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Not talking solves nothing... does it?

My bf and I have not been having the nicest time here lately to sya the least. I tried talking to him this past weekend and it turned into a huge blow -up. Instead of talking and making valid points, he says there is no talking to me and all of his comments are nothing but smart ass comments. Then we got back to the house and he said this arguement is not happening now, I asked when will we be able to talk.. he said (being a smart ass again) I don't know, one day...
Since then things have been ok, but nothing has been resolved. We have been getting along, but honestly, I think we have just because I have not brought up the unresolved issues (that are still a big deal to me anyways) So I guess they are just supposed to fester until the next big blow up?
I am not sure what to do ir how to handle it... any advice ladies? Please help, no bashing :)

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:05 PM on Apr. 14, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • If you don't talk then things will only fester like you said. If he won't be mature and sit and talk things through with you is he really worth your time. People do not change and if this is how he wants to treat you as a girl friend then as anything else, such as a wife, he will still treat you the same way.

    Answer by 1and1make3 at 1:11 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • It's not a yes or no answer. If tempers have time to cool down, then not talking is a good thing and it opens the door for discussion when both people are ready. To have a discussion, though, there must be some rules, some guidelines. No calling names, no bringing up past grievances- keep to the particular subject, and each person gets to speak their concerns without interruption. If the guidelines aren't followed, then tempers flare, feelings are hurt, face is lost, and nothing is solved. If you and your friend can't do this, even after your cool down period that you are having now, then get couples counseling. Hurt feeling left to fester don't get better. But do remember that it isn't natural for a guy to want to talk and talk as it is for ladies. We need to talk to get a problem resolved, a guy tends to hold it in more. So don't let your talk drag out, be very polite, very understanding, and brief.

    Answer by Bmat at 1:13 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • Welcome to my life. I lost my mind a few times when I was unable to express myself so I had to find a "way" to talk to my dh of 13 years. Now I tell him I need him to listen to me and respect my issues or I'll get sick from holding stuff inside because of his defensive reaction. If he loves you he needs to respect your concerns and listen without attitude. I can't say it's easy but i am in the middle of this right now. I said what I had to say and he somewhat listened but It's about being a team and wanting the other person to be emotionally healthy. Basically" if mama aint happy, aint nobody happy."..Good luck.

    Answer by writeon at 1:16 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • Could be this is how he has seen his own family handle problems; by ignoring them and saying, "We'll talk about this later." and then "later" never comes.

    If you don't like this method of "getting along", maybe you need a guy who understands pushing problems under the rug doesn't work for long-term happiness. (A lasting marriage, for instance!)


    Answer by timelessglass at 1:17 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • Send him and email or write a letter. He doesn't HAVE to read it...but if he does, he certainly can't argue with a piece of paper or the computer. You can get all of your points across at least.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:23 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • I recommend this book. Hold Me Tight : Seven conversations for a lifetime of love by Dr. Sue Johnson. This book describes and deals with what you are going though.


    Answer by legalmommy101 at 1:24 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • I know the feeling. Every time I want to talk, he says all I want to do is argue, and then I say I'm just trying to talk about what is bothering me, and that I'm not arguing. Now it's an argument about not arguing. So stupid. Now if I really can't let something go, I will force the talk and prepare myself for a fight, because I know I won't back down. Things would be so much easier if people could just TALK things out. Men have to make everything so difficult. As if the problem will just go away all by itself.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:27 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • People deal with problems differently, you can not and should not try to force your bf to deal with a problem your way. A wise choice would be to tell him "I'd like to talk about the problem however I understand you do not, when or if you do please come to me." and then drop it... pushing will only push him away and will solve nothing.

    Answer by Wildkitten82 at 1:28 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • Sometimes you have to stop talking for a bit, to calm down and ensure you really talk about the issue and not just insult each other or bring up things that have nothing to do with the issue. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I want you to think really hard about something: he told you there was "no talking to you". That sounds to me like he feels like you aren't listening to his concerns. So, what I want you to think about is: were you really listening? I mean, actively listening, not listening and right then thinking ahead to what you're going to say next. I would go to him now, since time has passed, and ask him if you two can sit down and talk. Then, sit down and CALMLY discuss the issues. If he tells you again there's no talking to you, ask him what he means. Does he feel you're not listening, is he uncertain how to say what he's trying to say, what does it mean? Just stay calm and stick to the issue. Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 1:29 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • i would write him how you feel and then ask him in that ltr to talk to you about what you wrote and what points he disagrees with or what not. you can't force someone to talk but at least you might be able to get him to see how you feel. his heart can't be that cold and if it is i would leave. after all he is just a bf.

    Answer by melody77 at 1:40 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

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