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Need suggestions on dd's controlling, manipulative "friend"..

My 11dd is shy, quiet and kind, but it is difficult for her to be confrontational. There is a girl at her school (5th grade) that is overbearing and possessive, she:
Doesn't respect phys boundaries..puts her arm around dd, holds dd's hand.
Pouts or says hurtful things if dd doesn't do what she wants or talks with or sits with other friends.
Looks at dd's schoolwork and will try to change dd's answers if she thinks they are not right and will literally erase what dd wrote. Tries to give unwanted instruction in the classes they share, even music and PE
Earlier in the year I brought this to the teacher's attention and she moved their desks apart...I have another conference with her tomorrow. DD tells her that she doesnt like when she does those things, but nothing has changed. I know the kid really likes dd and was excited to be in the same homeroom this year. I don't want to hurt her feelings either, what do we do?

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Asked by andj606 at 11:54 AM on Apr. 2, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (7)
  • At the conference I would bring it up to the teacher again and tell her nothing has changed. Maybe she can recommend a meeting with this girl's parents so they can discuss how behavior is inappropriate and is bothering your DD? I would say her parent's def. need to be made aware of the situation and maybe they can talk to her. If nothing else changes maybe you need to just request that they be put in seperate classes. I had a problem with a student in elementary school that was always getting me in trouble so my mom requested that we do not have any classes together anymore. That took care of it! Good luck

    Answer by Ash9724 at 11:58 AM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • This a good educational experience for your dd. There will always be kids/people like that somewhere along the line. Can you talk to your daughter about being a little more assertive and tell the girl how she feels. It need not be hurtful, only honest. This probably sounds easier said than done but I always tried to use such people as a learning tool for my kids to learn to stand up for themselves. If your dd wants to be her friend then she needs to figure how to deal with her , this may be beneficial to the girl as well. if your dd does not want to be her friend and the girl is so distacting in school, then it is up to the teacher to intervene and possibly change classes.

    Answer by writeon at 2:01 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • This is a life lesson the dd has to learn and truth be told, mom cannot fight all the battles for dd but equip her well enough to know how to deal with it...I've been there so I'm speaking from experience...I too have a dd that's less assertive than my other children...I have to let her grow and experience different things but in it all, I'm directing and shaping her to deal with girls like you've described...good luck...

    Answer by treasured_hope at 5:58 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Good advice so far, thanks ladies....I guess I am concerned that if she does not successfully assert herself and is not able to fix this problem on her own she will internalize things and it will affect her confidence and self esteem. She is a lot like me and I have problems asserting myself - so how can I direct her if I don't know how myself????

    Answer by andj606 at 6:21 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I have a motto, you talk nicely once and if they obey and listen then things are gravy, but if I have to keep asking other children to quit bothering my child, or hear them ask, (if my child isn't the cause) then I go to the parents, and they need know whats going on so they can fix the problem, if that ruins the friendship, then she is probably better off, and WILL find new friends. MY daughter goes through the same thing.. for your daughters sake, you should stand up for her and show her how to take action when needed, even if it makes you uncomfortable. You have to push yourself once you start doing that then you and her will feel better.

    Answer by momma_4_kids at 7:58 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Bring it up again. If need be talk to the "friend" about harrassment. Make sure your child is NOT in the same class next school year. Stand up for her and do what you need to protect her.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:40 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • When my DD was 8 she had a friend like that. The girl is 2 years younger but in 2 grades ahead of her time. Anyway, whenever she was bossy, pushy or threatened my DD with not being her friend anymore if she didn't do what the girl wanted I told my DD to to say "fine, then we're not friends anymore" and walk away. The main difference is that my DD is not shy or quiet it was easy for her to say that.

    Does your daughter have other friends? If she does, I would have her tell this friend that they can no longer be friends because she is being disrespectful of her space, her work, etc... If you daughter doesn't have other friends, it may be more difficult for her to do this.

    Answer by marbear98 at 5:00 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

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