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Help me!! I need some kind of advice to deal with a step daughter she will be 11 in November but she already has the cockiness and smart mouth that a teenager has, how do i deal with this?

I understand that every child is different but I'm 25 and i have a 2 year old and when me and my fiance get married I will have a 11 year old step daughter. I love her so much, i mean like my own child, and I have been around her off and on since she was 7. I know she loves me and of coarse her dad, but her actions and words don't show it. I don't exactly know how to handle this. I have tried to give her an allowance if she does all her chores, I have tried to praise her when she does things that I ask her to do. And maybe it's my lack of experience in raising kids, I know I need to try to do something else different. And another thing that makes it difficult is I know if this were my own child I would be able to get through to her better because I have raised my child since she was born. But any advice would be appreciated.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:20 PM on Apr. 14, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (8)
  • Why is she aloud to treat yourself and her Dad this way? Maybe she's aloud to do it at mom's house, but that doesn't make it right. Kids today do not seem to respect their elders. I'd sit her down and tell her that attitude isn't acceptable at your house. That's what I tell my kids!
    4kidsandadog

    Answer by 4kidsandadog at 2:22 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • Even if you think this is normal for her age, it isn't acceptable. Her father needs to beef up his discipline with her, and tell her all the reasons she needs to respect you.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 2:32 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • My DH's son (now 14) started off with the smart mouth to me when we started dating in '07. I guess he mistook me for any other chick but when he smarted off to me ONCE the patrolman in me came out. He hasn't done it since. I give him his space but if he smarts off to me it isn't pretty. I explained to DH that his son talks to him the same way and it needs to stop or there will be problems at home.

    This girl's father needs to kick up the discipline quite a bit. I just can't see allowing a child to backtalk me. When my stepson backtalked me I don't think he realized how fast I moved to get in his face and dare him to speak to me like that again. He never did it after that. I think when I told him I've put crackheads in jail older than him and half as bright he didn't really wanna come and play with me.
    lilbit022009

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 2:52 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • You def have to sit down and talk to her one on one and tell her that she is not going to treat you like this any longer. I know you probally feel it is not your place to do so but if your going to marry her dad and she has been in your life as long as you say you do have the right to tell her the rules of the house and that she will not disrespect you. It doesnt make you look like the mean step mom it just shows her that you will not be treated like the step mother. of course you have to remember that she is a teen and she is going through what i like to call the pain in the a$$ stage but she needs to know you are not dealing with it. Your fiance also needs to know that you are laying down rules with her, and he should except it because your are going to be his wife and you are excepting his daughter. That could potentially ruin your marriage further down the line so nip it in the butt now! do not let her disrespect you!
    bellamommyof4

    Answer by bellamommyof4 at 3:44 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • My advice is to spend as much time as you can with her and try to lead by example, caring and attention. It is possible that much of her behaviour arises from insecurity at having to face a new family situation and perhaps she is seeking attention in this way as she sees you as a rival for her Dad's love and affection.

    Nevertheless, if her behaviour is rude, insulting and the three 'Ds' - disrespect, disobedience and deceit, she should be disciplined and this is your fiance's responsibility. It should not be left until you are married, because the golden rule is consistency, and this applies particularly to disciplining children. If this is not dealt with now, the problem will only worsen as she moves into her teens and will then be much harder to correct and will possibly adversely affect your marriage.
    janet116

    Answer by janet116 at 8:37 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • dad needs to step up discipline and you need to stick to your guns. do not allow her to walk all over you or to disrespect you. keep doing all the positive things. its important to make sure she knows that even if things are sticter at your house there are reasons for that and that she needs to treat everyone with respect if she wishes to be treated with respect.

    good luck!
    aly38914290

    Answer by aly38914290 at 9:46 PM on Apr. 14, 2009

  • I'm going through a similar thing with my stepdaughter. Although I would not say that I love her as my own and her behavior I don't think is quite as bad and intentional as what you're dealing with. I have tried encouraging her and rewarding her when she does good things but that has not worked. When she gets the reward she then starts slacking off again. I have put my foot down with my husband b/c the bottomline is that you will not be able to get any results with her unless her father is completely supportive and is initiating the punishment/conversation/rewards. You are the stepmother. It is his responsibility first and foremost. The stepmother should be a supportive role--there are exceptions to that rule, but yours doesn't sound like one of them. And don't misunderstand--I am not saying that you should do anything different than what you're doing. I'm saying that your husband needs to lay down the law FIRST.
    georgeswife5014

    Answer by georgeswife5014 at 11:32 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • Oh.. one other thing i meant to add is that I would examine closely who she is hanging out with. She gets that behavior from someone... my husband forbid his 12 year old from seeing one particular girl and her behavior has improved--and she has recently come to realize how lame this girl is anyway..
    georgeswife5014

    Answer by georgeswife5014 at 11:43 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

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