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i dont know where to post this but i need advice

ok- im 24 yrs old and i have never met my real father- about 3 weeks ago he found me and we've been talking online but haven't actually been able to meet face to face yet (which i cant wait for) now- let me tell u- i have a step father who has been in my life since i was only a few months old- (in fact hes the one who told my father not to come around) and hes never been a good father figure either- among many things hes done he kicked me out when i was 16 yrs old and then i came back then he kicked me out at 17 (thats a whole other story in itself though so lets not go there) but anyways- now that ive been talking to my real father me step father has been going around calling all of my family members giving them some sob story about how he feels like hes losing his first born blah blah blah and its causing so much tension that i feel like i cant even go to my parents house to visit and bring my kids to visit- continued below

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:16 PM on Mar. 28, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (6)
  • now mind u- i feel all that happened with my real father is in the past and all that matters now is letting him get to know my kids and vice versa and also ive found out that i have a little brother! (after having 3 little sisters all my life i always wanted a brother!) so im excited and i cant wait to catch up on family things with my kids and their grandpa (i also plan on having them call him that) but my step father is going around telling everyone that hes gonna flip if he hears anything about my real father- and there is no way in hell that im gonna have my kids feel ashamed to talk about their grandfather- now heres my question- how do i get my family to realize that i dont give a crap about wut they feel? ive been wanting to know my father all my life and now that hes here they could either be happy for me or go jump off a bridge because i want this whether they like it or not? any advice? thanks
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:20 PM on Mar. 28, 2009

  • You deserve to know your father. Make your step father feel as tho he's not losing you, by telling him so. Tell him that he's always going to be your dad, but that you need to know your real dad to, to be complete. If step father can't deal with that, i think he's in the wrong, not you. I'm not sure how to tell you to handle that situation other than to have a serious heart to heart with your step dad (from the sound of it, that may not help, but you can always say you tried). Good luck.

    momjoy1027

    Answer by momjoy1027 at 6:25 PM on Mar. 28, 2009

  • You should care about what your family feels, otherwise it makes you as low as them. And you don't sound like that. Everyone has their own individual relationship with someone. You can't take on the feelings another person has in a relationship, you have to form your own. You will have your very own relationship with Dad. Your Mother or Step has their own relationship with him - sounds sad, but THAT is not YOUR relationship. Good for you that you found him, good for your little ones. Now, remember to go in with your eyes wide open...whatever your mothers story is about him - there could be some truth to it. But form your own relationship, and let it go from there.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 6:30 PM on Mar. 28, 2009

  • I agree with 1st post. You need to do this for you. Go talk to your step dad and explain to him that just because you have found your real dad(or bio dad might sound less threatening, or even your other dad if you dont want to hurt his feelings) doesnt change the fact that he was the one that raised you and he needs to accept that. It sounds to me like your step dad may have some regrets as to how he raised you and is afraid you might love the othetr guy more. Let him know that your relationship will stay the same, but that he has to keep any bad opinions he has out of your earsht and that of yuor kids because if he does that it wil leffect your relationship and you dont want that to happen. GL
    AK_aries

    Answer by AK_aries at 6:30 PM on Mar. 28, 2009

  • You have every right to know your father and as an adult, you don't have to give any explanation as to why you are talking to your father. If your stepdad can't handle it, that's too bad. Also, I would want to know why stepdad wanted your biofather out of your life. I really would just tell the family that this is something that you have wanted all your life and it will happen, with or without their blessings.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 6:33 PM on Mar. 28, 2009

  • You should talk to your step father, thank him for all that he has done for you and assure him that he has nothing to do with this. Mind you, your real dad never had anything to do with you and so I don't think you can rightly hold anything against a man who at least cared enough to try, as imperfect as he and we all are in our parenting. If he chooses to make this an issue and causes any trouble then that is his choice and you can deal with that as you see fit. But there is no reason why you can't all be friends.
    lilhoney

    Answer by lilhoney at 9:51 PM on Mar. 28, 2009

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