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In my heart of hearts...

I know my marriage is failing. We've been married a year, together for two but we keep going in circles about the same ol sh- every week. Nothing gets resolved so small problems turn to warfare. We sleep at two different ends of the bed. Love making is not even on my mind anymore. It feels like this relationship is toxic. Its draining all of our energy. I'm a fighter so naturally I am more willing to fight for the marriage. But I am tired of trying. I am more straight forward with what I want, DH plays a lot of emotional games to get what he wants. I feel manipulated because I love him so but I'm tired of the games. I want to let this go but I love him with all my heart. I mean I've never loved anyone like this before. I take my marriage/family very seriously. I don't even want counseling anymore because I am that tired of trying. Guess I'm just whinning but please respond ne way.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:04 PM on Apr. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • You've both had counseling? How about with your religious adviser also? I am thinking that maybe a separation is in order. Make it legal. See how you feel after a break from each other. Good luck!

    Answer by Bmat at 2:10 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • If you feel the relationship is toxic get out now, don't waste any more times because you "love him" I tollerared allot of emotional and mental abuse from my ex (he really did not realize he was doing it) before I said enough, I loved him with all my heart, I would have gone through hell for him (and I was) but now looking back at the situation (I'm still single) I realize while I do still love him, I think I was mostly afraid of being alone but I've learned to cope and we're both far happier then we had been together, we're still very close friends though.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:11 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • If he is willing to go to counseling and you are willing to fight for your marriage, it really might help. Sounds to me like you are tired ot the games and tired of being the one holding up the relationship. If he is willing to go to counseling he can learn how to be more aware of and honest about his feelings and communicaton instead of playing games, and you can learn different tools to change the behaviors that keep you in circles.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:15 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • I can't judge what you're going through, because I'm not you.. However, my hubby and I had been together for 2 1/2 years before we got married. I will say that we ALWAYS got along really well before marriage, but then afterwards and we moved in together, the shit hit the fan. We fought CONSTANTLY during the first year. However, we have now been married for 5 years and we get along great. We love eachother, love spending time together and we just "get" eachother. The first year is tough because you haven't yet learned how to communicate efficiently, and you're just getting used to being together constantly. Get some counseling, if need be, and continue trying! Most likely, it will pass.

    Answer by mom2eliandjayde at 2:24 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Well, I'm sure you have already done it but ya'll both need to figure out what you BOTH want out of this marriage, little things included! If you do decide to see what a seperation does you both need to know that seperating does NOT mean going out and being 'single'. Don't let him sabatoge your heart ! We all know marriage isnt easy and it is alot of work. I say don't give up but it as to come from both sides not just yours!!!!!

    Answer by magenl at 2:30 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • You've been married one year, and you're tired of trying? Honey, what did you expect? Marriage is two very selfish people, learning to live together in harmony. Neither one of you wants to give up anything, which means both are trying to have what you want. That's why you're fighting about the same things. Do you ever try to come to an agreement that's somewhere in the middle, maybe not 100% what you think nor 100% what he thinks, but something you can both live with. And no sex? Your husband's brain has frozen over, if he's not getting you to interact with him in the way that's most important to him. If you are to have any chance at keeping open the doors of communication, you are neglecting the key to that. Marriage must first and foremost be about the other person. What can I do to make his life better? The minute you start thinking about yourself and what you're not getting, you just slit your own throat.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:24 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • NannyB has a very good point...
    I read the book "mars versus venus" it helped me understand my hubby's thoughts and how to deal with him and how his brain works. Now it's getting easier to be married to him.
    marriage takes time and paitence, it takes 3 yrs just to get used to eachother!!
    Also are sure your not suffering from depression? no interest in sex is a good sign. There are days I can't stand my husband but at the same want to have sex anyway...

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:48 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

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