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For birth mothers, have you ever met or had an online relationship with a woman that chose adoption because she knew she was going to lose her infant to CPS?

This is a follow on to my other question.

 
onethentwins

Asked by onethentwins at 11:59 AM on Apr. 10, 2009 in Adoption

Level 22 (12,486 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Yes - I worked in the child welfare system for 17 years and know of women who chose to relinquish their rights to their unborn children because of prior CPS history. That said, far more of the women who were "known" to CPS wanted to parent their subsequent children. Why would this surprise anybody? Desire to parent your children is the most natural response (no matter the situation these ladies were in). Should they be denied the ability to parent subsequent children based soley on their CPS history? Yes, the history should be factored in to the risks to subsequent children, but if the parent can show that they've done their work and their ability to parent is solid they should be given that chance. Just as birth moms who were never involved with the system can successfuly parent subsequent children, so too can many who were involved with the system at some point.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 6:59 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • I am not a bmom but I do know one on cafemom and 2 in real life. (I dont want to give the details on the one on here but my guess is you would know her too). I dont thinky ou will find many on here because the women who are having their children taken from them by CPS are not the ones that are on adoption/birthmom boards.

    One of the ones that I know in real life was really obvious, social worker at the hospital, etc. The other one was more subtle, the couple didnt know that the child was in that situation until after birth, the attny was contacted by the bmoms parole officer to prove the child was placed.

    I think this is a relatively new situation, more and more bmoms realize that couples will pay big bucks for babies and are more forgiving of alcohol/drug use
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:35 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • I know one. One child had already been removed from her care and adopted out after about a year in foster care. She had cleaned up her act since then and was trying desparately to figure out a way to keep her new baby. As with most states, once you've been TPR'd by CPS, every child you have will be taken away at birth regardless of whether you cleaned up your act or not, which I think really needs to be redone. She was 22 when her son was adopted out and 28, 29 yrs old when she found herself preggo with her daughter. She considered hiding the pregnancy, moving to Canada.....anything she could think of. But CPS was already sniffing around when she had to apply for medicaid and see a doc. In the end, she did a private adoption. CPS did try to intervene, getting a court order to stop the adoption so they could get dibs on the baby for their own bonuses. Court ruled in favor of the mom and the couple adopting the baby.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:49 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • cont.
    She went thru with the adoption, even having to get police involved and everything just to keep CPS from taking the baby under their noses at the hospital. She does have an open adoption. Her daughter is now 4 yrs old and knows of her mother. The couple who adopted the little girl have been awesome to her in allowing on going contact. CPS did try to find a way to take the little girl for almost a year after her placement. Sore losers. All they saw was a cash flow. It took a judge and a restaining order to finally keep them away from the family.

    This woman is my friend and I do not judge as to why her son was removed, and she admits she made some mistakes and is at least grateful that her son is being taken care of and is well loved. The couple that adopted him do send her updates as well. She misses both her children very much and she feels very lucky to at least be included to some extent in their lives.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:54 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • Within everyone I interact with in adoption, bmom, and expectant mom groups, I have never come aross anybody that I know of that was considering adoption because CPS was going to take their child anyway. Nor in my volunteer work that is f2f have I come across one.
    But I do know of one situation, my cousin, whose experience was much like the one Randi described of her friends. She struggled through her younger years with a drug problem and her daughter was taken away by CPS. Our aunt herself had to fight CPS because my cousin's daughter was a baby and they wanted to place her in a home with a couple who were already talking about adopting her instead of placing her within her family. Anyhow, my cousin became pregnant a few years later and CPS immediately said they were going to take the baby as soon as it was born, even though she had tested clean for drug use for over a year . . .
    casjoh

    Answer by casjoh at 1:22 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • Cont . . . and had begun courses at community college.
    She literally was told she had no rights to her unborn baby and the only thing that saved her baby from being taken from CPS was that the father of the child, who already had one child and had NEVER been involved with CPS fought for his rights to his child. CPS did put up a fight, but in the end he won and my cousin (though I'm not sure if CPS is aware) is living with the father and raising her daughter while still trying to get her older daughter back - CPS is still pushing to terminate her rights to her older child and have even tried to tell my aunt she should adopt her, which she won't do because she wants her back with her mom where she belongs.
    casjoh

    Answer by casjoh at 1:27 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • If you really, truly want to help her....maybe you could be a temporary guardian until she gets her act together. I am looking into that for a friend of mine.
    Then, if she choses adoption in the future, it's not something she feels forced into. And, if she gets herself to a better place, she can be the mom she should be.....I think it's the best for the baby, but it's gotta be a really hard thing to do.
    I think of it as Voluntary Foster Care!
    christyg

    Answer by christyg at 1:55 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • Yes, I am a firstmom, and I don't personally know of any. I've been on adoption forums since 2002 & here on CM since 2007.

    I'll have to disagree w/ the woman who responded with, "women who are having their children taken from them by CPS are not the ones that are on adoption/birthmom boards." Yes, they are, because they KNOW the pain of losing a child to another family. And we can relate.

    What Randi and Cassi described is so very very wrong.
    CPS is doing these things for $$, not for benefit of the child.

    I have read, and I'm trying to remember what state/city, where judges are starting to challange CPS for their refusal and failure to place the child in the care of family before strangers.

    It's about stinking time!
    JoesGirl

    Answer by JoesGirl at 5:06 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • I just want to clarify here,
    I am not going to say there are NEVER times for CPS to intervene on behalf of the child.
    Abuse is NEVER acceptable. No matter how old, no matter who the caretaker is.

    However too many people hear CPS and make automatic judgments and assumptions.

    They haven't heard of or researched issues where blatant misdeeds are going on - and it is NOT in the best interest of the child. This is a growing problem that people start to become aware of so it can be stopped. Otherwise the KIDS who NEED protected, arent.

    Tx.
    JoesGirl

    Answer by JoesGirl at 5:14 PM on Apr. 10, 2009

  • If you really, truly want to help her....maybe you could be a temporary guardian until she gets her act together. I am looking into that for a friend of mine. Then, if she choses adoption in the future, it's not something she feels forced into. And, if she gets herself to a better place, she can be the mom she should be.....I think it's the best for the baby, but it's gotta be a really hard thing to do. I think of it as Voluntary Foster Care!


    clapping


    All I can say is - Wow!  I am so glad there are people out there like you.  You are a great and understanding friend and everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like you in their life.

    casjoh

    Answer by casjoh at 5:17 PM on Apr. 10, 2009