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Marriage Question

My son is now 13 months old. All of the baby blues have come and gone as well as a touch of PPD (nothing serious at all). My husband seems to have had no trouble adjusting, in fact, he hasn't really had to. He still continues to do the same old things he used to. He plays music out and practices a couple days a week, works on cars, socializes, etc. His work takes up a lot of his time as he works for family and never has set hours. I never really know when he's coming home. Anyway, I feel like I have been the one doing all of the adjusting. I sit in night after night taking care of the baby and trying to keep a routine, working 3 days a week, finding assorted family members to watch our son when I have to work, taking care of ALL the house work, paying the bills, running the errands, etc. & so on. I am a 21 year old mother and wife and this is all now catching up with me. How can I get my husband to understand how I feel.

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DAjZeZnLE

Asked by DAjZeZnLE at 2:35 PM on Apr. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (42 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Talk to him, be honest and tell him how you feel. Ask for help, my hubby and I went through a similar phase and he told me he never realized I needed help because I just did it all and never asked him to chip in. You might be amazed if you just ask. Good Luck
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • I think you should sit down, write out ALL the responsibilites of running household. Paying bills, errands, chores, diapering, making food, putting to bed...ALL of it. Tell him you feel like you are doing too much and are very overwhelmed. That he gets to do all that you mentioned while your life revolves around things you HAVE to get done...no fun at all. Ask him what can he do to help you so that you feel like your marriage is equal. Also mention that women are alot more likely to be open for sex when they haven't ran around all day doing stuff. And if your sex life hasn't taken a hit yet, it will. ;-) Good luck mama!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:39 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Oh and I agree with first post...they don't realize it half the time. They are like kids, you just gotta ask and dont think he can read your mind or "just know" because they don't!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:40 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • You can tell him, but you can't make him hear and you can't make him understand. He is living the life of a single man with all the benefits of being married, and he likes things just the way they are. He has no need to change. But you can change you. Instead of sitting home at night, waiting for him to decide to come home, make a life for yourself. Invite a friend over for dinner or go to visit some of your relatives for the evening. If his clothes don't get washed, don't worry about it. Let him wear them dirty if he needs to. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. One person is not supposed to have to bear all the responsibility. As long as you are willing to continue to take care of everything, that's what you will have to do. I would not nag him about what he's doing. But I would not allow myself to be a puppet either. Life is too short for there not to be some fun. Be honorable but have some fun!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:03 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • You can talk to him until your blue in the face but until he's ready to take on the responsilbility of being a husband and father then all your talking is in vain...There are some men in their 20's that are not ready to take on the type of responsiblilty you described in your post because they are still young and trying to figure themselves out...he hasn't come to the conclusion of who he is, therefore, how can he be there for you? Because you had a baby, he's suppose to change into a responsible man? Because the two of you decided to get married, he has to now be responsible?..it should work the way you want it to but unfortunately, until he's ready to take on his responsiblities, this is what you have to deal with...unfortunate but it's reality!
    treasured_hope

    Answer by treasured_hope at 4:51 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • He isnt a mindreader... talk to him!
    Ginanne

    Answer by Ginanne at 8:45 PM on Apr. 2, 2009

  • Thank you all for some great ideas. I will definitely try a few I haven't tried before. The thing is... we have sat down and talked about what is bothering me, that I need help, that he needs to give up some selfish things he's doing for a little while. This hasn't happened after several attempts to explain this to him. He's still playing his music (which I don't want to "take away" from him), he still takes his sweet time to get home, the dishes still pile up, the cleaning and house work is still up to me, and the list could go on. Just as I think he understands and things are getting better, the whole circle starts again. How do I get that to stop?
    DAjZeZnLE

    Answer by DAjZeZnLE at 9:50 AM on Apr. 3, 2009

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