Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

So... I heard my sister-in-law is having an affair!! What should I do?

Okay…

*deep breath*

I’ve heard a rumor that my brother’s wife is having an affair. I’ve come across phone records (bad, I know…) and found evidence to support the rumor.

No, I’m not a “busy body”… always putting my nose in other’s business. This woman is a an ungrateful witch and treats my brother like dirt. They’ve been married for 8 years now. In the beginning, I tried so hard to get along with her, but eventually got to a point where I just couldn’t handle it and ended up telling her off. It was then that my brother explained to me that all he wanted from me was my love and support… and I’ve just turned my cheek to it all… up until now.

What now?

Do I tell my brother? Confront her? Tell my mom? Or my sister? Mind my own business?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:23 PM on Apr. 8, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • leave it be! Her lies will be revealed soon enough.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • The first thing to do is to ask her if it's true. She will probably deny it even if it is, so watch her facial expression and body language to see what they tell you. If you still can't tell for sure, then you tell her that either she tells him there are rumors or that you are going to tell him there are rumors. Set a time limit for her to tell him, and then tell him. He at least deserves to know that there are rumors about his wife, and he is your brother. I would certainly tell mine.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:28 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • Mind your own business.... do you really want to be the person who delivers the news that destroys your brother's life and heart?? Here's what I did when I learned my son's fiance was cheating on him while he was in the Marines..... I wrote him a letter, dated the day I found out, and I mailed it TO MYSELF>>>>> I did not mail it to him. After he came home, after he found out, after the initial shock was over, I sat down with him and told him that there was something I needed to share with him. THEN I gave him the letter, before he opened it, I told him that I so badly wanted him to know what was going on, but I could not bring myself to be the person that delivered the news that hurt him. I told him I wrote the letter and mailed it back to myself to mark the time and place of me finding out and to show him that I was not hiding anything from him, but it hurt too bad to be the person to tell him.
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 2:30 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • Mind your business.
    NJMom2Tyler

    Answer by NJMom2Tyler at 2:37 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • you are wise pace... i don't want to hurt him... i have a feeling he will stay with her... and therefore, don't want to embarrass him.. or make it awkward because i know... let alone more of the family knowing.

    but, in the same breath... what if it doesn't stop? what if ten years go by and she has ten more affairs? which is quite possible... she doesn't value him at all.. but then he finds out... and then comes to know that his so-called friends and family knew all along.. how stupid, embarrassed and hurt will he feel then?

    i want to stay out of it.. like i say, i'm not like that and i don't want to hurt him. its just that i too know how it feels to not only have been cheated on, but to also know that so many came and went through my life.. knowing about it all... and never saying a word. that hurts too.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • Normally, I would say stay out of it, but her actions can and are putting his health at risk. How many people get STD's from a spouse that they thought was faithful to them? Some of those can kill you.

    I think I would tell her privately that you've heard this, and you have proof of it. That you don't want to be in her business, but you do love your brother and you know that on a lot of levels this is not good for him. You are trusting her to be a woman and step up and tell him herself. But, that if she doesn't (give her a timeframe of, say, a week), then you will have to tell him yourself.

    Then, if you have to tell him, get together with him and tell him you love him very much, and you do want to be there for him and support him. But, you also don't want to see him in jeopardy.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:00 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • cont

    Tell him that you have this information that you know will hurt him, but that for his own health and emotional well being, he needs to know. Tell him that whatever he chooses to do - or NOT do (because he might forgive her) - with the info, you will respect his decision and love and support him with it.

    Then give him the evidence you have and tell him his wife is cheating on him. Then, repeat that you didn't want to hurt him, but thought it would be worse for him if he didn't know, and no matter what he decides, you love him and support him and his decision.

    I would also let him know that you did talk to her about it first and tried to give her the chance to tell him herself.

    Then, after that - do exactly that - leave it alone and respect whatever he decides to do with the info. whether you agree with it or not.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:05 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • I know from experience its best you keep it to yourself! My mom and I did this. He chose to stick by her because he loved her. Its been 4 years now. He has only talked to me once and talks to my mom once in a great while, we were viewed by her as trouble makers who never liked her in the first place. She is a mean evil woman and my brother should grow some but Im sure she makes it hell if he even talks about us. Your brother may decide to forgive her. Im sure she will get caught you could always send an anonymous email or letter to him with the proof. Im not sure that would help though she would probably deny it.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 3:18 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • If I were put into an absolute HAVE to do something situation... I would talk to her first, because first of all,..... the evidence you have may or may not be enough to prove that she is having an affair... it may prove that she is, or that she is just practicing stupid judgment.... if you do talk to her, give her 24-48 hours (I'd be afraid if given a week, she'll do everything she can to spin it in her favor and try to make you look bad) or you will tell him...... if you do decide to tell him; do it with her there and with your proof in hand. (And if you do talk to her.... I'd either record it or take a witness).... I wouldn't trust her to be honest about your conversation with her.

    This is his marriage, and while you care a lot about him, stepping into his marriage is not really your place. This is life and it can bite you in the ass when you are the messenger of bad news.
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 3:26 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

  • Its only a rumor. Unless you personally witnessed the act, then I would keep my mouth shut. Rumors can destroy lives and reputations if they are not true. Now, if its true, then know that it will only be a matter of time that he finds out anyway. I would have to have proof before I said anything.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 3:30 PM on Apr. 8, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.