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What do you think about this ultimatum?

Hubby said it's over unless I get help for my personal issues. Part of me is thinking here's my out; part of me is REALLY angry that he can't love me for who I am regardless of my shortcomings; part of me knows I need help and now I don't want to get it since he TOLD me to. I am so confused and hurt. What happened to loving someone as they are?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:00 AM on Apr. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • Sometimes people are just unlovable. You sound like a very selfish person who has some serious issues and needs to help for YOU and the sake of your children. Your obviously too much for your husband to handle at times.. If you don't want to be with him then leave. Its as simple as that. But do get help.

    Answer by amy31308 at 9:03 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Loving someone as they are applies to things like they smoke and you don't like it, or they snore, or they aren't into going out and partying. You don't say what your issues are (and I'm not asking you to tell us), but I have to figure that if he is willing to end the relationship if you don't get help for them, they must be pretty big issues. Big issues can make it impossible to be with someone. Has he actually said he doesn't love you? If not, you're assuming alot to say he doesn't love you. You can love someone but not want to be with them, and it sounds like that's where he's at. If you don't want to get the help, then don't, but don't be surprised when he follows thru and leaves. If you want him, then get help. I don't think he'd tell you you need help unless you really do need it.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:07 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I once gave my husband a similar ultimatum and did leave for 6 months. He was depressed after his mother passed away and refused to get help mean time I was unable to grieve the loss of my MIL and DS was miserable we were all going down because of DH's refusal to get help for his depression. You said you realize you do need help and it sounds like your DH thinks this is the way to push you to get it. I know I was just wanting the best for my DH and knew the only way for us to survive was if he got the help he needed. I think you should talk to someone, get an outside perspective from a professional.


    Answer by goaliemom93 at 9:09 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • In some cases an ultimatem is for the other person to wake up an realize that the situation is above everything else the worst part of the relationship, love isnt everything when it has a problem that can interfer in your life, so the best thing to do is get the help or change whatever it is that he is agaist. try to do it for youself you will be the one getting the most benifit for getting over whatever is bad!

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:44 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • It really depends on what those issues are. If you're a controlling person, a cheating person, anger issues, abusive (of any kind) then yes, whether it's because he TOLD you to or not, you need to get some help for you and your kids, not just because of him.
    For the first response.... ignore her, you're not unlovable and we don't know if you're selfish or not. There's not a person out here in the world that hasn't wanted out of there marriage for a second, and it's normal to wonder if it'd be better to walk away... that's always one of the choices, but it doesnt' have to be yours.
    Anyway, seek the help for YOU, for your kids, and for your marriage if it's something that could benefit your family life, and your future, your happiness. You deserve to be as happy as possible and you ARE loveable.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 9:59 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I hate to go all Dr. Phil on you, but what is more important to you right now? Being right or being happy? If you want an out, you have it, but I'd be pretty sure that is what you absolutely want. Telling him that you won't change because he should love you just as you are is a silly argument, IMO. If I were him, my argument back would be, if you gave a rats butt about me, our relationship, and our family (I assume there are children involved!) you would do this. You say you are confused and hurt, but I can only imagine what he is dealing with. Sounds to me like its time for you to step up.

    Answer by gramsmom at 10:01 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Well it sounds like you have 2 choices, you can choose to let him end the marriage, or you can seek counseling and try to make your marriage work. What do you honestly feel like doing? If you do indeed have 'issues' then it would be in your best interest to seek counseling and work on them. Maybe your husband does indeed love you, but can't put up with your 'shortcomings' any more. Maybe he feels they are important and that your lives would be so much better if you dealt with them-- instead of letting them go on. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

    Answer by MizLee at 10:04 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • didnt say what your issues were. But there's a difference in loving someone despite of their shortcomings and knowing when your love isnt enough. It sounds like "love" isnt enough in this situation. You can love a person with all your heart but there are certain issues that are deal breakers. Its sounds to me that he wants this to work, he's giving you an opportunity to make it work. If you are just looking for an out, then leave, but if you love your husband and WANT this to work, swallow your pride and get some help.

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 10:25 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Since this is anon, I will say I have trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling) and have recently developed urinary incontinence, sometimes at night. I am extremely humiliated and have sought treatment for the trich, but as with most obsessive compulsive disorders, it is difficult to treat. I cannot picture myself going to the doctor and saying that as a 35 year old woman I am wetting the bed. I just don't see how threatening to leave me rather than being supportive is how hubby thinks this will be resolved...if it even can. I have suffered from low self esteem all my life and this is about as rock bottom as I've felt. Maybe someday I can become myself and others.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:31 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • We have been having marital issues for a while and he isn't perfect either.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

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