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Do you think I am out of line?

My SO's ex told him she was pregnant after he had moved away and before he met me. He told me about this not long after we started dating. The woman doesn't call us or bother us unless she needs something like she asked for his medical history so she could tell the baby's doctor. She also told him she wasn't 100% faithful to him and when he asked her to get a paternity test she refused. I have never spoken to her e-mailed her anything. We spoke on the phone once but only because I didn't reconize the number and immediatly gave the phone to him(after being very poilte). My point is I've been staying out of it but a few days ago she e-mailed him because she is having trouble paying her bills and asked to borrow some. He told me he was not going to give her any because she was addicted to drugs (first I'ver heard of it) and would spend it on that. I told him ask her who her gas company is and pay her bill then. Cont...


Asked by Anonymous at 3:48 PM on Apr. 7, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (19)
  • I think you should stay out of it. You may not be out of line giving your suggestions (good ones they are too) but he's not willing to listen. He has his reasons so respect them.

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:53 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • He still is refusing so I asked him what he thought of my ex when he didn't pay his child support and he said it was different and I was out of line. I don't think it is. I didn't say any thing about this to him before because I almost understand where he's coming from when he says his daughter is 4 now and him jumping back into her life now would be harmful to her, but I can't accept him not taking care of her even if it's from the shadows.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:50 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • You need to find out if the baby is his or not. If so, he should step up and help out if he can with some bills, but make sure that is where the money is going. She could just be taking advantage of the "it's your baby" routine.

    Answer by Sitar21 at 3:52 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • Don't think you're out of line, just concerned for the child. Of course it is suspicious that she won't let him take a paternity test. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to help her, he may think the child isn't his. Maybe try to get a test. If he's proved to be the father he might want to help. You had a good idea by paying the company rather then giving her the cash.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:55 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • and i understand that but she refuses to take her for a parternity test. The baby looks just like him and I know that doesn't mean it's his but some day this little girl might want to meet him and the only one giving opinions is her mother she hasn't asked for any money in the 2 years I've been with him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:55 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • I agree with Sitar21, he needs to take her to court and get a paternity test if necessary to get it done and answer the question. Then, if it's not his, he can tell her to go away and she'll have nothing to hold over him. If it is his, then he can either step up and pay child support, or if he believes she's a druggie and that his daughter is in danger, he can step up and try to get her out of that situation. And I just have to say, honestly, that his statement out of the blue that she is a druggie bothers me. My ex used to say that about his ex that he has a daughter with, to try to get out of paying support. She was not a druggie, he just didn't want to pay. I'm not saying your b/f is like my ex, but it just strikes me as being odd. It sounds like either he doesn't believe the child is his, or he does, but doesn't want to take responsibility for her.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 3:57 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • He can have a court ordered test if she won't. If she is asking him for anything at all and saying that it "might" be his, then he needs to find out and take care of things before this little girl figures out what is going on.

    Answer by Sitar21 at 3:58 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • Why is he allowing a drug addict to raise his child? Stepping into her life as her dad would not be harmful if her mother is a drug addict or even if she wasn't. Why deny the child a father? This isn't making any sense to me, is there more to the story?
    Your question to him was logical. You probably caught him off guard since you hadn't ever involved yourself before and hit a sore nerve. I think the idea of getting the gas company name was a good idea it also would be a good way of him being sure if she was just trying to get money for drugs or had legitimate bills.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:59 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • Also, by being in a relationship with him, makes this YOUR BUSINESS too. Don't let him tell you that you are out of line.

    Answer by Sitar21 at 4:00 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • >My concern would be if there is a chance that your SO is the father, why hasn't he pursued a paternity test so that he can have a relationship with his child, especially if it is true that she is an addcit? I don't think it is out of line, if you and he have a life together & there is a chance this child is his, his X could really disrupt your lives (& quite frankly, rightfully so if your SO is the father). Four years old or not I don't ever think it's to late fpr a parent to man up & be there for his child, in every way possible. Personally, whether I was planning on having kids with my SO or not I couldn't see staying in relationship with someone who wasn't taking care of his responsiblities. There is an inncent child involved I wouldn't be able to sleep, if I were him, not knowing if that child was mine. I don't know how long you've been with your SO, but I think you should pay close attention how he handles this says alot

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 4:00 PM on Apr. 7, 2009