTW.
    Mizzjos

    Answer by Mizzjos at 10:22 PM on Mar. 25, 2009

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