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Re: should the 10 year old know about her bio dad

He is not a bad person and has wanted to be there since she was 3 but I didn't feel he should be, and he never made any major effort, until he got a lawyer and found out that he had visitation set. Now she had to be told and I feel it will mess her up and we should wait until she ould handle it better. He has 2 other children, and refuses to sign over rights, even thogh we discussed this years ago, he says he changed his mind and i should have had it in order 5 years ago, he wanted me topay for it and i thought he should. now he says he never really wanted to he was just trying to do the right thing, and now nows the right thing is for her to know. with all that shouldn't he have to pay support no matter what... he helped make her

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:53 PM on Mar. 31, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • YOU were the one who didn't let him be involoved when he wanted to. YOU were wrong not letting him be there and you were wrong for not telling her sooner. Now you have to tell her, she has every right to know her bio father that you kept her from. You made the choices and now you have to deal with the consequences. You don't want him to have a relationship with your daughter because he wasn't around but paid support and you raised her, THAT WAS YOUR CHOICE, your daughter and her father weren't given a choice. Sorry no sympathy here.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 7:40 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • I think it is messed up that she didnt know the truth before now. You should never lie to a child about where she came from. And the whole mess that he wanted to be in her life but you thought it waas best that he wasnt and now you are mad that he wants to be...wth? He should have started this fight a long time ago. It is up to you to tell your daughter the truth now. And yes he should have been paying support all this time, but I really dont think you have room to argue about it since you are the one who told him not to be around her. You shouldnt have done that unles he was abusing her or allowing her to be in unsafe situations, and even in the latter case you should have just supervised it. The longer you wait the harder it will be on her and the more trust she is going to lose in you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:57 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Sticky situation. I would be up front honest with your daughter. She is at the age or has been to were she will make up her own ideas in her mind about her father. She will always be curious of who he is and were he might be. If he has not given up rights to her then yes he should be paying child support. Perhaps it's in her best interest to find out who her father is on her own. my father kept me from my mother and I had all of these thoughts. It will be different for her with him already having a family and she is older now. - but if you are saying he IS a good man then why not let her see him. If she does not care for the relationship she has the right to say yes or no on visiting him.
    ljlM

    Answer by ljlM at 5:01 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • ok, my sister was 8 when my mom finally told her she had a different dad b/c her dad finally came around and was wanting to see her. He promised to have her name changed to his and start paying child support, she had my dads last name and he paid child support on her, he was her dad. My mom agreed. So at 8 my sister was told she had another family, another dad. she started going to see him when he wasn't busy, he never paid a dime on her, my dad did til she was 19, he never had her name changed. His family did take her in, better than he did, and she is closer to his family than to him. It was very emotional for her and it was very hard on my dad b/c he knew she wasn't his but he eanted her and and her dad didn't. So I can't say whetet she should have known all along but I think you should tell her. Don't bad mouth him, he just wasn't ready to have a child. If he wants to see her I would suggest getting an attorney
    SMWOODS

    Answer by SMWOODS at 5:17 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • and getting child support ordered. if you want it, you will have to pay for it. If he wants visitation, he needs to get an attorney and have visitation reordered and support reoerdered. It would be better if the two of you can agree on somethin yourself and save on costs. but I wouldn't do it unless all that is in place. my sisters real dad never helped voluntarily and my mom never took him to court b/c she was getting money from my dad for her. so make it legal and do it right
    SMWOODS

    Answer by SMWOODS at 5:21 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Never never never hide the truth from a kiddo, especially about their bio parents! My adopted mom never actually "told" me, she just included it in everyday conversation so it was a fact from the start. I know my bio mom and she has told me her side of the story and we are good friends now (my adopted mom died in 2006). A friend's cousin's parents didn't tell him he was adopted until he was 20. He hasn't spoken to them since (many years now).

    My opinion: Tell her and tell her now! The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Another "just my opinion": It almost sounds as though you're "trying to get even with him" for not paying support and being around earlier by not telling your daughter the truth... I hope that's not the case. I imagine there is a LOT of anger towrad him but please don't push that off onto your daughter.
    crittermomma

    Answer by crittermomma at 5:29 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • He has paid support since she was 3. But just because he pays support doesnt mean he should see her now. I raised her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Oh I wish I had seen this one before I replied to the other one. YOU MADE THE DECISION (AS YOU MENTIONED) THAT THE FATHER SHOULD NOT BE THERE. YOU F-d up lady- not anyone else. SUCK IT UP AND GET OVER IT! Tell your daughter the truth and let them have the relationship they deserve and deserved from the beginning even though YOU didn't think it was right......

    ZaTa

    Answer by ZaTa at 6:31 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • You raised her cause you decided that he didn't need to be involved, you can't hold that against him now. That is very selfish, she is not yours, she is not property and she deserves to know the other person who helped create her. She should have known about him from the begining, but you made the choice not to tell her, seems like there is an awfull lot of "you" that made choices for her without thinking about what SHE had the right to know.

    Now all you can do is support her in her new course.
    luckysevenwow

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 7:03 PM on Mar. 31, 2009

  • Why do you not want the father to be apart of the child's life? Is it because of hang-ups between you and the guy, that have nothing to do with the child? Do you know like the living situation he is in? I'm missing why he was taken out of the picture? I think the more you keep him from her life, is a mistake. A little girl needs to know her dad. UNLESS, he his abusing her in anyway!!!! FIGHT tooth and nail if she will be abused.. really abused.. don't stretch nothing to be something.
    okimonkey

    Answer by okimonkey at 7:43 PM on Mar. 31, 2009