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Help, I don`t know what to do about my out of control pre-teen

I have joint custody. My daughter is completely out of control. I `ve taking everything away from her. This past Friday she wanted to go skating with a friend. One that I know and like. After droping the girls off. Not 20 mins. go by and the girls mother called me saying that my daughter is no where to be found. That she is going to pick up her daughter. I ALSO head to the skating ring. The girl`s mother and daughter where extremly upset. My daughter used her, just to go. I CAN`T count how many good friends she has lost. Any way the mother told me that she does not what my daughter around her daughter any more. I can`t blam her, real nice family. I don`t know how to get her away from this chic, she`s in at school. I want to take Easter away from her. Please help me . By the way she`s 12 years old

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Asked by yasmin97 at 2:31 PM on Apr. 5, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (8)
  • Some things are unclear in your question. When you say you've taken everything away from her, do you mean as a coreection ie. grounding? If she was grounded why did she go to the skating rink to skate with a friend? I pulled this prank on my parents a few times, and really it was because I was overprotected and put in a bubble as a child. I NEEDED some interaction and I found a way(wrong though it was) to get it. (I got caught and never did it again) However three could be a whole host of reasons why she is acting like this. While she needs to know it is ABSOBLUTELY not going to be tolerated, she also needs you to help find the root of the problem. Set some clear boundaries with her, and hold them tight.. keep them well defined. However if she finds something that she feels is unfair or just doesn't work, she should be encouraged to come talk to you about it. Best of luck.

    Answer by mumof4kids at 3:04 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • I was like this at that age. Sounds like there is a boy involved. The only reason she would do this to a friend is if she wanted to meet a boy and go and do sex things with him. I know it sounds horrible, but that's what I did. I lost my virginity at 13 and I used my friends too. The best thing my mother could have done for me (because my dad wasn't in the picture hardly) was to be a little more open to me having friends over...late, a little freedom at home. Not put her two sense in about all of my friends. I just wanted to feel like I had some freedom and my mom was so over-bearing that I totally rebelled. She is probably thinking about sex so I would definately have the talk with her and keep on talking about it. Get her on the pill. This is just a phase. She is looking for attention and doesn't know it. She is getting attention from boys and that is making her feel good. She needs to feel special. can dad help?

    Answer by KaceesMom at 3:10 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • The previous answer sounds like good advice... sounds like a boy is involved. That is always tough to manage, but what I think has more lasting affects is she won't have friends thanks to this kind of behaviour, and that is hard. It's one think if she's boy crazy.. its really a shame if she is dumping her friends to do so!

    Yes, I'd be very severe but maybe focus on the fact she dumped a good friend, betrayed your trust, etc.and be careful as to how you react if/when you find out what is causing her to stray. You might have to accept it to some degree that she may be 'in love' or whatever... but certainly focus on her having to be honest, and to respect the privileges you give her and her friends. I'd focus alot on making her go to the friends to apoligize.

    Of course, you first have to find out where she went, and what she did... and factor that in - hard to say til you know more.

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 5:04 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • I wouldn't adviced taking away Family Togetherness Events (like Easter and family picnics, etc). this is a time where she needs MORE Family Togetherness.
    I would take away non-family/non-church events. like skating parties and going to the mall or theater, etc- for a while. but replace those things with family events.

    If it were my child, I think I'd have them earn money to buy a apology gift for her friend she betrayed.

    But, then again, I just have boys so don't really have experience dealing with girls.

    Answer by Kiter at 6:03 PM on Apr. 5, 2009

  • You need to come down hard on her,your her mom if anyone gonna get through to her its you.She might just be acting out because she's going from your house to her dads all the time,sit her down and talk to her and find out if anythings bothering her.

    Answer by MommaandStepMom at 8:00 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Take everything in her room out of her room until she earns it back through good behavior. This sounds extreme, but believe me, it's not. A big mistake parents often make is that they are too scared of having their kid hate them to stand up and be the parent. Your job as mom is to protect your daughter and by monioting her, this is what you are doing.

    Make sure that you spend time with your daughter (even if she doesn't want to) encouraging her and supporting her and telling her how special she is and how your don't want her screwing up her life....

    I was a problem child and wound up a runaway and pregnant at 17. I wish my parents would have cared enough about me to enforce some rules, be more involved in my life, and tell me I was special and unique.......

    Don't let up on her. 12 is not an adult, no matter how 'mature' they think they are. She may say she hates you now, but one day she'll look back and thank you.

    Answer by ggad at 8:54 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I agree, I think there's a boy involved.The only reason for ditching a friend or not being happy with going out when you've already been punished is because there's something bigger.. more tantalizing that she's interested in. That can only mean a boy. I used that trick several times, it was because my dad wasn't in the picture and my mom was a mess, although she cared, she was an alcoholic and I was a very angry child.Counseling might help you, but you can NOT stop parenting her. You have to be vigilant. Whether you let up and allow boys and friends etc is up to you, but I can tell you that if you give up it will be worse. I also wouldn't take Easter away, although I probably wouldn't go the distance. She'll end up resentful if you do and will turn it around."Mom doesn't love me so I don't even get an Easter, she doesn't value our family etc." I know it sounds stupid but she's a teen, she will take it personally.


    Answer by s.teph at 9:03 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • take her to steve wilkos show or maury lol

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:11 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

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