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How would you handle this situation with your 14 year old daughter?...We allowed her to date..

(supervised visits mostly at our house) a boy in her grade starting in 8th grade. They did so for almost a year. During that time, they became more touchy feely (kiss now and then, always hugging) and he became more moody and often made her sad. We said no more dating until maybe 16 (need time and space), and she's giving us grief saying they love each other and they can work things out. She just told us it's legal to live on her own at 16! We feel it's just talk, but is his idea. He seems to have no life/fun w/out her and complains of his boredom, even wrote that they should get married later. We really don't approve of him and he's allowed to do pretty much whatever he wants at home, like play video games and surf the net. She is in the band, takes martial arts, writes and has nice girlfriends. We are much more strict, and are trying to limit contact outside of school. She is not rebellious by nature, but stubborn. Advice?

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dflygirl7

Asked by dflygirl7 at 8:40 AM on Apr. 6, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 12 (751 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • If you let her see him in your home again, you can supervise and she will feel like she had a win. Might take a bit of the stubborn edge away. Treat him like you like him. Most likely she will get bored with him and break up with him anyway. These things don't usually last when they are this young. A stubborn girl needs to feel that it is her decision...otherwise she could run off and marry him to prove her independence.
    FlyMom07

    Answer by FlyMom07 at 8:59 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Forbidding him makes him that much more appealing. I pulled the same "I can move out at 16 and you cant do anything about it" shit with my parents, I would just say yeah and you can get your very own job and power bill and rent and phone and cable bills too! Don't totally give in to the dating, but let him come around again, hopefully she will see that he is not all that, the decision to end it has to be hers though or she will just sneak around to see him.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 9:28 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I agree, supervised visits would probably be your best bet. Maybe sit down with her and tell her something along the lines of "I know you care about him, and I know you would like to see him, so how about we make a deal." She can see him IF, she maintains good grades in school (a lot of times, you can get weekly updates from teachers if you ask), has good behavior, does her chores... whatever you want her to do....

    Crystal1124

    Answer by Crystal1124 at 9:44 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • You could try supervised visits. Or you could simply say, no, if you really love him, love can wait. I also like what goaliemom93 said.
    KARRIEMARIE

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 10:03 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • My mother always says that the more you show dislike in a childs SO the more the child gravitates towards that SO. I know that it ust be hard for you to see her growing up and I am sure that it makes you uncomfortable to see them touchy feely, however I would say that they had your house to be at and hang out in and now I worry that she may be behind your back with him. I would say to allow the relationship back in your house bc atleast you are watching and seeing the relationship. It won't be to long before your dd realizes that she is better off without him.
    Mommy3b1g

    Answer by Mommy3b1g at 11:36 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • In my opinion, one-on-one dating is a courting ritual reserved for those who are ready for marriage. Anything other than group-dating is out of the question. I grew up in a house where dating was okay at a young age, but now I wish it hadn't. With my own experience and knowing how horrified I would have been if my parents would have said "no" to dating, I still will do my best to encourage no dating with my daughters. I want them to concentrate on their school work and save dating for when they are mature enough to make good choices and not let their emotions lead their choices. I know this is a tough challenge I set, but if it protects my daughters from any of the messy situations I ran into, then that's what I need to do - even if that makes me the most hated mom on the block, my child's safety and innocence is too important to risk for the sake of my own feelings.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:52 AM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I'm sorry, but 14 is too young to be seeing anyone. If they really love each other, they will still feel the same when they are 18. Since you all ready opened this box, I guess I would let her see him at our house, as long as they are supervised, but I think you made a mistake in letting it start so young!
    4kidsandadog

    Answer by 4kidsandadog at 12:42 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I don't think that she can move out at 16 unless she is legally emancipated by the courts or if you allow her to. Otherwise I believe that she would be considered a runaway if you didn't allow her to move out and even if you did the courts could probably get you for abandonment or something else along those lines.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:21 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • My daughter is 14 and there is no way she'd be allowed to be dating ....and kissing and hugging...no way in this world. That's just too young. Kids need to be kids for as long as possible, run around with their friends and have fun instead of getting serious at such young ages, then having their hearts broken. The way to prevent a broken heart at 14, is to not allow dating at such a young age. My daughter isn't even intested in boys yet because she said she sees what the other girls are going through. I am very proud of her for having such a good head on her shoulders. The girls are with this boy, then that one, everyone's taking turns and being talked about....it's just ridiculous nonsense.
    But since you allowed it already, you are probably going to have to let them see each other, because if not, they will be sneaking around together.
    summerdayz

    Answer by summerdayz at 1:27 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I agree with goaliemom - especially once you have allowed it, it's hard to change the rules in the middle. And the more of an issue you make, the more attractive he seems, the more in love. The more time they spend together the more faults she may see. But you might also try to balance that with ensuring she does other activites and sees other friends.

    14 is young, but I have a no-yet-13 year old who was seeing a 15 year old behind our backs. She eventually told us (unlike the rest of the world that saw them!) so we are trying to tolerate it, but I hope to set fresh rules if/when it ends. We stress that she is entirely responsible for her actions, and that we expect certain behaviour regardless of who she is with, but I felt it was best not to punish her for telling, and the relationship was already established. Other parents will tell you if you stop her she will likely rebel, cause hell - so weigh the risks.
    PhillyinFrance

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 1:34 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

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