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I am SO irritated at my sil! Am I overreacting or am I being reasonable?

Background: A few months ago, my teenage dd got into some trouble for hanging out with people that she knew did not share our values. They talked her into doing something that she got caught doing. It was quite serious in my mind, but her dad and I dealt with it and I feel its brought us closer. At that time, her cell phone was taken, her myspace page deleted and a few other things. Just recently, my husband, myself, and 2 of our kids created a facebook page, to not only keep up with old friends, but we felt it was a lot better than myspace. Also I can see what my kids are saying and doing too. So 2 nights ago, my phone rings at 10 pm. Anyone who knows me, knows that I go to bed at about 8-9. This was my sil, whom I hardly ever talk to, calling me to tell me that my teen daughter wrote something inappopriate on her facebook page. I looked at it and it said "I f-----ed that biology test in the a--! yay for me! My sil was...cont

 
momofsaee

Asked by momofsaee at 9:10 AM on Apr. 4, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 4 (56 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • I think you are not over reacting, but you do need to act - or this is going to drive you crazy. I'd suggest talking to her to tell her that she blew that way out of proportion - she didn't need to call you (you kid wasnt in imminent danger) so late, nor call the whole world.

    On the other hand, it can be a lesson for your kids - some of what they post may shock some people, so they should think twice.. I would ask you SIL to let you raise your kids they way you want, and she can raise her kids her way. How would she feel if you belittled homeschooling or focused perhaps on the negatives of her kids?

    Remember through that your kids grades and attitudes will override any status she puts on FB. People will quickly forget the SIL drama when they see your daughters continued achievements!

    And if people say or insinuate anything, I'd clarified that she got carried way cause she did such a great job!
    PhillyinFrance

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 9:33 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • apparently shocked by this. I told her that I would talk with her. I hung up and went to bed. As I was thinking about this, I came to the conclusion that yes, this was extremely inappropriate and does not reflect the values of our home. BUT, I dont think it was shock worthy and after she called me to let me know this, that should have been the end of it. I told her that I would handle it. The next morning her husband send my husband an email explaining what my teen daughter had done. THEN I found out that she called my parents and told them. Now mind you she had already told me and I said I would handle it, but she either didn't like my answer or just thought my parents needed to know. So they confronted US about it. I flipped out. I handled this situation by explaining to my daughter that we don't talk that way and that other people can see our pages and that it makes her look ingnorant when she uses langauge like that. cont
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:14 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • I told her to delete it and she did. Had my sil not said anything, when I got up the next morning I would have seen it anyway, since I am on my daughters friend list too. My sil proceeds to tell me that she is deleting my daughter from her friend list. I said okay whatever. I think that if my sil was so disturbed by this, then her call to me should have been enough and she should have trusted me to handle it. But NO, instead she gets her husband to email us and then she tells my parents who also confront us. Now I feel like everyone thinks my child is some horrible kid. Shes a great kid! Shes an advanced placement honor student, polite, well mannered, friendly, but shes a teen and sometimes she does things that she sees the other teens at school doing. I know its a phase for her and I know that she will mature and grow out of it. I am not going to overreact about her saying the f word. cont...
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:18 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • My sil has younger kids who are all homeschooled, so personally I think they are just isolated and they dont have teens. I will add that this is the THIRD time since my daughter has become a teenager that they have called me to tattle on my child. The reason that I am so peeved about them calling my parents is because they don't even get along with them. They don't want my parents in THEIR business and they don't want to come to family functions, but yet they put that aside to call and tattle on my child?? If I had done this to her, she would never speak to me again. I am debating on whether or not I should confront my sil and tell her that what she did was wrong and that I can handle my own child and to stay out of it. I don't feel that this was out of concern for my daughter because if it was, she would have kept her business private. Am I overreacting?
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:22 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Sounds like too many people are trying to raise the child. Is this your husbands family? He needs to make an announcement to them all that HE is the parent, and if he needs advisement from them, he will ask.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 9:22 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • it could be they are worried about her since she did get into big trouble like you say. Dropping the F bomb is a big deal especially in the manner she did. My mom still smacks me if I say it in front of her and I am 24. Is it so horrible that you have more eyes watching her so she doesn't get into major trouble again?
    ZaTa

    Answer by ZaTa at 9:25 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Well ZaTa, normally I would agree with you, but this is my stepbrother and his wife who do not have a very close relationship with us. They arent' involved in our everyday life and they make no effort to reach out to us. If I genuinely felt that this was out of concern for my child, then I would be appreciative but STILL one phone call to ME would have been enough. I dont think it was okay for her to go tell everyone in my family. Thats the part thats not right. They don't even LIKE my parents.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:30 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Sorry to me it kinda sounds like you aer deferring your anger to you worried SIL...when it should be at your daughter. I think maybe they are just worried and think you under-reacted.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:34 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Seriously I am willing to accept if I am wrong. I am not trying to make myself out to be innocent here. But my god, I am 33 yrs old and I have an almost 15 yr old daughter with 3 other kids. I am not a new parent. I have been doing this for some time and we have gotten through some big issues with my teen. We have really worked to stay in open communication with her and learn what is a BIG issue and what issues are not so big but worthy of our attention and which ones arent worth talking about. If I react to every little thing my child does, I would be on her case all the time and I have tried that....it doesnt work and it makes for a very miserable existance and relationship for her and I.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:35 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • Thank you philly. Thats exactly what I told my daughter. I am not angry with her. I think she used poor judgment for SURE, but she wasnt insulting anyone. She got carried away for sure because she did SO well on her biology exam. Thats advanced placement biology too. So its even more of a reason to be happy. I told my daughter just what you said...that some things shock other people. SHe didnt even give me a chance to see it and handle it on my own. She just thought...hey I will be the first to call and tattle on her. I would have seen it the next morning when I got up, so it wasnt hidden from me at all. She does not talk that way at home because she knows that its inappropriate and that I wouldnt approve. But what she does at school and what other people say at school, I cannot control. I think maybe my response to her wasnt what she wanted.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:41 AM on Apr. 4, 2009

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