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What is it about being deployed makes men suddenly relieze that they are unhappy and don't want to be married anymore?

Been with my husband for 11 years, only 3 have been military life. This is our first deployment and our marriage was rocky to begin with but now 6 mths into it he's decided that he's miserable and does not want to make it work with me anymore. We have two toddlers and yeah i'm kind of blindsided here. What is it cuz i've heard off this happening to many women.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:58 AM on Apr. 8, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • They either get use to, or enjoy their time alone more than they thought they would, and since they actually get to see what it's like without you, it's not so hard to leave. Or they've found another woman that's in the military with him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:01 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • Staring death in the face every day is a funny thing. It makes you look at your priorities, and what you want out of life. It's like they finally see the whole picture and decide that life is short, how do I want to live mine, you know?

    I'm sure that for every man that evaluates their life and decides to divorce, there's at least one that looks at his life and decides it's perfect and reaffirms their faith in their love and marriage. It's just that we don't hear about them because deciding you love your wife and family isn't big dramatic news, LOL...

    Answer by AnnieMcD at 1:06 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • I'm sorry this is happening to you! Sadly, there is a lot of people that have this happen to them, but there are also a lot that don't. Plus, some say this while under the stress of the deployment, but they don't mean it.

    I think what happens is that if your marriage is already under stress and sort of on the brink, then the stress of a deployment can sometimes push it over the edge. I would suggest that you talk to the base Chaplain's Office, whether you're religious or not. They can really help you work this out.

    Again, I'm sorry, I hope things work out for you :-(

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 1:06 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • I think that they realize how precious life is, and how fleating it is as well, and instead of seeing how much they have, they tend to focus on what they dont have.
    Since you had problems before they have only been compounded by the distance, the good thing is that you cant divorce him while he is deployed and vise versa, so perhaps you can suggest for him to talk with the chaplain, and when he gets home seek marriage counseling. It is not always so cut and dry with the military, and a lot of these feelings can be an indicator of other problems he might be having. I know it is hard, and you have already been through so much, but examine and exhaust all of your resources, and find out what is really going on before you lose all your faith in your marriage. If you need to talk just pm me! I wish you and your family the best and I hope that you can work through it.

    Answer by 2-1CavWife at 1:06 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • i have always felt that the military ruins good men for women. most men think twice about behaving badly because they are afraid their wives will find out. in the service they can do what they want without that fear or guilt because "everyone else is doing it". in addition, they get huge egos because of all the "i'm the shit" bullshit the service makes them believe in order to make them killing machines. and not to mention all those "barrack whores"! i hope this does not offend anyone but i don't think most men can resist the temptations of living a soldiers life. they have been away from their families for so long, they lose touch. families should be together, its just too hard to make it work when youre apart for so long.

    Answer by ericadrian at 1:18 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • I agree with all of the posts!

    Answer by QueenAdeela at 2:08 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • I hate to admit it, but deep down inside, I for the most part agree with ericadrian... it's a hard life for them sometimes and if you're asked to go a year with no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing physical, then what to do... the connection has a hard time staying intact for a lot of people. Sure there's the ones that call and hold each other emotionally, and connect like that, and that's awesome that they do, but it's just so hard to be seperated and still stay together. If you'd married and it'd been that way at the beginning it might've been different too... you had a different life for all of those years and now it's completely disrupted and maybe he'll change his mind but I don't know... I wish you and your whole family so much luck, as well as all of the other military families out there. Heck I wish everyone luck in their marriages, and safety, health and overall just good luck.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 5:46 AM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • A lot of times men and women use deployments as an excuse to do what they wanted to do anyway. They weren't happy and wanted to leave. They were thinking about cheating, or was being tempted to. They don't do it before they go, because they don't want to face the consequences (they can't look their spouse in the eye and say it's over), or "they aren't that kind of person (because they know it's slimy to walk out on your spouse and kids b/c you want to play around).

    Now, there's a deployment, and the person who was unhappy, man or woman, the deployed or the one at home - can do what they wanted to do all along, but "it's not THEIR fault - the stress of the deployment pushed them to it - THEY aren't a bad person, THEY'RE a victim".

    They use the deployment as an excuse.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:50 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • cont
    There are tons of couples that go through deployments faithful to each other. But they don't get heard from usually, because, think about it, why post something like "my dh is deployed, he loves me, and is being faithful, or he's just come home and things are going well, what should I do?"

    I'm sorry, but you said there were problems before, I think he's using the deployment to do something he's been thinking about for awhile, because this way he doesn't have to face you.

    I would go talk to the base chaplain about it. Also, you do have rights and protections as a military spouse, so make sure you don't get screwed over!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:54 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

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