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for women in abusive relationships

Why do you stay?
Why wouldn't you leave after he threw the first punch?
Is it because you love him?
Is it because you have nowhere else to go?
How can you let that happen, and go on happening?
not being mean i really just don't understand.


Asked by Rachel24517 at 1:28 PM on Apr. 13, 2009 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,548 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • The reasons are as diverse as the persons involved and CM doesn't have enough space to go into it all. Why not after he threw the first punch? There's a "pattern" which instills a sense of false security..... what follows the PUNCH is a HONEYMOON phase; where he's sorry and is kissing your ass basically trying to get you to NOT LEAVE.... you fall for it, because you want to have a good relationship... and you want to have a good relationship with him. Is it because you love him? Not always.... HOPE plays a huge factor.... abused women are often the most hopeful of all women.... hope can keep you hanging on long after love is gone. Nowhere else to go? Often it is, and then you have to add humiliation, pride, fear and insecurity. How can you let it go on happening? Many times, you become powerless to stop it. Women leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving.

    Answer by PaceMyself at 1:36 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • I didn't have the money to end it, once I did it was over... That was my only reason.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:30 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • Because they don't have a job or any skills or education to get a job. They made themselves stuck. Every woman needs an education, we should not have to rely on a man to pay our bills!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • Stated in another abuse post, my brother in law had a co-worker and her daughter murdered by the estranged husband/father. A few weeks ago, she was in the correctional officer field, no one is fully protected by the law, even if you have a restraining order, if the person is going to do bodily harm they will find a way. It was a terrible way that they died at that.

    Answer by IRA871 at 1:33 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • I don't think anyone understands why someone would stick around. There could be plenty of issue's the woman has with herself to begin with like lack of self asteem. Sometimes when your in a long relationship the abuser can make someone feel like they are not worth a damn and people often believe it. It really does take a strong woman to know the difference between wrong and right and get her ass out of there. I had a friend that constantly picked the abusive boyfriends and I started thinking that she must like it for the attention everyone around her gives her/always feeling sorry for her/calling her to see how shes doing. IF it really is that bad or as bad as the abused make it sound then they could leave anytime they want! period! even if you have no where to go there are battered woman shelter's everywhere. OR maybe a friend they can stay with for the time being. you never know....

    Answer by faithsMoM27 at 1:34 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • Its not something you can understand until you have been there. I spent 3 years in a very abusive relationship. He only put his hands on me once but there were countless times I would rather he had beat me to a piup than do and say the things he did. Looking back, I see so many red flags before the abuse started. Things I explained away, and ignored.
    I stayed because of different things. At first I wanted to rescue him, to be the girl that changed him. Then i stayed because I felt like he truly loved me and only did those things because I made him. Then I stayed because I was terrified of him, not for myself, but for my family. It took some drastic changes in our situation for me to see him for what he was and end the relationship.
    Its so easy to judge women who are there, when you never have been. Ending an abusive relationship isnt easy as it sounds.

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 1:35 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • could be a med problem or dysfunction for a temper. Get all abusive hubbys on PSYCHIACTRIC MEDS LIKE BIPOLAR/ANTIDEPRESSANTS!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:36 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • anon 1;32 thats a pretty ignorant answer. I know so very well educated, successful women who have stayed in abusive relationships. So I suggest you do some research before spouting such ignorance.

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 1:37 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • abbynzachsmommy, I guess you freaked anon 1;32 answer away. I NEVER read others answers I just answer. you just happen to be above where I was typing and saw half of it and looked up for the answer. You are right I know some pretty successful people that stay as well not just female. It has to do with many factors why the person stays. Sometime it has nothing @ all to do with love. It depends on the person and circumstances are a very BIG factor in life period no matter the situation. It is not right to judge ANYONE we all walk in different shoes. The circumstances that have happen in our lives affects the path we choose to take in life when certain events happen in our lives. We all handle things differently.

    Answer by Jess288 at 2:01 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • abbynzachmommy, it's not as ignorant as you think. That's one of the reasons I stayed in mine as long as I did, and he never hit me. He sexually and emotionally abused me and made me believe that he was the best I would ever get.

    In another answer to the op's question, PaceMyself hit on it...the security. There's a sick security in knowing what to expect, and when you leave, that security is gone because you no longer KNOW what to expect.

    It took my now-husband to get me out, and we had been friends for many years prior to this. The world is a scary place, and sometimes the abuse seem safer than the world even though those on the outside don't see it that way. It takes time for the eyes of a victim to become opened. It took me nearly 14 years...

    Answer by rhope4 at 2:04 PM on Apr. 13, 2009