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I want to confront my mother...

My brother is 7 years older than me, and we have different dads. We are German, but our mom and I moved to the states when I was 16 months old, and my brother stayed with his dad. My whole time growing up I was told over and over that my brother did not want to stay with us, that he wanted to stay with his family in Germany. It hurt...to think that my brother did not love me enough to be here. Now that we are talking (almost a year now) I am finding out that he DID want to be here, but that every time he asked to come live here my mom made excuses why he could not come. He came to visit when he was 14 (I was 7) for the summer, and he said that he cried and asked mom if he could stay, and all she did was cry and tell him that he had to go home.
All of my life my parents lied, and I had resentment toward a brother that I now love very much.

How do I confront my mother with her lies about my brother?

 
CarolynBarnett

Asked by CarolynBarnett at 8:00 PM on Apr. 13, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (29 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • I would suggest just sitting down and talking to your mother. There may be more to the story then you are aware of. Issues with her being able to parent both of you, issues with his father, etc. Until you know the entire story, I would take a step back. You never know what caused her to decide what she did and maybe the truth is A LOT harder for her to handle. Meaning, maybe HIS father wouldn't allow her to bring him to the states, etc. Remember to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 8:12 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • Just open up the conversation with her. Perhaps she will share her feelings but possibly not. Many times adults make decisions children do not understand. You don't know what her circumstances were and remember the times back then were not as they are today. I'm sure that taking on another mouth to feed would have proven to be an additional hardship. She probably made a decision that she thought was best. Right or wrong, it was made. It's done. No good can come from giving her a hard time over it. If she offers an explanation then fine. If not, pick up your life from now and move forward with your brother. The past is in the past.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:09 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • Just confront her. Ask her about why she said the things she did which you now know are not true.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:26 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Let her know that he said he always wanted to be here and ask her what really happened. You clearly don't know the whole story. There has to be something more to it than what you or your brother knows about. Tell her you need her to tell you the truth now that you are an adult.

    Don't forget how blessed you are to have a loving relationship with your brother now. I am just back on speaking terms with my brother recently and I had almost forgotten how much I loved his company.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 8:35 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • first ask mom why. there is most likely some reason more than you know. if she was crying saying no, maybe dad was pushing her?? just find out why and be glad for the relationship you have now.
    m4m4

    Answer by m4m4 at 9:25 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • Keep in mind that you're hearing his side of things from his memory as a child. Think about it... if there was as divorce, wasn't it likely that there was a custody plan? And she was lucky to be able to take one child out of the country and I don't know how the courts look at it there, or even here now, but if the children were going to be seperated, it'd make more sense for male to stay with male and a baby to stay with it's mother.
    I'm sure she had her reasons. It's atleast possible that there's some big secret that you don't know and she's not told either of you to spare you more pain. I'd let it go and just enjoy having him in your life again but you likely won't. So, listen with an open heart and mind as much as possible.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 9:27 PM on Apr. 13, 2009

  • I would definitely not attack her, though it may be tempting because of the understandable emotions behind your confrontation. I would simply ask her why. We know as mothers than we sometimes do things that seem wrong, but have better (if not the right) motivations behind them than they seem to at first.
    bpayson23

    Answer by bpayson23 at 2:08 AM on Apr. 14, 2009