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The buck stops where?

Scenario: 14yo sustains hand injury that necessitates going to the urgent care center. Father and/or stepmother take him to the UC, where he is treated for a minor fracture, and sent home. -- 14yo is in joint-living arrangement with parents; one week with dad, one week with mom; back and forth. -- *Important note... 'mom' and son have strained relationship; mom and dad/stepmom have even worse relationship. 'Mom' has ongoing self-issues. 14yo son is in 'dad's custody when injury takes place. 'Mom' will certainly have wanted to been told of the incident. QUESTION: Does dad call mom, to let her know of the injury, explain the outcome, etc? Does dad ask 14yo son what HE wants them to do, and follow his wishes? At 14, is son old enough to say, "Dont tell mom", and subsequently 'dad' doesnt say a word? ---- The phrase has been put, "It was [14yo's] decision not to tell his mom." ---- In your opinion, is that good enough?


Asked by Anonymous at 1:54 PM on Mar. 27, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • She should have been told and dad should have been the one to tell her. The 14 year old is still a child. If I was mom , I would have been highly upset. She didn't have to be at the ER but she needed to be told the same day.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 5:26 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • I think she should be told. She will find out eventually.

    Answer by mamaofwildboys at 1:59 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • i would tell the mom

    Answer by aliciatron at 2:01 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • NOPE !! IMO a living arrangement as such offers NO stability to a 14 year old teen with a normal 14 year old mind process. Back & forth, back & forth, bla..bla...How is that helpful? I would rip my hair out !! I would document & go back to modify custody. Of course your relationship is strained under such an arrangement. Is dad abusive? Do you need a break? Maybe son needs to live with dad full time for a while to find out about reality on a daily basis & weekends with you could IMPROVE your relationship. I have a 15 year old boy. Dad isn't a choice. Been 10 years on my own. When boys are this age if there is an acceptable alternative I can see a mom needing a break. Let Dad & SM see how it feels to deal with him week after week? Maybe?


    Answer by strongmom40 at 2:05 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • --- Strongmom40.... First of all, as cliche' as this sounds.... this really ISNT me. LOL! =) I'm really struggling with the decision of another parent, but its not my business to say anything either way... my objective here, is just to see if 'my way of thinking' is in the minority.

    I completely agree..... back n forth is horrible! I dont agree with it, at all. Again, not my choice. The scenario here, however, is just the opposite....... Dad HAS went for full custody, and lost, because the teen(s) said they wanted to go back n forth, initially. Of course, 30k in attorney's fees later, now the teen suddenly has a change of heart. Go figure. ----- This gets really ugly, when you add the fact that 'MOM' is addicted to narcotics, and can be impossible to live with; certainly not as a "mother should be". Everyone, even her own current husband, is aware of the situation, but she continues to deny and try to hide.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:15 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • *** Adding the footnote, that my role in this - however unimportant - is that I am friends with the "dad and stepmom". Its one of these rare cases, where the shoe is on the other foot. Dad and stepmom would like nothing more that for "MOM" to fall off the face of the earth.... and considering a looong history of bad behavior on behalf of 'mom', I can understand where they are coming from.

    HOWEVER, as much as I have personal issues with this woman, I am taking an objective opinion. My thoughs are, despite her misgivings, this is her son, and she has a right to know. I just dont agree that at 14, a child should have this last word.

    This is an injury. They KNOW that she'd want to know, and they KNOW that its only going to add fuel to the fire, by withholding what she'll eventually find out anyway. I dont understand whats to be gained by that, and why they'd use the 14yo's word as the excuse.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:28 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • Dad definitely should have at least called mom as soon as they got home and said I want to let you know (son) did whatever and we just took him to the ER and they said he fractured his hand.....If having mom at the ER would have caused a scene I can backup having the 14 decide if he wanted her there or not, but she should have been told about the injury when it happened since she is probably going to see him the next week and find out about it then.

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 3:18 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • Put yourself in the other persons shoes. Yes the mom should know. Its her son. She should have been called the same day.

    Answer by JCRestoredme at 3:29 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • Depending on the state, he can make any decisions he wants at 14 when it pertains to his living arrangement. I live in California and I chose to stop seeing at 12 years old as soon as I was of legal age to do so.

    As far as not telling mom, I'm pretty sure they can do whatever they like. If the son didn't find it important enough, then it must not have been. And it really depends on how he broke his hand. If abuse was suspected (which I doubt at 14 y/o), then I would report it. Otherwise, boys do dumb stuff at that age and there first thought isn't to run to mommy anymore. :(

    Answer by MommyHess at 11:04 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • I just read the rest of this.. If mom is on narcotics, she's probably making a scene for the mear sake of doing so. A 14 year old is still a child, yes.. But plenty old enough to be aware of what's going on and make his own decisions on a living arrangement.

    Answer by MommyHess at 11:09 PM on Mar. 27, 2009