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What can I do when the ex starts turning the kids against you???

I'm in a serious relationship and I want my kids to get to know him but they are reluctant to let themselves get to know him. they go to their rooms and do not interact . we play games sometimes at night and thats fine but will not warm up to him. Their dad is also very reluctant to meet him .He doesnt even look his way when we go see the boys playing soccor.During christmas the bf bought the kids gift and the 11 yr old said " o he's trying to buy us?" This doesnt sound like an 11 yr old, this came from an adult...his dad.the boys are cold to me now and belittle me in words and action. they are disrespectful and talk harsh to me. I will seek counseling in the near future.....but any suggestions??????

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:33 PM on Apr. 7, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (5)
  • you have to talk to the ex about it, if you talk to your 11 year old he's just going to think see dad was right. just tell him that you are both trying to raise your kids, its a job both of you are doing and you don't feel you can do your half if he is belittling the choices you make to the kids. my parents seperated when i was 11 and they both talked bad about the other to me all the time, by the time i was a teen i didnt want to listen to either of them. and why should i, when both of them just argued through me? so i would definately try to keep the kids out of it. as for your kids interacting with your bf do something outta the house where they dont have a choice to hide. go to the zoo, out to dinner something and try to find common ground. do your bf and son both like baseball? get them tickets to a game or something like that.
    vabchmommy

    Answer by vabchmommy at 6:42 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • Kids are terrified of being replaced by a new person in a parent's life. Just keep telling them you love them and you will never leave them. They think if you and dad split up then you will split with them too. Just reassure them that won't happen and that the new guy won't replace them. It's normal that they resent him. It will wear off in time.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:46 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • Seek counseling now and make the ex go with. This is just wrong and inappropriate behavior from the ex and the boys. Stop it now. Do not tolerate disrespectful behavior. If they are rude and disrespectful, send them to their room until they are ready to act appropriately. If they have tv's or other fun things in their rooms, TAKE THEM AWAY. They lose all priveleges until they can act appropriately to you and your bf. Do not back down.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:45 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • I wouldn't punish them for struggling with this huge change in their lives. If their father is having a hard time with it too, that is probably influencing them. They feel allegiance to their father.....Not that he should be making them choose between him and the boyfriend. How long have you been separated? How long has the guy been around? I completely agree that it is a good issue for counseling rather than punishment or threats. These are your precious children and that hasn't changed because of the divorce or the new relationship.
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 8:18 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • Is your ex trying to turn the kids against you or your new guy? If it really is against you, that is called parental alienation and is very frowned upon by the family court. If its against your new boyfriend, there's not a lot you can do about that except let your kids see how happy this new guy is making you and use every opportunity to show them he's a good guy. Perhaps an extented weekend vacation where they have no choice but to interact with him will show them that he's not trying to replace their dad but at least wants to try and get along with them. Maybe something like a camping trip would be good.

    As for your ex not wanting to meet the new guy, um... well he's probably like my ex and expects you to turn into an old maid who never dates again and pines away for him.

    Good luck to you!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:22 PM on Apr. 11, 2009

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