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Help! I don't know what to do for my husband.

He told me that his life is not complete. He is missing a big piece to the puzzle. He thinks that if we split up and he was able to date lots of women (which translates to: have sex with them) that he would feel happier. He wants to take a break from our marriage to make sure he made the right choice that there isn't another woman out there who is better for him. I can't do that! To me that is saying, "Let me make sure I don't love anyone else more than you, and if I don't find anyone else than I guess I will have to settle for you" To me that is totally disrespectful and hurtful. I really don't want this marriage to end. I love him so much. I want to help him feel whole. I feel so horrible that I can't be the woman to make him happy. I want him to be happy more than anything and if that means I have to let him go I will do that. But I don't want to to be an object that he can throw away and get back whenever he pleases.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:51 PM on Apr. 6, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • So he's not happy and he's looking outside himself for answers. Do you think he really doesn't understand that's not where to find happiness, or do you think he's using it as an excuse to end the relationship? Be honest with yourself. If you think it's the first, is there a way to talk to him and ask him to think about what it is throughout his life that has brought him happiness... you want him to have it and want to help him find what works for him... and that might lead him to realize it is a close, rather than casual connection, with people and nature or whatever it is that does it, not just newness and sex. If you don't think he wants to be committed to you anymore and is looking for an exit, then re-examine your own happiness and see where you can find it. Best of luck.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 11:11 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • well hate to say it, but if he is telling you he wants a seperation there is nothing you can do to stop it. i would tell him sorry but either we go our seperate ways or we are together. i can't be your fall back girl. have you suggested consueling maybe? couples or just for him
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:54 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Wow...this really must hurt.

    He is nuts to think you will let him sleep around and take him back later...what if he gets some disease?

    Like my grandfather used to say...SHIT or get off the pot. (translation, tell him to make up his mind one way or the other.)

    If you let him do this to you, he will not respect you. You may be the woman he comes back to, but you will always be devalued in his eyes.

    timelessglass

    Answer by timelessglass at 10:55 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Oh wow. Ok well I would try asking him if there is anything that you can do to make him happier. Maybe change something up in the bedroom, do something out of the norm maybe. I'm not quite sure what else. I would try talking things out first. Good luck darling. I wish you the best. I am getting married in a couple weeks and I am terrified that something like this will happen later. Men...they just don't know what they want in life. Keep your chin up though!
    Bamzakarat

    Answer by Bamzakarat at 10:56 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • It is saying that he wants to play around but he wants you in the background in case he doesn't have any luck elsewhere. This is shocking. I feel so badly for you! Get counseling, either with or without him. Right now, or tomorrow the very first thing, get to the bank and get an account in your own name and get all the money you can into it. Next consult a lawyer about what you need to do for your best insterests and those of your children. Standard advice for someone who changes like he has would be for him to get a physical exam to rule out physical reasons for this attitude. Think about how you would advise your sister, or your best friend, if this happened to them. Good luck. I know it's a terrible shock. Turn your thoughts towards your own future.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 10:57 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Ok first thing is first. YOU can't make him happy or anyone else for that matter. He has to make himself happy. If he really feels this way, why are you holding on to him? He is giving you the hints that the marriage is pretty much over for him and he wants to explore other "slop jars" for lack of a better term. Do yourself a favor and tell him if he's not happy and doesn't feel complete and wants to play the field then you'll send him divorce papers. Don't stay with a man that would hurt you so bad and be willing to throw you away like yesterday's trash. There are so many men out there. I'm not saying you need another man right now but just know that your husband IS replaceable and from the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like it would take very much for him to be replaced at this point. You need to love yourself more than you love him and let him go. You can and will be happy without him.

    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 10:58 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • I am so sorry, that is horrible. I think I would have said, " you know that might be a good idea, I have been thinking I need to fine someone more deserving of the love I give to you."

    These are the things that you figure out BEFORE you get married. Why would he married you if he thought there was something else better out there for him? You sound like a truly loving and devoted wife, and you deserve to have someone who can reciprocate that back to you. It is not your "job" to make him happier. He has a wonderful wife that loves him, and if he cannot find happiness in your fidelity and the family that you have created than he is undeserving of you. If I were you I wouldn't agree to a separation. Why separate? If he doesn't want to be with you, then get a divorce so that you BOTH can move on with your lives. Marriage is a constant challenge, you dont just get to decide to take a vacation because the party isn't fun anymore.
    2-1CavWife

    Answer by 2-1CavWife at 11:09 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Tell him that you both need to go to a marriage counselor. RIGHT AWAY. And that you will not give his proposal even one second of serious consideration until you've done so.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:15 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • it sounds like his mind is made up, you may not have a choice
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:18 PM on Apr. 6, 2009

  • Hon, Love is a really great thing. And frankly, you don't have it. Love is NOT a one way street. You can't be the only one who loves... he has to love you back for it to be a LOVING relationship. You can't miss what you didn't have in the first place. Try really hard to think with your head, and not your heart in this situation. He doesn't deserve you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this (hugs). When you TRULY find love, you will look back on this jackass and thank him!
    4theLoveofLovey

    Answer by 4theLoveofLovey at 11:22 PM on Apr. 6, 2009