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Am I wrong to feel disrespected?

Ok, my husband has decided to look up an ex girlfriend online. They were together over a decade ago. He said that he is just curious as to where life has taken her. He has made it quite clear that he is not interested in her anymore and that he is just curious. Which I do trust him because I know that he is far from the cheating type. He said that he wants to drop her an e-mail sometime to say hi. I can understand being curious and I fine with him looking her up but I told him that I am not ok with him contacting her and that it makes me feel disrespected. He got mad at me and we fought until I caved and gave him his way because I just don't think that it is worth fighting over. Should I feel disrespected? Also, I am over reacting? He has given me no reason what so ever not to trust him.

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:17 PM on Apr. 6, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • I don't think it was wrong of him to want to say hi. I do think it was wrong of him to not respect your feelings on it. At least he told you what he was doing though. I don't think you should worry about it at all. I would calmly tell him that you understand his curiousty and that's okay but you feel hurt and disrespected that he wouldn't consider your feelings. I have talked to ex-boyfriends on the internet and my husband is okay with it. He has done the same with his exs as well. But we talked about it before the whole thing and neither of us had a problem with it. They were just the "hi, how are you" emails and they stopped soon after they started. It's normal to be curious about what they are up to, especially after that much time.

    Answer by DDry at 3:21 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I'd be pretty upset too. Tell him to put himself in your shoes. What if you wanted to contact an old boyfriend. I don't think he'd feel the same. He may not be the cheating type, but to me this would be unacceptable.


    Answer by momjoy1027 at 3:26 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I think your past should be your past. There is no need for him to be in contact, not even to say hi.


    Answer by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • No, you should not feel disrespected. Contacting someone that you spent time with in the past should not feel disrespectful. She is someone he shared time & energy with & weather you like it or not, she helped him be the person he is today. I would let him email her. Maybe ask him if you can read the email before he sends it. Do you feel threatened by her in any way? He is married to you, there is a reason they did not work out, I would not worry about the email one bit. I still have 2 ex boyfriends that i still talk to occasionally. When you share life with someone, it's nice to hear from them from time to time. See how their world is going. Let it go, it is not disrespectful. Have you NEVER wanted to contact an ex just to see how they are doing?


    Answer by samurai_chica at 3:28 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I would make it clear that he hurt your trust and your feelings.. I myself would have been very hurt... I feel like I say this a lot on here but it's a matter of respect... He married you, not anyone else so your feelings should always come first.. And honestly he shouldn't even be thinking about an "ex"... He should be over her, unless of course he's still in love with her... If so then I would be very concerned... Sorry

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:29 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Your feelings are your feelings...and they are never wrong..
    I would feel disrespected if he did it after you told him that you do not want him to do it.
    I can see wanting to know how she or anyone whom he had a relationship with..
    is doing..
    but to do it against your wishes would not fall well at all with me.

    Answer by Dannee at 3:30 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • If they were together over a decade ago, & then out of the blue he wants to look her up, & he just wants to say hi, & then when you voice how you feel about it, he starts an arguement, probably to make you doubt yourself. Sounds to me like any 1 of the following is going on. 1) He's been thinking about her for a hot minute, & just decided to tell you to see what reaction you'd give, 2) he just wanted to start an argument, or 3) his curiosity simply got the better of him. Either way, if I were you, I'd stay on point & on my toes. Good luck on this.......situation.

    Answer by Barb87 at 3:47 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I understand you letting him have his way, I probably would have done the same. Tell him that you want to see the emails before he sends them AND that you want her email address as well. Theres no reason you can't meet her. If he has a hissy about that then its time for a nice long chat with him.

    Answer by pnwmom at 3:56 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • It's funny how the "he's not the type to cheat" guys always end up cheating.. ANYONE is capable of ANYTHING at any time! Ex's are "ex" for a reason.. time to let it go. If he can't understand that then I don't know what.. maybe give him a taste of his own medicine.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:34 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I can see both sides. I can see how you would be bothered by him wanting to do this, but I can also see his curiousity about how an ex is doing. I get curious every now and then. I don't think you're wrong for your feelings, but you should give him credit for coming to you FIRST and telling you what he wanted to do, instead of just doing it and telling you later. However, I also see where he should have respected the fact that you said you weren't comfortable with it, and not argued or badgered you until he got his way. I don't think you're overreacting, exactly. Reacting differently than I would, possibly, but not overreacting.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 4:51 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

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