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daughters boyfriend

He is fifteen, has everyone convinced his home life is horrible, stays in trouble with his parents and at school. He has never given me or my daughter any trouble other than a couple of lies but he has an anger problem. shes convinced he wouldnt hurt her, im not so sure she should go with him, she isnt allowed to car date yet.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:53 AM on Apr. 2, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (9)
  • What is the question? If you are asking if you should try to stop the relationship I'd give you a great big "NO." Right now he's got that "troubled" appeal. If you try to forbid your daughter from seeing him, or even casually trying to mention that she can do better, you'll only add to his "misunderstood" aura. Even if you've got his number down, she'll never believe that you know better than she does. If he hasn't hurt her all you can do is bide your time until the relationship ends. With Teenagers they don't usually last that long anyway. She's going to have to kiss some toads!

    In the mean time stick to the rules you already have in place like the no car dating thing. That's great because it's a good rule and it is not based specifically on this guy so he can't try to make it into his personal persecution.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 7:02 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Yeah. What she said.
    FlyMom07

    Answer by FlyMom07 at 7:36 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I have been discussing this with other mom's who's daughters are 'in love' with bad boys. Just what makes them so interesting??? Do they really like hearing stories about their bad grades, cutting school, getting in trouble at home? Ugh!

    If it is a 'moral' issue, you just have to tolerate it and do you best not to push your daughter to dig herself in a hole, and of course, that assumes she abides by your rules and values.

    If there is a risk she would be physically hurt or get involved in sthg illegal, that's another story... but your in for a big battle locking her down if you want to really stop her from seeing him. Only you know what the 'physical' risk is with him - and maybe you can try to set limits for both of them on that - be supportive, but give specific limits such as not allowing them to be alone together, or just at your house if that is possible for you.
    PhillyinFrance

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 7:40 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I would encourage this boy to spend lots of time with your family. Welcome him like a son. I say this for several reasons: bad boys are attractive because parents hate them; if he does have a bad home life then it will be really good for him to be with a healthy family; if he really is a jerk, then you daughter will witness him being jerky to family members and will have a better perspective.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 8:10 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Not a good match and is not likely to get any better. I would not let my daughter see such a guy. Probably the best approach with her would be to talk to her about how this personality type is the type who turns into an abuser. If you know someone who has lived with an abuser, take her to talk to that lady and let her hear first-hand what that kind of life is like. There is a certain type of girl who thinks of herself as a fixer, a healer of all. They believe that love can cure anything. If your daughter has any of those tendencies, then it's an even worse match. You must protect her insofar as you are able. When she gets a little older and is free to make her own decisions, your opportunity will be gone. As for now, teach her what to look for in a man and in a husband. And teach her the types to stay far away from. Dating is for husband selection. She's not ready for that yet.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:48 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Ummm...good question.....We all know that girls like the boys that the parents don't. I guess it's a rebellion thing. Don't say anything negative to her about him unless you see him being cruel or abusive toward her. She'll probably defend him, but at least let her know that you're there for her to talk to. If she feels she can trust you, maybe she won't be as likely to go after him. The bad boy image is WAY overrated...
    lighthousemom3

    Answer by lighthousemom3 at 11:40 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • how old is the daughter? 15 or younger? personally i think 16 or 17 is more of an appropriate dating age. and what is the definition of dating here?

    society (& media) encourages our kids to grow up too fast and too many parents stand by and allow it. society doesnt tell me what is acceptable in my marriage or child rearing.

    if you question this "relationship" or the mentality of the boy in regards to your daughter's safety - remember you are the parent. if you dont think its safe then tell her she cant see him any more. sometimes we have to make judgement calls that arent easy and dont make us feel good - but we need to remember that our number 1 priority is the safety and well being of the child.
    klkstpeter

    Answer by klkstpeter at 2:00 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • ok....this is a tough situation but mom you have to do what you feel is right.Do you think that she is in LOVE{puppy love}? I think that you should have a chat with his parents and get a good sense of who he is... In the end you are wanting to do right by your daughter and that includes keeping her safe.I also have a 15 year old daughter and she has been dating this guy for over a year i havent heard much bad things about him but i do keep a check so that my baby is safe...Good Luck
    Patricia777201

    Answer by Patricia777201 at 10:05 AM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • I have a 16 year old step daughter that thinks that she is going to marry her current boyfriend. I think that we have to allow our children to grow up but there is nothing wrong with letting her know that you are concerned about her welfare and that she should be comfortable telling you if she ever gets into a situation. It is all about trust. Do you trust her to make the right decision? We love our kids and want to protect them always but they have to stand tall and we have to let them and at that age you are needed as support not as a ruler. Keep an eye on the situation. Keep firm in your boundaries and rules. Let her know that you love her and support her and she will make the right choice. If you try to control everything and not let her see him it will bring out the I am an adult attitude of your child and it will make it harder for you later on if she does need you because she won't trust u to not be overbearing.
    gwendy154

    Answer by gwendy154 at 3:07 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

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