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obsessing over an ex lover

Okay, let me first start off by saying I am totally in love with my husband and would never in a million years cheat on him. But, with that being said I can't stop thinking about an ex lover. He was my bff's uncle, and about 20 years older than me, so we kept the relationship a secret. He was single and so was I, so there was no cheating involved. I had a crush on him since I was about 14 years old, and after I went away to college we finally hooked up. It was amazing...everything I had been dreaming of for 5 years. We had the most amazing chemistry and the sex was unbelievable. We never persued an actual relationship because of the age difference, and once i started dating my dh, we ended everything and never saw eachother again. The problem is, now, even 10 years later I can't stop thinking about him! I still have erotic dreams about him all the time and can't get him off my mind. How do I get him out of my head?

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:42 AM on Apr. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Maybe there is something missing with your sex life. We can love someone with all of our heart but sometimes, the sex isn't always that amazing. If the sex was so amazing with this guy, maybe it has nothing to do with him, it's all about the great sex. Try to remember what made it so great and try it with your husband. It probably has nothing to do with the man himself.

    Answer by DDry at 10:46 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • As long as all that thinking you got going on your head isn't affecting your marriage than I say you are good to go. Whatever goes on inside our head is safe and nobody's business. You said you have no intentions of cheating and going back to this man, so in my book you're safe. Honestly no one can tell you how to get him out your head you are the one who is going to have to block him out. Sounds like a problem I had a couple of years back.

    Answer by diamondmamma at 10:46 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • yeah, there is no way I would ever go back to him. As I said I am totally in love with my husband. I just feel like in a way I am cheating on my husband, at least in my mind. I have great sex with my husband too, but with this guy it was just different. Maybe it was the fact that I had such a big crush on him for so long and I finally got to be with him that made it so amazing. I can't explain it but I can't stop thinking about it. I woke up from another amazing erotic dream about him this morning. I am really obsessed with him and I don't know why! As I said, we never had a real relationship, just mindblowing sex! We hooked up several times over about a year long period and it was over 10 years ago, so I can't figure out why I can't get him out of my head. Maybe it was because we never really had closure. About a week or two after our last hookup I started dating my husband, and we never spoke again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • The secrecy thing is a turn on for alot of women, sounds like your whole sexual relationship with this guy was like that, that's a hard dream to let go of!! Maybe try some new things with your dh, spice things up and try not to get caught in some wierd places type things, put some focus back on your dh. But I agree with the other posts too. THere are just dreams, you havent seen him in forever, and I don't think it is anything to worry about, although frusterating to you, but not harmful to your marriage.

    Answer by AK_aries at 11:00 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Call him and see how he is doing. Maybe just talking to him will ease you anxiety about him

    Answer by Yellowrose9 at 11:02 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • When you start thinking of him, tell yourself STOP and start thinking of your hb or anything else. Be careful, the last thing i would do is call or talk to him. You have to push him away.

    Answer by gammie at 11:09 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Maybe if you seen him again, your obsession would go away, You said he is a lot older than you so I'm sure things have changed drastically with him. Then you can get on with your own marriage..Good luck

    Answer by zbee at 11:36 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • You might be bored and that is why your fantasies and imagination are getting ahold of you. Just remember that being with him will NOT work out in the long run and will ruin your marriage. As gammie said, force yourself to not think about him. Or if you do, replace that thought with the logical conclusion - that it is just a fantasy not meant to be anything else but. If you due truly love your husband, let those thoughts diffuse themselves and not give them any power. Unfinished love is just a fantasy and a dream and should remain just that.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 11:42 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Yeah, there is no way in hell these thoughts would lead to anything else. As I said, I have not had any contact with him in over 10 years. I have moved away from my hometown and now live over 700 miles away from him. I don't even talk to his niece anymore, who was once my bff, so I really have no way to get in touch with him even if I wanted to. Part of me would like to see him...just to get some sort of closure. I feel like I need to let him know how much he meant to me, because I never told him. I always acted like it was just sex, but part of me did truly love him. Actually, I don't know if it was love or just an obsession. Part of me wants to know how he really felt about me, because again, we never really talked about that sort of stuff. I do truly love my husband, and I would never do anything to jeapordize our marriage. I just cannot stop obsessing over this other man!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:56 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I think if you do contact him that you'll be even worse off than you are now. I think you should let "sleeping dogs lie". I have a similar situation with my oldest son's dad, the sex was incredible!!! I love my dh, but sex has become pretty routine. I don't cheat on dh and don't talk to ds, dad, but man I remember all the hot times we had together! LOL I think that the chemistry between would still be an issue and I'm not falling into that with him again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:19 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

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