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What should I do about my mother? What can I say to her?

She is overbearing and nosy. Had serious empty nest syndrome when I moved out at 17. I have a 3 1/2 yr old. Have been married for 4 1/2 yrs. Been with my hubby for almost 9 yrs. I am 24 now. She use to call me Aunt to my son. She saw me pregnant with him. When he calls for me, she'll ask him what he wants. I tell her he was talking to me. Why after all this time can't she accept I am an adult? That I have a child? My own life? We weren't home much this weekend. She called everyone asking where I was. I have been standing up to her and telling her what is inappropriate. She use to say this was disrespectful. I am not mean about it. My brother defended his wife and almost gave her a nervous breakdown. Well I had enough and when she said "your asshole husband called" I almost snapped. I took a moment. Asked her why he is one now. She shook her head with no answer. I told her it was rude of her. I need to stand my ground.

 
BubbysMom208

Asked by BubbysMom208 at 11:28 AM on Apr. 1, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (15)
  • She refers to you as Aunt to your son? Does she try to be his "mommy"? I would limit my time with her because those are very serious issuses. My therapist told me that you teach people how to treat you, meaning that if someone is bullying you or is overbearing it is because you allow them to be. You don't have to be rude, but don't give her tatics the time of day. She only keeps doing it because it gets her the results she wants.
    MommyAddie

    Answer by MommyAddie at 11:41 AM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • Does she have abandonment issues? How did/does your dad treat her. Your not the problem It sound like she has deep underlying resentment and controlling issues.

    JenNAY3

    Answer by JenNAY3 at 11:34 AM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • It sounds to me as though you are doing exactly the right things. Good for you! I don't know if it will help in your case, but I stopped trying to deal with not my mom but my mother-in-law who was bad but not quite as bad as you are describing. I stood back in my dealings with her and behaved well but knew it was an act on my part. I approached her as I would a child, since she behaved in a child-like manner- rude mainly- and I kept telling myself that I could just nod politely and ignore what she said in the end. "Consider the source" is the term that could be used. Your mom sounds like a real winner (sarcasm) . Keep up what you are doing.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 11:35 AM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • You answered your own question. You need to stand up to her.
    TiccledBlue

    Answer by TiccledBlue at 11:53 AM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • yup you need to stand up to her, I sure as hell wouldnt' put up with that for one minute
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 11:55 AM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • Wow! What a mother! Mine was worse than that, believe it or not. It may sound harsh, but you don't have to hang around with people who are mean to you just because they are related to you. If your mother cannot accept that you have a husband who loves you and that your son is yours, not hers, maybe you need to stop hanging out with her for a while. When she calls to accuse you of whatever she decides to because you're not communicating with her, tell her that is she wants to have a relationship with you and your husband and child, she needs to cut the apron strings and let you grow up in her mind.
    emoultrie

    Answer by emoultrie at 12:07 PM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • She has post traumatic stress disorder. She was diagnosed with a long list of things when I took her to the hospital for her "breakdown". Put on 5 meds that are too expensive for her. My stepdad has a SERIOUS gambling problem. She stopped going to a therapist just cuz he told her things she didnt want to hear. Degrades my husband. It's hard to take and I refuse to anymore. She has her grandkids call her MawMaw. She acts like he's saying that and knows she heard "Momma, Mom or Mommy". If she didnt call me his aunt i could dismiss that as her hearing. She does things to irritate then says we are disrespectful when we address them. There would not be enough room on this whole website for me to explain her in full. She makes things up. Telling my hubby she "knows" he cheated on me. WTF? I saw the overtime on his pay. She keeps track of EVERYONE. Even what they make and where their money "should" go.
    BubbysMom208

    Answer by BubbysMom208 at 12:07 PM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • Count your blessings. I had a grandmother she'spassed now, that had to be put in a nursing home to keep her under control. I live in a town 120 miles from her and she would call me all hours of the day and night, and if I wasn't home, she would call the police in my town and tell them I was in danger! I would come home from the grocery store or the park or the beauty salon and find the cops at my door telling me I needed to contact her. Once she sent them out to our house at 3 am. Woke us all up. The cops were coming out so often I think my neighbors probably started wondering if I was under suspicion of something. As for what you are going through I would stand up and leave her house the minute she started her crap, and tell her you would be back if and when she could act right. As for calling you "Aunt" to your son, I would probably pitch a hissy fit right there in front of him, (Not good, I know, but I'd be seriously P.O.ed
    pagan_mama

    Answer by pagan_mama at 12:17 PM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • I was just brushing it off for so long. She has ruined my self esteem. Doing this my whole life. I dont feel like an adult because of her. My husband does not take it well. She told my son to call him a prick. He said "MawMaw is a bitch dont listen to her."right in front of her. You know what she told him? "you dont disrespect your mom, just your dad". WTF?! Since when? Then i got to thinking. Yeah she did do that to my dad with my brother and I. It's all going overboard. I am barely holding back. I shouldn't have to and can't anymore.
    BubbysMom208

    Answer by BubbysMom208 at 12:29 PM on Apr. 1, 2009

  • I know how you feel. Perhaps she does have abandonment issues due to something bad that happened to her during childhood. HOWEVER, this does not make you her therapist. This also does not mean that how she treats YOU is OK. Whenever anyone says to me "well, I was treated this way" or "this happened to me as a child" (in response to being confronted over their behavior or hurtfulness) I always respond "BREAK THE CYCLE!" What happened to them was wrong and it's JUST as wrong for them to pass it along to the ones that they love.

    What I have had to do with a loved one? Giving them hints and confronting them verbally did no good. DH and I eventually had to write them a letter. We explained how much we loved them, explained what they were doing and how it hurt us. We asked them to get help (therapy/counseling) and offered to be a support. Lastly, we said we would NOT come over any more if there were not changes.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:36 PM on Apr. 1, 2009

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