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How can I help my husband sister in with the death of her baby twins?

My husband's sister in law had gone into labor on Wednesday March 25, 09 and when she got ther she discovered that her baby boy was already dead but the girl was to be delivered. When the girl came out she was tangled with the boy's umbilical cord and she died. She is going through a hard time and I need the best advice to help her get through this tough situation. I am doing my best to keep her mind off that subject. Oh and her husband isn't around he is in the marines in iraq so its gonna be tough for him when he finds out.

 
gabbylimon08

Asked by gabbylimon08 at 9:06 AM on Mar. 30, 2009 in Pregnancy

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Answers (8)
  • Be there for her. Let her talk about it if she wants to. Trying to keep her mind off of it might be sending the wrong signals...that you don't want to talk about it, you don't want to hear about it, or that she shouldn't be as upset as she is...and she needs to be able to openly grieve. It's not helping her that her husband isn't there with her.

    She's going to blame herself. She needs to get it out and be told (over and over and over and over...) that it wasn't her fault, that she is not to blame. She needs to be reassured of this as often as she needs to hear it.

    She needs to be allowed to be angry. She needs to be allowed to scream. She needs to be allowed to bawl, to be angry at the world.

    She needs to know she is still loved and that she has a strong support system.

    Just let her gently know that you are there for her to help her in any way she needs...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on Mar. 30, 2009

  • :( i am so sorry... i have no advice though
    amy31308

    Answer by amy31308 at 9:08 AM on Mar. 30, 2009

  • Oh my. This is so tragic. Perhaps keeping her mind off of it isn't the best idea. She needs to think about it all she can so that she works it out. Her husband being away is an extra problem. I wonder if there is any chance that he could get leave to come home. Let her talk about it and cry and talk some more. Let her immerse herself in her grieving for as long as she needs, which may be prolonged because her husband is away. You don't say if she has other children, if so they will need extra loving. You can help with her housework and errands to try to keep life flowing for her until she feels up to handling it again. Something that will help is to ask her for her advice and directions so that she feels in control. Right now she feels out of control- her babies have died- her husband is away- so do what you can so that she feels that she controls part of her life.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 9:13 AM on Mar. 30, 2009

  • join amy31308 in sympathy for your sisterinlaw. I haven't been in that situation either. Maybe is there someone who can sleep at her home with her so she's not alone? Eating is so important. Can a member of clergy make frequent visits. Over time I've heard about groups for passing of a child of different times is gestation and ages called Resolve and also Compassionate Friends I think is the second one. I'd be with her as much as possible so she knows she's not physically and emotionally alone. A cry with someone or knowing someone is in the house could be soothing. My sistersinlaw each lost a baby in pregnancy more than once. We all lived far away in three different states. But we called several times a day even leaving messages of simply I love you. But it's probably best since her husband's in Iraq if someone could possibly be with her? Her mother, motherinlaw? Maybe try Army Community Service too.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:17 AM on Mar. 30, 2009

  • Be there for her, a shoulder to cry on. Also just go make dinner, clean up, or do laundry. Don't make her ask, she'll feel guilty. Her husband should know by now-Red Cross would have contacted him. He can probably come home, but if his command wants him back, it's only for 2 weeks. Maybe she can join a grief group, but let her do it on her own time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:21 AM on Mar. 30, 2009

  • First of all honey,this is horrible for all of you and my condolences,but let her talk about them,that is what she needs,I had a neice passaway 7 weeks after birth,it is very hard to find the words to say,but just be there for her,listen,offer a shoulder,but most of all let her greive.This is probably gonna be the worst event that she will ever experience,but knowing someone is my her side will make it a little easier,also give her a little time alone too.Don't be afraid to ask her what she needs.Help,her with the house,errands,other kids ,if she has any,She will always be greatful to you ,just for being there.Again I am so sorry for your brother ,and his wifes loss. Good luck,and God Bless you all.
    Val504

    Answer by Val504 at 9:21 AM on Mar. 30, 2009

  • I lost a daughter 26 years ago, she was 3 yrs old. It doesn't matter "how" the loss sometimes as to it just being a "loss'. It is a very, very long pain. The only and best answer is to be there for her, as much as possible. Phone calls are good, emails, talk, talk, talk and then talk. It will be a long time for her to get "over" this. And DO NOT expect her to be "over it" within a few months. The pain will ease within a year - but IT takes a long time to be dealt with. Within one year she will learn how to Hide the pain. But it is still there, just dull. I learned how to finally deal with it by helping others who are going through this. It is raw. The best explanation is that someone just ripped part of your stomach out - a big part and you walk around with a hole.
    Time is the only answer. Do not take her mind off it it!!!! She has to let it out now - this is how she will deal with it. TALK about the babies.
    gr-mom2

    Answer by gr-mom2 at 9:34 AM on Mar. 30, 2009

  • Thank you all for your help and advice that you can give me it has helped me out alot and I know that she needs some one there to comfort her and I will do my best...thank you all once more
    gabbylimon08

    Answer by gabbylimon08 at 12:53 PM on Mar. 30, 2009