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I'm not sure how to handle this?

My husband got laid off work and we ended up having to move in with his parents. well the other day my FIL tells me that my daughter is too clingy. and that our relationship is unhealthy. I totally disagree. She is a typical little girl. (shes almost 3). I also have a 5 month old little girl. My FIL says that when I put her to bed I should not go in and get her if she cries, I should let her cry for an hour and a half before I go back in there. But that is not how I do things. I always hold her and tell her its time for bed, I will rock her and sing to her for about 15 minutes then put her in bed and she goes right to sleep. But my FIL says that what I'm doing with her is unhealthy as well. He says its not Godly because I'm letting her crying control me. I've told him that I am not changing my parenting styles just for him. He got to raise his children now its my turn. My kids aren't hurting anything, they don't

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:21 PM on Mar. 31, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (8)
  • tear up the house...so I'm not understanding why he is acting this way. I also do not spank my oldest daughter and my MIL informed me that she will spank her if she is babysitting her. I use the timeout method and it works or I will take away her tv time. This works great and I've never needed to spank her. I'm just soo mad that they are doing this. (they also have not been around our children very much). I just really need some advice on hoe to handle this. thank you
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Unfortunately, since you are living in their home they are seeing themselves in a parental role with you. It is what it is. They will likely continue to offer their opinions on everything, and you somewhat have to deal with it because you are living there. HOWEVER, I would advice that you have your husband address them with "This is what my wife and I agree on with our children and we expect all other family members to support that decision." I would also be clear that "You most certainly will not lay a hand on my child or my child will not be left in your care." You could even say it jokingly, "Well, I guess we don't need to worry about Grandma babysitting", or "Oh, is that your way of telling me you don't want to babysit?"
    kara_g.

    Answer by kara_g. at 12:29 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Some people take control to an extreme level. Since you're living there, they think they are in charge of how things are done...and to an extent, they are. But what you're doing is your way of parenting and they need to accept that.

    Can you move in with someone else? Is this just temporary or will it be this way for a long time? I would seriously consider sitting down WITH the hubby and the in-laws and telling them why you do thing things you do and let them know they need to be on board or the living situation jsut isn't going to work. I'd be furious if someone else spanked my child.
    ReneeK3

    Answer by ReneeK3 at 12:44 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Oh Lord...reminds me of my MIL who told me that I talked to my baby too much because he doesn't understand what I'm saying...he shouldn't play with himself and look in the mirror...and we hold him too much. UGH..this from a woman who barely raised her own kids. Geesh...6 years later and my son is fine.

    Take his advice in stride...do not listen to him. Go with your heart on this. It would tear me apart to have my baby cry for an hour and a half!! Please. He is way too old school.
    NJMom2Tyler

    Answer by NJMom2Tyler at 12:56 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • WOAH. First off, I would NEVER leave my DD with MIL if she said that. Second, tell them that you appreciate what they're doing for you and your family, but these are still YOUR kids and you will raise them how you see fit. I'd get DH to talk to them too. I'm sorry hon, is there another place you can go?
    Arisce

    Answer by Arisce at 1:30 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Okay, these are just their opinions. Opinions arent going to hurt you or your kids. Just tune them out. Simply say, or better yet, have your husband say...this is the way we parent our kids, thank you for your suggestions and then do what you want. I would never let the opinions of others change the way I parent. Its going to get on your nerves, but they can't make you do what they want you to do. If your MIL thinks that she should spank your dd, then simply DO NOT leave her with them. I believe in spanking wholeheartedly, but even I wouldn't let my parents or inlaws spank my kids. Thats my husbands job. This is going to be hard for you and its going to get frustrating, but it too shall pass. You will be happy to have your own place again, I am sure. Good luck and don't let them get to you!
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 1:49 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • The day I brought my daughter home from the hospital my grandmother told me to start out right and be firm with her, She then informed me that she SPANKED my mother when she was 3 weeks old for not being quiet in church. I said right then that she would never be babysitting my child because I would NOT tolerate anything like that. There is only one reason to swat a child on the butt and that is if they are in immediate danger like running out in the street! And to spank a 3 week old is unconscionable child abuse any way you look at it. I realize that as your in laws you can't be quite as forceful as I was with my own grandmother, but YOU are the mother and YOU have to set the rules for your children. Just because it is their home doesn't mean they suddenly became the parents. Respect them, but stand your ground. Get your husband on board with you.

    pagan_mama

    Answer by pagan_mama at 4:50 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • My best friend and her husband dealt with the same short of thing. There daughter is 4 now. They do not hit her ever and his parents were very against the idea . I myself am not even totally sure about it . i do feel that these are your children and you have made the choice on how to raise them. No one can tell you otherwise. I respect my friends strength . Lay down the law for the FIL. Bedtime crying do your read to her before bed try a reward system that seem to work with my friends daughter well . Like a vacation jar every time she goes to bed without a fit let her place penny or dollar into the vacation jar in the morning or at 1st at night and be so happy really excited. If she doesn't go to bed without a fit. Be sad and say Mickey mouse called and said only little girls who went to bed nicely could be princesses . But you will have to take them at some point . My friends daughter was so cute as a princess.
    thisisthe1stone

    Answer by thisisthe1stone at 4:19 PM on Apr. 1, 2009

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