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A failing marriage..

My husband and I have been married only a year and a half but a lot has happened in that time. We have had violent fights and it seems like every time we even squabble now the claws come out; literally. We were both not faithful pre marriage but have been since being married. I dont respect him anymore because he is very immature, can not even support himself let alone me and our unborn child. which hes admitted to ("i love being married to you im just not mature enough for it right now") and with the baby coming she is my only concern at this point. weve tried counseling and got no where. should we call it quits while we're ahead and still able to atleast be friends and be good parents together? this really sucks with a baby in the picture now.

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USMC_Elisa

Asked by USMC_Elisa at 1:03 PM on Apr. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • Try singles counselling. Get another counesllor focus on what you respectfully rightfully deserve for your baby and focus on that. He needs to see that you respect yourself even when he doesn't . It won't change him considering what he's done but your baby will be safer and your own self esteem will be better and stronger.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:06 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • did you not know this about him before you married him?

    "for better or worse...richer or poorer...."

    that being said... he does admit he loves being married to you- whether or not he is 'ready for it right now'- he has already made the commitment to it & needs to man-up to his commitment & responisbilities.

    Have a Marriage Conselor just talk to you until he ready for counseling, too.

    It doesn't seem fair, but often one person has to make changes and sacrifices before the other person gets to that point and it's usually the wife (or the mature one) that has to take a lot of steps in order to get the spouse to realize they need to change.

    something I learned in a relationship book that I always try to remember. it has really helped is
    " rarely in these situations is any 1 person 100% at fault. & even if we are only 5% at fault- we need to own up to that mere 5% and apologize/make amends for the 5%"

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:23 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I dont know that I would call it quits just yet. He's got to grow up eventually. Now seems like just as good of a time as any. It also sounds like he's trying to use that as an excuse to get out of being an adult. If you and him dont respect each other, thats something that can be worked on. Now if he cheats now that yall are married or if you do, i would say thats a different story. But the ultimate decision is up to you. Just think about it for a while so you can make sure its the best decision for everyone involved, including your unborn child. good luck
    amanda350

    Answer by amanda350 at 1:32 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • In situations similar to your own, the best approach seems to be 'be the change you seek.'

    You admit your behavior may not be the best. Spend the balance of your pregnancy developing yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions.
    What about me allowed me to be unfaithful prior to marriage?
    Why does my anger cause me to lose control sometimes?
    Who do I want to be as a person...a wife...a mother?
    What do I want my life to look like in the next year? What needs to change about me for that to become reality?
    What other relationships in my life need work? What kind of work? What must I DO to change things?
    What can I contribute to the world that is meaningful and redeeming?
    How do I become the best person I can be?

    There are other questions. Ask them. As you set plans of action to help your changes, you will change your environment. That may inspire change in your husband!
    Angebor

    Answer by Angebor at 1:33 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • i totally agree with what the book says and thats why i said im no angel either. and no while we were dating i lived in florida and he in NC (hes a marine stationed there) so when he came to see me once a month we were just so focused on seeing each other and cuddling, so on so forth.. that being said i totally believe in the statement now that you dont know someone until you live with them.. i just feel that the line has been crossed with the hitting and pushing.. he pushed me to the ground when i was pregnant.. whether i was 8 weeks or 38 weeks he still knew i was pregnant with his child and that could cause a lot of harm. i dont want my daughter in an abusive home its not fair to her. i feel thats the biggest deal breaker??
    USMC_Elisa

    Answer by USMC_Elisa at 1:36 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I agree with Angebor. However, if your husband doesn't start taking the same steps, you have the right to walk away. It's the choice theory. Work on what you need to do and set a boundary between you and your husband. If he doesn't start showing he is willing to grow up with you by such and such time tell him he obviously needs more time and you support that but you have to cut him loose to do it so you can keep moving forward.
    IzzeAddy

    Answer by IzzeAddy at 1:59 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

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