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How does someone deal w/ controlling inlaws?

My husband was in the military so we always lived away from our hometown. He got out 2 yrs ago so we moved back to the area since we have 2 little girls. Loved it at first. Now my husband is back working overseas because he just couldn't do an office job. That part is ok! but ever since we got married his mother is always trying to control and step in. Its worse now living near them. His sister is your friend when she needs something and now that i have just pushed it all away his sister wants to be close again. Reasoning? she is a horrible friend, she doesn't know how to treat people. My husband have had so many arguments over his family, but if i don't go around them they call and complain to him and then he gets upset w/ me. Even when he decided to go overseas again. His family wouldn't talk to him for weeks because it wasn't the decision they wanted....ugh!

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schalupsky

Asked by schalupsky at 10:17 AM on Apr. 16, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • As long as they aren't paying any bills, they shouldn't be in your business at all. If they do pay for something or whatever that gives them (they think) the right to control what goes on. Write them a letter and set the boundaries. If they screw up, then you can take a cooling off period where you don't see each other. Keep doing this and they will learn.

    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 10:23 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • Ppl only control you as far as you allow it. When the mom tries controlling just thank her for her advice/suggestion but you'd prefer to try it your way. As for the sister, tell her what you said here. I think honesty goes a long way. My dad used to say don't spend 10 minutes with someone you don't like or who disrespects you (uses you). I think those are good words to live by. Life is too short to waste time with ppl who are bothersome.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:25 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • The answere above is easier said then done......try to save money up and move. If you husband works overseas he must earn some good money?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:29 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • That sure is my motto! And goes expecially for his familly but they treat him like shi* to so we have mutual feeling I do tell him to give it time maybe they will stop being so rude but I realy dont think it will ever happen!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:31 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • I feel your pain my in laws come in a big number and are "close knit" which means pushy and bassy and noisy. I'm sure you feel bad complaining to you DH all the time cause after all it is his family but it drives you nuts. Hang in there and if need be respectfully say back off these are my kids

    amommy2a2yrold

    Answer by amommy2a2yrold at 10:42 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • In-laws can be a pain to deal with. One thing you need to do is set limits and boundaries. Let them know you will visit- - when it works for you (not when they demand it). If they want to visit you tell them to call first to make sure it is ok- or that you will be home. Your hubs should also step up and tell his family to not keep calling him and "tattling" to him, and that they need to back off and respect your limits/boundaries. If you could move, that would be a good thing!!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 11:37 AM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • I've learned that its better to politely set your boundaries. Arguments do nothing. And if my hubby has a problem speaking up, i do it - politely , But firm. That way, next time something comes up, its easier for hubs to say something because they already know where we stand.

    Then everyone's happy. I'm happy because i enforced the boundaries, hubs is happy because inlaw isn't upset over an argument, and because I enforced the boundaries.
    Andim happy because its easier for hubs to grow a  backbone to speak up..!!

    Don't argue with each other about it. He decided to go overseas. He needs to understand that its not easy for you as well, and you do need your own space.

    Set your boundaries if he isn't going to! Its very important they know your place in Your family. Its your job to do it girl. Not easy but you can do it!

    aMbeR012005

    Answer by aMbeR012005 at 12:10 PM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • This is all great advice but being someone in the same boat it is hard. We just moved back from Texas and we are right back in the same situation. You can make the situation worse if you come at them too strong and if they are good to your kids that won't help. I know it's lame but sometimes you just have to be the better person and keep yourself emotionally distant.

    JenNAY3

    Answer by JenNAY3 at 12:16 PM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • Sounds a lot like mine. My husband and I rarely argue, but when we do, it usually is about this. I've been trying the past couple of years to just keep my distance as much as possible. And when they give (always) unsolicited advice, I just kind of smile and nod and then do what I was going to do anyway. Most of the time it's not worth the argument. There are things I have put my foot down on though. Just try to set some limits for when you will see them, etc. Good luck!
    mom2XandZ

    Answer by mom2XandZ at 12:16 PM on Apr. 16, 2009

  • My mil is controlling.Shes always at our house telling me and my husband what to do as far as how much money we should spend and shes always coming over here telling me to clean this or clean that when Ive already cleaned the house.She wanted me or my husband to fix the shower so his greatgrandmother could use it and she said can one of you take a break from your busy schedule and fix the shower?I was laying in the bedroom with a headache trying to rest when she said this but anyway I just dont listen to her when shes trying to be controlling.I know she does it out of love but its annoying!
    cutesherrie84

    Answer by cutesherrie84 at 10:18 PM on Apr. 16, 2009

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