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opoinoins please,about ending up like abusive parents

does anyone eles fear ending up like thier parents you know makeing the same mistakes, my mother called use girls sluts,whores,fat and wenches and everything eles under the sun when she spanked us she would laugh in our faces as we were crying, or she would get our dad to spank us with his leather belt and make up stuff to get him mad enough he would leave welts to the point we were not allowed to go to school for a week and she would call them and say we were sick at age 15 i was dignosed with anerexia and was afraid to eat anything after the doctor had my parents both leave an i told him about my child hood me and my sister were taken away. i just some how think im going to end up like my mother. my husband is against spanking hitting and name calling thank god but part of me just worrys ive gone to classes and i want to stop the cycle i just dont want to lose it and do to my kids what my mother did to us.please help

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:14 AM on Apr. 5, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • i think the fact that you are worried about it means you probably wont. all of us have something about our parents that we don't want to end up doing. and i figure if we work hard enough at it we won't. my parents weren't abusive yet there are still times i would love to just slap a smirk off my daughters face (please dont jump on me i dont know any mom who doesnt honestly feel the same way at some point in time) but i have to take a step outside or into another room so i dont do it. so just step back when you need to, give yourself a mommy time out, my daughter knows when i take a mommy time out im really fed up and she needs to leave me alone or shes gonna end up in a kid time out forever, or with out the tv on for a few days. so take a mommy out, if your a smoker go sit outside (where you cant hear them yelling at you that defeats the purpose) and have a cig break, or go outside and call a friend to vent for a min.
    vabchmommy

    Answer by vabchmommy at 2:18 AM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • I too get scared that i'll end up like my mom. I was not abused the way you were. But my mom yelled a lot! and i mean a lot. And I (and only me for various reasons) was kind of neglected. I'm not worried i'll neglect my children. ...but sometimes i find myself yelling. and my mom did used to spank us. I dont spank my son as often as my mom spanked us, ...but i had to learn about my limits with spanking. ...the danger of usig spanking as a punishment is when a parent spanks for no other reason then out of anger.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:18 AM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • I think that most of us end up becoming our mothers to some degree. They are our primary role model and we cannot escape that. Just remember that TO SOME DEGREE is the key.
    PROGENITOR

    Answer by PROGENITOR at 2:53 AM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • i would go to counseling
    jocemiah

    Answer by jocemiah at 3:01 AM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • The fact that you are concerned is a huge step. My parents were both physically abused. We weren't. My mother in law and my husband were both sexually molested by her father. However, my MIL and my husband never touched their children in a manner that was in any way inappropriate. It is definitely possible to break the cycle. You just have to be willing to fight against any instincts that are borne of anger. I recommend you always take 5 minutes after your children have done something that requires discipline so that you can make sure your head is in right place and you are acting out of necessity and not emotion. Send the kids to their room while you calm down and assess the situation. And when you think that may not work, go into your bedroom and throw the pillows around. I know it sounds silly, but that is what my mother did. And she recommended the same thing to me. She got out her anger without hurting anyone. Good luck!
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 3:34 AM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • Been there, living it.

    You know what is WRONG, so just keep in your mind constantly what NOT to do. Make the conscious effort to change.

    My dad was also abused. He never laid a hand on us because he was afraid he would hurt us severely. It was mom who ripped into us....physically and verbally.

    I have already started telling my boys that I am too angry and need them to leave me alone...then walk to another room to calm down. "Time out" is our primary discipline and I have growled at the boys to get in the corner and not spoken to them until I have calmed down because my initial reaction was to swing at them.

    You can break the cycle. Use what you know is wrong and make it right.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:58 AM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • I like you was physically & emoitionally abused as a child and had the same worries when I became pregnant with my first child. This was 30 years ago, but same situation. Anyway I was SO scared that I would abuse my child that while I was pregnant attended some meetings called "parents anonymous". It helped to talk about these feelings. But after his birth there where times when I felt that I would loose it, especally when he'd start crying and wouldn't stop. I was lucky, I had a friend next door and she knew these things about me and NO matter what time it was she'd come over and help. After I had all 3 of my children and single and would feel like I would loose it I'd make kids go to their room and start meditating to calm down. As they got older and these feelings came I'd tell to just go outside or to room, that I needed time to calm down. They survived me and have grown into woderful husbands and wife and great parents.
    GmaPam7257

    Answer by GmaPam7257 at 12:12 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • A lot of it is about CONTROLLING you anger....If the child is an infant or small child make sure you have somebody near by to help you, support systems are really the key. It takes YOU to end the cyecle of abuse and depending on how much you put into it you'll do it...Good luck & God bless
    GmaPam7257

    Answer by GmaPam7257 at 12:14 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • Well for me the fact that you are worried about it is a good healthy sign. If you would ever feel yourself starting to slip then seek professional help. I would wait to borrow trouble or worry however. Just because your mom was that way does not mean you will be. Stay strong!
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 3:17 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • i think everyone is afraid of becomeing there mother(if they was bad). my mom was a drug addict and was never there for us. she left me and my real brother in a house for 2 weeks by our self with no elec., water, food. while she left and went to ga. with her boyfriend, my oldest half brother and his family. my older sister had come to visit us and found us. when my dad found out he came back to take care of us. i was 14 and my brother 15. i told myself i would never do that to my kids.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:53 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

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