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what do you do when you have no chemistry in your marriage and you aren't sure if you ever did. sex is horrible, no communication, 2 small kids. we are more roommates. but, he is a good guy and i do love him, just not in love with him. has anyone had this problem? I hate hurting him, but i'm not sure I can live a lie anymore.

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Asked by Anonymous at 7:51 PM on Apr. 17, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Relationships are work and once kids are added into the equation the whole romance thing can easily go out the window. Try to make an honest effort (well both of you have to be on board really) to put some spark back into things, like going on a date (or even just have a "date" at home after teh kids are in bed, like dinner by candlelight, some wine, and a movie after) and making time for each other. It is SO hard to stay connected and have the intimacy you once had when life gets in the way, trust me I know. My DH and I will be married ten years in June and we have had many ups and downs and times where I have felt like you are feeling, but we are committed to our family and we have made things work. We are doing great because we have been really making efforts to meet each others needs and it makes a huge difference.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:55 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • I suggest counseling if you've already tried what anon655 suggested. Her ideas are great. Sometimes though more is needed than that for help in what direction to go.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:01 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • Tell him what you just told us and see what he wants to do about it.

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:02 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • cheat on him

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:14 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • yep I go with anon 714 that always helps the situation....
    this happened to me and to be honest one day i woke up and realized that I had control over everything I was complaining about. Once I made up my mind to love him and think positivly about him and did special things for HIM for no reason, it wasn't long before I was in love again and what a mistake I would have made if I had left him because he was a "good guy that I just wasn't in love with anymore" you know. Definately work on it, especially if you love him...and talk with him. Love is a choice! Best wishes!

    Answer by jeana at 8:24 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • anon:55 hit the nail on the head.
    Remember, you vowed for better or worse.
    I was told years before I had kids that when your children are little, it's going to be really hard on your marriage. So I going in, that it was going to be hard.
    Each marriage has it's ebbs and flows. there are times you are crazy in love and there are times you are indifferent and there are times you can't even look at him. It's not all butterflies and hearts.
    If you truly still love him, know that there will be a time where you will fall back in love with him. It's part of marriage. You don't leave just because you're not feeling all wonderful and euphoric.
    I'm not just spouting this out, I've lived it. I thought there was a time I wanted to leave because I wasn't in love. Then things changed and I was crazy in love. Now it's evened out and I love him, but have been busy with the kids.
    Have heart, this is part of everything a marriage is!

    Answer by nwdeserangel at 8:31 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • I haven't read the other responses, but our marriage has been kind of like that. Make it a point to spend alone time with each other. Watching a movie (or TV) does not count. This is conversation time. Write a love note to him. Go on walks or bike rides together. Sit down and make some family goals so that you have a purpose and an aim.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:53 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • Sounds like this might be fixable to the point of even falling back in love again and that you all have just developed some poor patterns of communication and don't choose intimacy. Counseling may do wonders.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 9:12 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • You never know what you have until its gone. i say try to work through it. Whatever it takes. especially with kids involved. every relationship has its ups and downs, this is just one of those downs... make it through this and you are sure to reach an amazing up! lol
    good luck sweety!

    Answer by trystons_mommy at 9:24 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

  • All the OP said and throw in he is too overbearing on our 3 year old and says mean things when he disciplines him. That's my boat.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:27 PM on Apr. 17, 2009

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