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We believe that parents can love more than one child, do you believe that children can love more than one set of parents?

This keeps coming up - this debate about how our children view us/love us. The only person that can explain the love an adoptee has for their birth or adoptive family is........the adoptee themselves!

We can speculate all day long how our children feel but do we really know? I can attest to how I felt as as adoptee growing up in my parents home, but that does not translate into how my daughter (relinquished) feels growing up in her adoptive home. What she shows me in her love and affection for her birth family is probably not seen as clearly by her adoptive parents, and I'm sure her love and affection for her adoptive family is not seen as clearly by myself! Does it really matter???

Why can't we enjoy what we have with our children and free them from constantly being put in the middle of a "love tug of war"?

Answer Question

Asked by PortAngeles1969 at 2:45 PM on Apr. 4, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (24)
  • I know for a fact that they can. I know without a doubt that my adoptee son loves me and I know without a doubt that he loves his adoptive mother. Since I hand picked her to be his adoptive mother I am overjoyed by the love that's in his adoptive family.

    I suppose I could see people who are involved in Foster Adoption not feeling that way. But, I wonder how if it was an infant adoption and you love your child, how could you not want him to have a loving relationship with his birth or adoptive mother/family. It would be like not wanting your children to love their father if you were divorced.


    Answer by onethentwins at 2:51 PM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • "It would be like not wanting your children to love their father if you were divorced."

    Exactly, and we know how harmful this is to children of divorced parents. To see the parents they love taking pot shots against the other parent and hoping to elevate themselves in their children's eyes and to minimize the affection the child has for the other parent is EXTREMELY harmful.

    Why are people reluctant to see that the new family structure adoption creates can put the children "in the middle" in a similar fashion - especially with open adoption these days? Children pick up on who they believe they are by watching their parents interact with each other. This is true whether or not the parents are in the same house (in cases of divorce) or when there are more than one set of parents (as in adoption). It is true even if the children don't have access to one side of the parents.

    It makes the adoptee in me cringe at times

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 3:04 PM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • All people including children have an endless capacity for love! There is no limit on how many people we can love or how much we con love one person. Thats what makes us so special!!! Children especially because they love so freely without predjudice.


    Answer by Familytyme at 3:13 PM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • yes, of course they can. Mine do, and they are not confused as some would say children would get with both sets of parents in their lives.

    Answer by animalcarespc at 4:17 PM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • My adopted daughter is 19 and married now. She has spoken about meeting her birthmom and I just recently register her on that reunion show on the Womans Channel. I know that she is my biggest fan and we are really close, but I think it would be wonderful for her to meet her other family. She has genetics with those people, including a sister who is ten years older. How wonderful it would be to make contact with her half sister and probably a whole new circle of family. And I have prayed, all her life, that I would never be threatened by that. I've had it all, first words, first steps, first broken heart, fevers, graduation and wedding. I know her and I know that she has a bond with me that no one will ever break. She has plenty of love to share with all of us. If anything, her birthmother should be jealous of me, because she's missed my daughter's whole life. But again, I've had 19 years to think and pray about this.

    Answer by torismom14 at 11:09 PM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • I agree with you completely, and I hope that my kids will continue to have good, loving relationships with their birthfamilies. DS has very little contact at this point (not our choice), but DD's birthfamily will allow him to "share" them. He can claim grandmas and grandpas, and DD's brother (son of her birthmother) claims our DS as his little brother.

    I will admit that I was very apprehensive ten years ago when the concept of open adoption was first presented to me. I am so glad that is what we have now. With DD's birthfamily we have a much greater than average amount of contact, and we consider them our extended family as well.

    I think that even if someone had a situation where face to face contact or home addresses were not a good idea, communication can still be kept open by mail or e-mail.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:13 PM on Apr. 4, 2009

  • I KNOW he can. And he's never even met his bm that he remembers. Children learn what they live. Teach them to respect and they will. Not just who "you" might think needs respect but everyone, in more ways than not.

    Answer by aajsluckymommy at 9:55 AM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • Thank you guys for answering - my hope is renewed and I don't feel so alone in my beliefs. Sometimes seeing people work through their fears, concerns and aprehensions in this section (and in the groups) gets me feeling like we are going backwards and not fowards in adoption.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 2:12 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • Yes I believe they can love more than one set of parents. I did and I'm not an adoptee - LOL!

    What I mean is my stepmother was in my life for 25 years and although it was a little rocky through the teen years (isn't it for most families?) I grew to love her very much. When she died she had been my stepmom for 3/4 of my life and I was crushed. I still miss her very much...

    Loving her took nothing away from the love I have for my mother. Maybe that's why it was easier for me to understand that I don't lose anything by Joshua loving his birthmom, you know? If anything, I think I ultimately gain in many ways and I know he certainly does!

    Good question my friend!

    blowing kisses


    Answer by blessed3times at 10:17 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Like blessed3times, I'm not an adoptee either (but the bmom of an adoptee) and yet I too believe a child can love more than one set of parents in their life.
    I believe this because I have two fathers in my life, my dad and my stepdad(which I call him here just to separate the two. In all ways, he is just my "dad.") I don't love either of my dads any more or any less than the other. They are, plain and simply, my dads. That simple. And I am the stereotypical "daddy's girl" with both of them and I know I am so lucky to have two great fathers in my life who I love and cherish.
    BUT . . . (yeah, you had to know it was coming) . . . one of the main reasons why I am able to show and cherish my love for both my dads is because never in my life did anybody try to convince me that one dad was more than another or that I was good or bad for loving one or the other of my dads . . . cont . . .

    Answer by casjoh at 8:45 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

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