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My husband said he doesn't trust himself to stay faithful to me! What should I do??

Right now he works in construction and doesn't work closely with any women. Work is continually getting slower for his company and he has been talking about finding another job. So it got us talking and he admitted that he doesn't trust himself around other women. He said if the opportunity to cheat on me came up he would not be able to resist. When I said it is best to avoid situations where that could happen he said he tends makes the wrong choice and would be likely to put himself in a situation where he could cheat on me. I am worried now and don't want him to get a job where he wouldn't work with women, but that is ridiculously unrealistic to think he could avoid all women contact for the rest of his life. Even outside of work the opportunity to cheat could come up somewhere or he could easily put himself in a situation where it could happen. What do I do? How can I trust him if he doesn't trust himself??

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:48 PM on Apr. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Well, looks like he wants to cheat anyway.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:51 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • CAN'T trust him if he doesn't trust himself. Maybe consider therapy? He needs to explore himself and UNDERSTAND why it is that he doesn't trust himself. Did he not realize what he was promising to you when he said his vows?
    Do the two of you have a regular, healthy sex life? Like any reason for him to not be satisfied with what he was now?
    I just know that I couldn't be with a man who didn't trust himself around other women, and you shouldn't have to worry about it....

    Answer by carliemarie1015 at 4:54 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • sounds like he's warning you that he's gonna cheat. I would say keep ur eyes open, protect urself, and be wise....and it wouldnt hurt to have a plan b just in case (personal savings, etc)

    Answer by kiyad22 at 4:55 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Part of his job as your husband is to not ever put himself in a position where he might so much as even be tempted to be unfaithful to you. I think I would tell him that. Then tell him that if he ever is tempted, he should call you, no matter what time of the day or night. Also, he should have another man who will hold him accountable for his faithfulness to his wedding vows. I guess you could look on the bright side and be thankful that he has been honest about his weaknesses. Maybe now you can help him to fight against those things. I have to admit though that his is a pretty unusual admission.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:56 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Thank him for being honest with you, even though it wasn't pleasant to hear it, and get couples counseling (and individual counseling for him, and possibly you as well) TODAY.

    Answer by Collinsky at 4:58 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • He might have already cheated. Sounds like he's just giving you a warning so if you ever find out, he'll be like, "see, I told you I couldn't resist ..." He needs some counseling for sure. You won't ever be able to trust a man that says things like that. Have you told him that if that ever happened that he would lose his family? Sounds like he knows you would just accept it and go on. Don't be a doormat. You don't need to live like that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:02 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • I agree with Collinsky and the anon poster above me.... couldn't have said either any better myself. Its good he even told you about it, but at the same time, you deserve better than to have to worry daily if today is "the day he is gonna cheat". If it were me though, i couldn't stay married. THAT is a deal breaker with me. Sorry your having to go through this momma

    Answer by Lipstk713 at 5:09 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • A few things... I agree with previous posters, at least he's being honest, and it sounds as though he plans to cheat. I mean most men won't just come out and say I'm likely going to cheat. You should evaluate what your reaction WILL be when he cheats because it sounds like it's only a matter of time. As Brennen said on Bones many times humans are not monogmous... My DH and I have a open relationship, it has very strict rules that we both abide by, we are always SAFE, the other person understands that they are just a fling and love is not envolved, if feelings for the fling appear we discuss it, it has happened once where he felt a connection with the other woman... she lasted 3 mo's she tried to get him to leave his family he found out she was really a psycho (threatened me LOL) and he dropped her. We're very happy, he always comes home and he is always honest with me. I absoulty adore my DH he's a great man!

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:15 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • OP here. No way could I ever have an open relationship. I respect that it works for you anon:15 but could never do that. It does make me feel that my husband deserves a woman like anon :15 who is confident in herself enough to let her man do what makes him happy.
    I am very happy that he was able to be honest with me and let him know that. I do agree that is seems like he is warning me he will cheat on me. When I made it clear that it would be the end of our marriage and that he would lose me and being able to see his sons 24/7 he said he understands. He said that no amount of sex or the hottest woman in the world would be worth losing his family over. He knows it wouldn't be worth it, but he doesn't trust himself in the heat of the moment. Which is why I said he shouldn't let himself even be put in a situation where it could be possible. I don't feel secure in our marriage, but am not going to give up yet.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • It sounds sort of as if he is warning you, but also a little bit as though he is covering his tracks, that maybe he already cheating and this is his way of trying to come clean w/o actually coming clean. Either way, I think you both should get into some counseling. When it comes to a situation like this, you both need to be involved in the counseling for it to work. I would find a way to get the counseler to ask if he has already cheated, or you yourself just come right out and ask him. I only say this b/c if he has, you really need to get tested to be sure he didn't bring anything home. I have to say I'm impressed with you, b/c if my husband had ever told me that he didn't trust himself not to cheat, I don't think I could have stayed. I would have taken it as that he didn't love me (but I'm insecure like that, I'm not saying that's what yours is saying at all).

    Answer by tropicalmama at 5:36 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

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