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Have you ever been given this ultimatum?

Either Family or Your SO without your Family.

My ex gave me this option tonight...makes me so mad that I think that it will actually be easier to get over him.

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Asked by ProudMom_5703 at 12:52 AM on Apr. 4, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (-7 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Yes, I have been given that ultimatum actually, and it ended in a severely abusive relationship. If anyone is telling you to decide between your SO and your family, there are some serious issues that need to be addressed somewhere.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:57 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Wow, no I've never been given that ultimatum and if I did, my response would be so degrading to him he'd either beat the crap out of me (which it seems your ex is the abusive type) or he'd never speak to me again.. wow.. he needs professional help!

    Answer by alinker at 1:14 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • nope. if he did that his butt would be out the door before he could say 'shamwow'

    Answer by jcsmummy at 2:20 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Not exactly. Most of the time, that sort of thing is a lead in or part of an abusive relationship. But my dh did tell me something similar once, and he wasn't being abusive. My relationship with my mom can best be described as very complicated. At this point in our lives, the best I can describe it as is she was jealous of me (she had been in a lot of abusive relationships, had lived a very hard life up to that point, as had I. But I broke that cycle, and married a good man that loves me and treats me well), and she resented that I had good things in my life. When I tried to share them with my family, she got mad, because she was the parent, she didn't need my help, but when I didn't help her, she got mad because I had these things and was being selfish. (ex - we were home on leave, I wanted to go to the zoo with her, my dh, our kids, and my siblings.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:24 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • cont
    She got made because "the zoo is expensive, what, did I think she was made of money? I told her that we were so glad to be home visiting them, that we wanted to take them, our treat. She started yelling that she didn't need my charity. So, we dropped it and didn't go, when she got mad again, because if we wanted to go to the f-ing zoo, then go, she didn't care what we did.)

    After a little over a week of this, finally ending in a huge argument where Mom basically acted like every bad thing in her life was because of me and my next oldest sister to me, because "she had to take care of us, so she didn't get to have a life - I was 24 yrs old, she only had 24 yrs left". That ended with us leaving her house and going to stay with one of my sisters (the only other adult of my siblings).


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:32 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • After that, my dh said that if we ever had another visit like that, then we would leave, and we would never go back. That if I insisted on going, it would be without him, and without our kids, because he loves me and he refuses to stand by and watch anyone hurt me, including my family.

    That was a LONG time ago though, and my relationship with my mom, while still complicated, is still a lot better than it was, and we have been back to visit a few times since.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:35 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Did he actually say either it's ME or THEM? My S.O. and I constantly fantisize about leaving into thin air without my family knowing where I went. But that's because my family is honestly more of a hinderence (I think that is the right term) to ME than anything else. They hate him (We've been together for over 4 years now) because of my stupid mouth---and they take eveything and hold it against him now, and then try to use it against him.
    Like I said though, we together fantasize about breaking ties w/ my family.
    If he's being mean and not listening to your side of the story, then maybe you should watch out, buy yourself some time and find out what is really going on?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:58 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Yes. I chose my family. A man is easily replacable. He actually did me a favor. I've been happily married for 19 years. I couldn't imagine my life now if I had chosen him.

    Answer by Chrissy629 at 6:38 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • My DH told me that it was either him or my mother in the delivery room and i later realized why. He knew that my mother being in there would really increase my stress levels and he didn't want that for me.

    Answer by aeneva at 8:31 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • In all honesty baby it depends on your own particular situation. As the other young lady said, if your family is a hinderance to your "marriage" that is a choice that needs to be made. You can hold on to them (which is now extended family if SO means husband) or you can cleave to your husband. This doesn't apply to boyfriends or partners. They are temporary. But if you have a good "husband" that has proven his love and willingness to be by your side and your family is making it difficult for your "marriage" to flow, some distance would be waranted. If you can't put distance between you and your family for the sake of your marriage and they respect that, there might be some control issues on that end. Boundaries are important. However if this is just a jerk trying to get you away from your family (you know your situation) follow your heart on that one babe.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:13 PM on Apr. 4, 2009

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