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My fiance don't agree on discipline, and it's coming between us, A LOT. Our son is only going to be three in May.

We have FAR views from eachother. I use to be more like him, but I found out that other things work better, for me. He refuses to see things my way, and he thinks I don't see things his way, when he KNOWS I use to discipline the same way. Now our son is starting to tell me he doesn't like daddy. If I'm busy and he wants to cuddle, I'll ask him to go lay with daddy, and he'll refuse. I know this make my fiance mad. I also think he takes his anger out on our son. Not physically, but if he's mad about something else, he'll look for things to yell at our son for. I love him dearly, and we have another baby on the way. I'm honestly considering adoption because I don't want another child to not like him, or worse, not like me. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him, but maybe I'm not saying the right thing? I can't keep from crying about it everyday. It's killing me inside. HELP PLEASE!!!! Ask anything, I'll respond ASAP

 
mommykayti

Asked by mommykayti at 4:26 PM on Apr. 3, 2009 in Relationships

Level 2 (10 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • That age is classic for wanting or preferring one parent over the other. That could be a part of it. But communication is really the key. First, even if you don't agree with his discipline, you shouldn't say anything in front of your son. This shows him he can play you off of dad. But, if you feel the need to say something in the moment, you need to keep your voice calm and low and simply make a short sentence regarding the situation. "Honey, I think your yelling is scaring ___. " and then offer to take over or suggest that he takes a "break" and that he can come back in a minute to finish the discipline. When he takes a moment, he may realize that he isn't quite as angry about the situation as he was before. If he can start this pattern, he may be able to start being more calm on his own. Its something that you as a family need to work at together. Good luck!
    ozarkgirl3

    Answer by ozarkgirl3 at 8:47 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • OOPS, my fiancee and I*****
    mommykayti

    Answer by mommykayti at 4:26 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • Thats a tough one. You 2 will just have to find some way to compromise. And it sounds like your son needs some daddy time. Have your fiancee take him out for a day of non stop fun, just the 2 of them to re-connect that bond.
    If you 2 can't compromise on the discipline thing then maybe you should be the one who does it all? IDK that one was hard to anwser.
    Familytyme

    Answer by Familytyme at 4:30 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • He wont let me do it all, he thinks then I have more power, and what more of a way to kill a man's ego, the woman having all the power, right? Ha. Thanks for the answer though. And the whole day of fun thing, he works so much, and he works evenings/nights till almost 1 sometimes 2 AM. It's just so hard for him to get up to play with him. Usually the whole argument happens at least one in the morning and again before he goes to work. All that happens is we get in a huge fight, he basically just ignores me till he has to leave, and I make a huge scene by yelling and crying. It kills me that my three year old has to see/hear it. There's really no way around it. I can't just let it go. I REALLY NEED SOME HELP PLEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!
    mommykayti

    Answer by mommykayti at 4:44 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • My husband and I went to a parenting class together, and it was very helpful. It gave us common ground for discussing discipline issues. Having new ideas presented by a teacher seems like less of a personal attack than when your spouse or SO does it. If you are interested in trying a class, you might check with local schools or churches; they often offer parenting classes for free. I'm not sure how you entice him to go, but it's definitely worth a try. Good luck.
    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 4:46 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • I also wanted to add that probably nothing will provide an immediate fix to your problem, but sometimes making a plan and starting it can at least make you feel like you are doing something positive.
    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 4:52 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • Thanks =] ANY ONE ELSE??!?!?!?!?!! PLEASE I'LL TAKE ANYTHING!!!!!!!!
    mommykayti

    Answer by mommykayti at 4:59 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • These are one of those things you should have worked out before you had children. My husband and I were engaged for 5 years and in that time we made our plan for having children and how we were going to raise them. We had to each compromise. When we had our children we were on the same page. You two need to sit down and talk about this and agree to a parenting plan. You need to make sure you do not undermine him and support him. You need to talk to him about things you disagree with him on behind closed doors not in front of your child. Look at your own behavior do you speak negatively about your fiance in front of your child? That can impact and cause a child to pull away from one parent.

    You two should sit down and discuss it. If you cannot I would not marry him. I would make sure I did not make another baby with him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:15 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • didnt you guys ever talk about what you would do in certain situations, how you were gonna disipline cuz if not thats where you fucked up
    Breezy1988

    Answer by Breezy1988 at 5:23 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

  • No, I know where I fucked up. I had a baby at seventeen and still in high school, and took responsibility for him. I didn't just give him away because I made a mistake. I didn't kill him and feel like shit the rest of my life, like I knew I would. We broke up and got back together later, and recently we have been having problems. And thanks anon, but I don't have as much as I'd like to have. No I don't talk about him negatively at all, unless I am not in the house, and not around my son. Like out with friends, or going shopping alone, or something to that effect. He didn't "not like daddy" till recently, they use to have an amazing relationship, even though the discipline was the same. I don't know what to do about it now. And I was on the pill, and he has always worn a condom. It just so happened that the pill and condom didn't work. Now I'm stuck and looking for help, not bashers. Thanks though.
    mommykayti

    Answer by mommykayti at 5:43 PM on Apr. 3, 2009

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