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How do you deal with a husband that's loyalty is to his family before you and your children?

My husband did not show this side of himself until after we were married. He lets his family talk about me in very negative ways and does not stand up for me at all. Granted this is not when I am around it is when he goes to visit the by himself. He comes home and tells me what was said but never tells me what he said in my defense. Whenever he has contact of any sort it almost guarnatees an arguement between us. They, being his MOM, his SISTER and his DAD, always have a bad influence on his attitude and he comes home and dishes it out to me. He calls me names, other than mine and threatens me with divorce. Every single person on his mothers side has been divorced, even her. I refuse to have our lives turn out like theirs but he really makes it difficylt when he always ends up taking their side. No matter what the situation is.

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tiffpeep

Asked by tiffpeep at 9:51 PM on Apr. 7, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • You guys may need some counseling to help this one. It's a good way to learn how to get on the same side of a problem and attack it together.
    sparrowprincess

    Answer by sparrowprincess at 9:55 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • he needs to stay away from his family. They are the problem
    three-for-now

    Answer by three-for-now at 9:57 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • I don't understand why he's coming home telling you everything... looks like he'd know that'd just make the problem worse between you and them, not to mention him acting like he does is just not very smart.
    I don't know what I'd do really, but I do know that he wouldn't come in and call me names very many times before I left. I'm not saying I wouldn't come back, but I'd be wanting some sort of councelling or something because if you let him do that to you long enough you'll start to believe it and you're worth so much more than that.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:01 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • I have a similar situation, he recently has stood up for me but the damage has been done in the past for so long, I don't think anyone really cares. They have trashed me for years, esp MIL! It is very hard and hurtful but at least now he sees that it wasn't all in my head. He thought I imagined problems in the past, now he sees it is actually real. He states that we will be happy without their opinions about us/me. Maybe your hubby will do the same eventually when he sees how much it hurts you. Maybe he'll start standing up for you and your feelings. I hope so, good luck!
    army_wife2000

    Answer by army_wife2000 at 10:25 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • girl u married him 2. It's just his mom with me though. Good luck with that
    Jess288

    Answer by Jess288 at 10:34 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • Is he sharing things with them? Some men don't stand up--I've not had the same problems, but my husband does not always stand up for me. He says I take care of things most of the time--which is true, but I'd like him to do it too. I've had it out with his sister more than once, and I came out and asked his mom if she liked me or not. Do they have a reason to talk? Or is it all BS type stuff? You can't put up with abuse for the sake of not being happy regardless of the issues and who is involved. I think counselling, talking when you aren't wrapped up in an argument, and him making a stand and learning how you feel. It seems like he does not get this, and needs too. Best wishes. Marriage is not easy, and on the hard days and the bad days we need to know our partner is there even when things are not perfect.

    Teachermom01

    Answer by Teachermom01 at 10:36 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • Get the book TOXIC IN LAWS by Dr. Reed
    Read it, digest its valuable information and then apply the strategies suggested, then hit him with the book as hard as you can in the head to see if that will be a wake up call to maturity for him LOL.

    If things don't improve with the book suggest him couples theraphy if this doesn't work, dump his ass, life is too short to try to raise a husband, you have children to think of and the situation sounds as if it is toxic enough between you two.

    I agree with Dr. Phil on this one: Is better to come from a broken home then live in one.
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 11:53 PM on Apr. 7, 2009

  • The answer is not in staying away from his family the answer is in you two properly communicating. Trust me I've delt with this first hand. I have been with my husband for five years, married for four and I did not get along with his sister until December of 2008 when she FINALLY apologized to me for EVERYTHING she had done. YOU TWO NEED MARRIAGE COUNCELING. That is the only thing that opened my husbands eyes to what he was doing and how badly I needed him not to mention we were 7 mos pregnant when the biggest explosion of it all happened.

    Seek help for your marriage through a professional. Please. Sometimes the only way someone can really hear what you are saying is through a person that they have zero connection to.

    You're in my prayers.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:32 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • If you dont go to their house much you should make an effort just for the reason of satisfying them, maybe to open up their eyes, Dont hide because these are the results you will see, You need to make yourself more available and even push yourself off on them if you can to get them to see the light and to avoid harsh comments and for your boyfriend to see a different side of you , to see you are trying to gain your trust enough to even defend you. The In Laws are wrong but go ahead with it because this might make things better, I know because it worked for me. Thanks for reading good luck!
    PajamaMama246

    Answer by PajamaMama246 at 1:34 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • Without sounding judgmental, it sounds as if your dh is easily swayed by his family's opinions and it really affects his moods while he's over there visiting. Yes, I agree with the other's advice; counseling.
    Marriages would fair far better if the parties involved would realize that the very definition of the word "marriage" is "two people becoming one flesh". His family saying bad things about you is the same as them saying bad things about him. It should bother the heck out of him & he should put them in their place so that they NEVER say anything derogatory about you again. And they WOULDN'T, if they knew they couldn't get away with it! My DH would take up for me in a heartbeat if someone said something negative about me to him, as I would for him! He's not perfect, nor am I, but we will work out our problems together. Someone else's lips flapping isn't going to help our marriage one bit! Best wishes!
    etexmom

    Answer by etexmom at 11:42 AM on Apr. 9, 2009

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