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I am torn between making my marriage work and figuring out what is best for my family.

My Dh just got back to work a little over a month ago. He received his first paycheck on Friday, and he has spent all his check on silly things. He has been looking for a truck to buy and found over this past week and is going up to Wyoming tonight to get it. The night before Easter he is leaving his family at home so he can go buy a truck that he has to put back together and that he had to borrow the money for. His step mom found out and is all over to make up my mind on what i want for myself and my children. She says that she doesn't want to see a divorce, but i need to be a B*T*H and tell him what I want, but I know that if I do that I would be out on my ass.
I don't want my children raised thinking their parents didn't care enough to at least try and make their relationship work.
Now i may not have made sense but i am tired and emotional. Am I wrong for wanting to make my marriage work?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:40 AM on Apr. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Not at all! You have to do what you want to do, and what you feel is right. Not what anyone else thinks. It's your marriage, not theirs. I listened to everyone else when my husband and I had problems and it only made things worse. And I was constantly wondering "well is that what I wanted". Do what your heart tells you. Best of luck hun!
    sailfishmommy

    Answer by sailfishmommy at 12:43 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • No your not wrong for wanting make it work, but were does this leave you and your husband... He is causing financial stress for the rest of the family but being selfish and stupid with the money he makes.... He acts like he is the only one in his little world and that nobody else matters... I think you should tell your husband what you need and if he puts you out then your better off! Marriage is a partnership, not only-me-ship... Think about it.
    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 12:44 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • No you love him, and want him to be happy, but what is the expense of that happiness?

    You can make your marriage work, and still solve this problem. I have to ask, do you guys have a reliable vehicle? What are his reasons for buying the truck, just to tinker with?"
    2-1CavWife

    Answer by 2-1CavWife at 12:44 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • do what you think is right for your family. but don't stay in it just for the kids my parents did that and it just made us resent their relationship even worse
    vabchmommy

    Answer by vabchmommy at 12:45 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • If I were you( I dont know if you work or not?) I would start looking for a job if I didn't have one. I would print up resumes have the newspaper on the table every night when he came home, as well as any adds on careerbuilder,monster, or any other job website. You want him to see them! Put on the applications that you want to be contacted when you know he will be home. He will eventually start to wonder what is up, and why you are looking for a job. Wait for him to ask!

    He will say things like, "I provide for this family, or I work my ass off so we have money." Then you just need to tell him, that you (meaning your family) will not be able to be financial stable and live the "lifestyle" that ya'll lead."

    He will ask you what that means, and all you have to say is, "Well honey you really wanted that truck, and I wanted you to have it, but if we are going to buy extras for ourselves, then we cant do that on one income."
    2-1CavWife

    Answer by 2-1CavWife at 12:50 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • I find it interesting that you put the choices as "making your marriage work" OR "doing what is best for your family" as if they were mutually exclusive. It implies that there are other serious issues in your relationship that you haven't mentioned.

    You are absolutely not wrong for wanting to make your marriage work. I don't believe anyone goes into a marriage hoping it will fail, or with the intent of not really trying to make it work. So don't believe that if your marriage didn't work, that you didnt' want it badly enough or didn't work hard enough. Remember that in order for marriage to work, bothparties have to be equally committed. If your husband has already checked out, there is nothing you can do to change it.

    The money he makes is not his alone when you are married. Even if you're not in a community property state, you are nonetheless entitled to what is "equitable" or fair.
    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 12:51 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • Be nice and sincere. Dont raise your voice or be condescending in anyway to him. You just put a little mental land-mine in his head, that will probably go off within the week, and I bet you that he will get the picture, without ultimatums.
    2-1CavWife

    Answer by 2-1CavWife at 12:51 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • I personally don't think this situation is a reason to up and leave your husband so I am thinking there's more to the story. Does he do this kind of thing all the time? Does he always spend money without discussing with you? Does he always leave you and your kids alone on holidays?
    Of course I would express my feelings. You shouldn't have to NOT say anything afraid he'll put you out. If you can't express your feelings to him without him making a drastic decision like that (putting you out on your ass) then is he really worth it? We don't know how your husband is, only you know if it's truely bad or not. If my husband did that he'd get a bitching for days. But I also know he wouldn't "put me out" because I bitched at him.
    BrendaMomOf3

    Answer by BrendaMomOf3 at 1:07 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • Ive experienced the same as you in a way..... my husband bought a truck before baby was due when we were looking for a "family" veheicle put rims on it 3 months after bought a sound syestem lowered it.... the whole works is now thinking about putting air bags on it.... mind you we had to move back home because his excessive stupidness on spending. i bitched for a long time it wasnt until i had to move back in with my mom where i decided i didnt need this and his prioritys need to come first so i gave him an ultimatum....your son and i or that truck... you choose! because thats how i honestly felt that his truck was more important than us.....he realized his stupidity and came to his senses. i dont know how old you are but we are very young 21 and 22 but ive learned if you hitem with and ultimatum...it makes them think moral of the story lay down the law in what you want outta him and the marriage
    brandnew744

    Answer by brandnew744 at 1:24 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

  • Making your marriage work DOE SNOT mean letting him have everything he wants, especially if it's a poor choice for the family.

    So. Is the problme that he'll be gone for Easter, or that he's going and running up a new debt? Does he understand how serious that is?

    Honestly, better off without him if he's going to be irresponsible. Your children will more easily forgive a separation than they will being poor and possibly moving from home to home because Dad blows the rent money.

    DH has been there and done that...he says he wishes his parents had separated long before they did, instead of trying to work things out.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:49 AM on Apr. 12, 2009

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