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My sister is getting remarried and DOESN'T want her future husband to know about her past marriages!!

When she called to tell me they are getting married she also asked that I never, ever mention to her fiance that she has been married before! She had two failed marriages in the past. Her first only lasted 10 months and the second lasted 3 years. She went through a lot of hard times and was even sent to a mental hospital for evaluation a few years back. She delt with drug issues for nearly 10 years her life, she is clean now. She doesn't have any kids. She has really pulled her life together and has been happy for nearly 3 years now. He is a great, honest man. I know that he really loves her. I am so happy that she has found him. I don't think I can hold this secret from him for the rest of my life. She asked me and the rest of our family to never tell him. To me she is starting off her marriage wrong and is setting them up for a future divorce. He knows very little about her past life. He deserves to know who he is marrying.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:25 PM on Apr. 6, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • You are absolutely right. Your sister is setting herself up for another divorce. She must not be thinking clearly. How does she possibly believe that her true past will never come out? Doesn't she realize they will eventually run into someone from her past, or he will see a picture of her? Something will come up and he will be more upset about the lying than the past. She is probably insecure. She sees him as a great man and he deserves a good woman. She is afraid that if he finds out about her past he will no longer love her. She doesn't feel she is good enough for him.
    He deserves the truth and she deserves a man who loves her for her. Most people would be impressed that she was able to get out of a bad situation and make her life into something good. That is something hard to do and she deserves respect for that. You cannot start your relationship with your BIL by lying to him. Tell her he deserves the truth.
    AnnaMac

    Answer by AnnaMac at 10:32 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • It's really not your place to tell him. I'm sure he'll find out some way, somehow. You might explain to her that she's not starting off a marriage in the right way. If he really loves her, than all that won't matter. The past is the past. On that note, he doesn't really have to know about hers. That belongs to her, not him. All you can do is make sure she knows what she's doing and support her.
    sarapurser

    Answer by sarapurser at 10:29 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I think he should know because it will come to bite her in the butt sooner or later. You can't keep stuff like that a secret. He needs to know and I'm sure he will be very understanding, especially if he does really love her. I wouldn't tell him behind her back though. Just try talking to her and see if she will tell him, show her that it is for the best.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:30 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • He does deserve to know who he is marrying. If she does not tell him, you should. He has a right to know. What if they get married, have children and she goes over the edge again? He as a right to make a fully informed decision about this. Be prepared for it to fully destroy your relationship. While that will be very hard, you have a duty to protect this unsuspecting man and any innocent children she might create with him.
    kemclaughlin

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 10:31 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Hey if she asked you not to say anything then let her deal with it. Of course it is wrong but is basically her decision. If she wants to start out her knew life looking over her shoulder hoping that no one will let it slip about her other marriages then that is on her. Trust me it will catch up to her some day.
    pnwmom

    Answer by pnwmom at 10:33 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • well when the apply for the license it asks if you were married before or something along that line so he will find out either way.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I would encourage her to be up front with her fiance and start her marriage with a clean slate. If this man loves her like she feels he does, he will love her no matter what her past has been. Good luck!
    dragonfly7271

    Answer by dragonfly7271 at 10:34 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Wow - sounds like a good start to a healthy marriage .....................


    Please, this is not a bash.
    bristle3kids

    Answer by bristle3kids at 10:36 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I think the answer that it is her problem, let her deal with it is flat wrong. He will soon be related to you! When you see him you will always have to watch what you say and what you bring up. Telling half-truths qualifies as LYING. What if he asks you (innocently) to tell him stories about his brides past. I know I love hearing about things my husband did in the past from my MIL and SIL. What she is asking of you is wrong. I do agree that it is not your place to tell him behind her back. You and your parents and everyone else close to her need to slap reality into this woman. She is doing something very wrong to him and to you guys. Your relationship with him will never be good knowing deep down that you are lying to him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:40 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I hope she is prepared for failed marriage number three. It is impossible to maintain a marriage that is based on a lie. She is who she is today and is the person he has fallen in love with because of her past experiences. How could she hide that from him? I can understand her fear of him not accepting her because of her past but that would mean they are not meant to be together. I'm on my third marriage now and I know if he didn't know my history that both of our lives would be miserable right now.
    cat1622

    Answer by cat1622 at 10:51 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

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