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shouldnt i have a say, especially when my kids are involved?

I am in a relationship with a guy who has 2 kids. I also have two kids. The problem im having is adjusting to his kids. I don't know where I stand as far as authority. We live together and he gets his kids only on the weekend. His oldest is 11. My problem with him is he has a nasty mouth. He calls the other kids jerk, faggot, etc, and he makes fun of them. He also refuses to listen and he lies alot. My boyfriends youngest has a wicked attitude. He is very snotty, whiney, and he hits alot. Naturally i am protective over my kids. I know mine are not little angels either. With any parent they are going to think my kids are better than yours. Im not saying they are. There is history behind the problems I have with his kids. My first marriage was really bad. My ex was verbally and physically abusive. I dont want my kids to be subject to that EVER again. I have told my boyfriend about all this and he seems not to care.


Asked by Essica at 2:45 PM on Apr. 6, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (8)
  • If the boyfriend does not respect you over something as blatant as this, then he will never respect you ... use you, yes, but treat you as an equal? no. And you DEFINITELY owe it to your kids that they see you treated as someone important and not as someone to be dismissed and ignored.

    And every time your children are mistreated (ESPECIALLY in their own home where they need to feel the MOST safe), and you fail to swiftly and permanently stop the mistreatment, they are learning, by experience, that they are contemptible - even their own mother is okay with it, so it must be true.

    This is a bad deal, an AWFUL deal any way you look at it.

    And also, as soon as ANY child enters your home, you DO have authority over them. And ANY time a child or adult has ANY interaction with your children, you have complete authority over how they behave with your children. Period. It's your job as their mother ! Don't doubt yourself !

    Answer by waldorfmom at 3:08 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Yes. Of course you get a say here.

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:49 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • You need to end the relationship then. You have no authority and if your boyfriend won't do anything, there is nothing you can do. It's not going to get better. End the relationship before it gets worse or the relationship gets deeper.

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 2:50 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • You only have say over his kids if he gives it to you. He isn't giving it to you.

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 2:50 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Good luck on these one...alot of stepmoms will tell you that your SO has to discipline his own kids. I agree to that, to a point. There has to be rules in your home for everyone to abide. If you and your SO disagree on how to raise the children, you are just heading for a fall. Discipline, if you are not on the same page will lead to fights with you and your SO. Noone should be treated different, nor should there be any disrespect to you or anyone in the home. His son's behavior needs to be addressed ASAP. Talked to your SO, try to work out a plan that you both agree on and that will work in your home.

    Answer by Dannee at 2:53 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I watch his kids all the time. I do not try to discipline them at all. The most ill do is put the youngest in the corner for hitting and the oldest i will take away video games. I know That there isnt much I can do. I feel that since we are living together everyone should have to live by the same rules. Yes that are also suitable for their age.

    Answer by Essica at 3:01 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • i say you leave. if he is acting the same way your ex did towards his kids than eventually he will probably start to treat your children that way as well.

    Answer by vabchmommy at 3:08 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I agree with waldorfmom. Your duty is to protect your children. Get out now.

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 3:11 PM on Apr. 6, 2009