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A Question for Birth Moms and Step Moms . . .

Birth moms: Do you get along with your ex and his/her wife/girlfriend? Why or why not?

Step moms: Do you get along with your SO's ex and/or his/her children? Why or why not?

Here's why:

I've noticed that step moms in society always have the bad rap. We're always depicted in the most horrible light in Hollywood specifically. Well, I find it to be the opposite here on Cafe Mom. Here, it seems that Birth Mothers are always the ones given the bad rap, and I'm curious as to why?

No bashing: civil conversation please.

Answer Question

Asked by jennijune_21 at 2:20 PM on Mar. 27, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (56 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • In my situation my stepson lives with my husband and I. He is 6 and we have a great relationship. I don't have much contact with his birth mother, nor does my husband either really. She only has visitation 6 weeks per year and voluntary gave my husband custody. She will tell you it's because the world is against her and she wants what's best for her son, which is to be with us. The real reason is that she is lazy and selfish. Because she has made it so easy on us and we are happy with the arrangement with her, AND the fact that she lives far away makes our relationship with her a lot easier to keep positive.
    I will say that being a stepmom is the hardest job on earth, especially when you do all the work of a "real" mom. You have to do all the work but no matter what you still aren't MOM. I think that's why a lot of stepmoms have such a bad feeling toward the biological moms.

    Answer by stepmom929 at 2:26 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • I'm a stepmom. I try very hard to get along with my husbands ex wife. She had another baby shortly after me and my husband got married, and I bought her baby outfits and sent her a note telling her that I knew she didn't like me, and if I was her, I probably would'nt like me either.. But I wanted us to get along for my stepsons sake.. She refused.. Threatened to kick my ass everytime I went my husband to pick up my stepson.. Yadda Yadda.. The whole bit. She's getting better about it now. She quit talking about me really bad because my stepson defends me when she bad mouths me, so she's calmed it down.. But still doesn't like me. And I absolutely love my stepson. My husband works alot on weekend, so we have alot of quality time.. He knows I didn't give birth to him.. But I'm still momma.. I really could'nt love him anymore if he was my biological son.

    Answer by PeytonsMom21109 at 2:26 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • I'm a step mom.I really have never had much to do with the exwife.We've not friends but we are not enemies either.I have made alot of sacrifices in my life for her to get her child support. And for her daughter to have things that my son will never have. I don't like her because she has always put her daughter in the middle of the mess from the divorce.And her daughter gets clothes from the thrift store.And her momma gets new clothes, has a new car, and her nails done.I wouldn't have liked a person like that anyway.But I get along fine with my step daughter.

    Answer by evelynwest at 2:27 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • I'm a step-daughter so I hope you don't mind me chiming in here. My parents divorced before I was old enough to remember and my dad remarried when I was 6. My mom and dad have had a civil relationship and my mom and stepmom are cool with each other. My dad lives in PA my mom and I lived in AR. I would visit Dad during the summers. The first year I was 6 and stayed for 3 weeks and I cried every night for the first week. They were ready to send me home and my mom told them if they did I would never want to go back. So they kept me and a few years later I started staying longer and eventually spent the entire summer there. When I was 14 my mom drove me up because we took a trip to D.C. and my mom stayed at their house. Everyone got along fine. My mom never bad mouthed my dad until I got older and then I knew what he was like. He's not a bad guy, but I sure wouldn't want to be married to him. LOL.

    Answer by Christina807 at 2:38 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • Funny thing is, my stepmom has a lot of the same complaints my mom has and sometimes says she can see why my mom never remarried. LOL. My stepmom has always been great and doesn't try to be my mom but is a good friend. My mom wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I was old enough to take care of them myself. The summer that I was 11 my stepmom called my mom to ask her if it was okay and then she took me to get it done. Neither of them have ever bad mouthed each other. One year I got mad at my stepmom for something and called my mom to complain and she was sympathetic to her and tried to get me to see my stepmom's side.

    Answer by Christina807 at 2:43 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • I do get along with my SS's Mom. We are not friends, but we are civil and polite to each other and try to accomodate each other in the best interest of the child. Things were rocky in the beginning, but we soon ironed those out. We see too much of each other not to get along.

    Answer by Mizzjos at 2:47 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • Hey I am a step mommy and although I do not really care for my step son's mother I will always be civil towards her she is the mother of my husbands son and I absolutly love that little boy to death. He is a huge part of my heart!! She has done some things in the past that has made me lose respect for her but I would never be negative it would only affect my son and my husband if I did

    Answer by Countrymommy03 at 4:39 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • first of all, im not a step mother but I know that it has to be hard putting up with kids you didnt give birth to. My hats off to you. I always thought evil step mothers were only in cinderella, but I deal with my kids step mom she is not nice at all, pure evil I kid you not. She is jealous of my kids and their dad, cusses my kids,talks bad to them about me and always saying she is calling the cops on them. A couple years ago my son was throwing a fit so she had my ex to take him to the cop shop to talk to a cop and had him take my two daughters to juvie hall detention center. She is greedy and very controlling. I tell them they can shave their legs and she tells them no. I know it is his fault too but if he doesnt do what she says its hell for him. I have tried to get along with her but it is impossible. She has even threatened them in my own home in front of me. Its a living nightmare.

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 8:50 PM on Mar. 27, 2009

  • I'm not a step-mom yet. But I get along beautifully with my SO's 2 grown daughters. I am very fond of them and spend a lot of time with them (one of them is phone time as she lives in another state). I feel like I'm an affectionate aunt in their lives.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 12:23 AM on Mar. 28, 2009

  • I can't speak for others, but in my situation I found CM while looking for somewhere to get support for dealing with a HELLISH BM. I would not be surprised if other step Moms were looking for support & if that is the case, it may explain why so many seem anti-BM; it might just be a common thread among SM's seeking support, just a thought. I definitely don't judge BM's off the bat but, having seen so much in my life & among my friends & all the stories I hear on CM, I do feel I am a lot more open and aware of how both SM's & BM's can run the gamut as to how they raise thier children. i.e., I had no idea how common it is for Dads to have full custody, or how many SMs disengage from thier skids. Also, I have done everything in my power to foster a healthy relationship with my SS's BM, but I no longer extend myself; her actions in the past have not earned her any future consideration from me.

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 12:29 AM on Apr. 7, 2009

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