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Adoptive moms - Does it, or would it bother you if a birthmother were to say she KNEW what you experienced during your infertility, if that is soemthing you have struggled with?

I ask this because I see so often amom after another come into this area or other areas of Cafemom and stating exactly what an expectant mom goes through while pregnant and disclaiming over and over again that what so many of us claim as our experiences is untrue and we are just looking for an excuse or someone to blaim.
So I am just wondering, while this happens, how would adoptive moms feel if we said you guys truly did not face a struggle or hurt at all through your infertility and you just wanted an excuse for yourselves and are exaggerating your own experiences? Would that bother you to hear someone who hasn't been there claim they know exactly what you went through and state that you were exaggerating and that your feelings were somehow not important because you were making things up?
I don't mean this to be a bash, so PLEASE let's not make it into one. I am just really curious to know the other side.


Asked by casjoh at 9:58 PM on Apr. 18, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (44)
  • I understand what you are getting at. As an example, my mom died. Unless your mom died too, you cant tell me you know what its like. You can imagine. You can empasizes. But unless your mom died too, you dont really know. To say you know "exactly how I feel" or to say "it isnt as bad as that" is unfair to me. To say I shouldn't be that sad about my mom dying because she was ill & I knew she would die, is cruel. Regardless of the reason or the way my mom died, she's still dead. Thus, regardless of why I became a birthmom my pain is still just as real. For the record, I have experienced infertility as well as giving a child for adoption. So yes, I do know how it feels on both ends. Yes, its a different pain. One, you feel responsiable & the other you feel helpless. But neither thing is a more real or more "valid" pain. both are equally heartbreaking. Sometime I wonder, am I being punished with infertility because my adoption.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:01 AM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • Honestly, this question doesn't really make sense. Maybe you should try to rephrase it.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Please clarify your question. It's rather convuluted and confusing. How can a birth mother claim to know what an infertile woman goes through? Clearly the birth mother is not infertile.

    If you're asking whether adoptive mothers would be offended if a woman who became pregnant minimized what an adoptive mother goes through (and she's adopting because she's infertile), then I think the answer is obvious.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Do you mean like when we are told that if we really wanted to be parents we would just foster? and when those who know nothing about foster care shove it out there, simplifying the issue?.

    No one says they know what it is like to be infertile but this is the constant thing we hear. Both are examples of discounting others feelings which is what is wrong with this questions section.

    I also would take your question and ask how the aparents feel when someone thinks they can say how our children are feeling. Being a birthmom does not give you an advance degree in what an adoptee feels like. Raising an adoptee doesnt either, but you are that much closer to it because you are living it every day.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:29 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Why do put infertility in the past tense? Infertility doesn't end because someone adopts. Nor does it mean the issues of infertility was dealt with before adoption or that will ever be a resolved issue. Adopting someone else's newborn can only serve to be a constant reminded throughout the years, it will always be there, always under the service, waiting, waiting, waiting, to rear it's head.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:36 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Well, I guess I made some angry.
    Clarifying - to be specific - Bmoms hear over and over again that they made a plan, that they were not coerced or manipulated, that their feelings are just because they don't want to take the blame or are looking for an excuse. Usually, these statements come from amoms who don't know or have never walked in our shoes.
    The flip side of that is amoms, who the majority have faced or struggled from infertility - another very emotional and hard moment in a women's life, which we can't understand unless we have been there and I'm just wondering if these amoms would find themselves angered or hurt if bmoms told them that they KNEW what they were getting or deserved what happened to them because they had waited to long and cared about building a career first or practiced unsafe sex and contracted a disease that made them infertile. Both, I firmly believe terrible things to tell any women but . .

    Answer by casjoh at 10:40 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • if I, as bmom who has never stood in the shoes of someone who has struggled with infertility and gone on to adopt, such these uncaring statements to an amom, would it upset you or hurt you, especially knowing I have no clue and have never walked in your shoes or known the struggles you have gone through.
    I'm not asking for a tisk for tat by making this into something that becomes bmoms say this too or amoms say this too or one says worse than the other. We all know we can and do hurt but I am just curious to the other sides feelings and if they can or are hurt when we disregard or assume this side of their struggles that lead them to adoption just as our unexpected pregnancies lead us that way.

    Answer by casjoh at 10:43 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • Off the topic already but I disagree strongly with the above. I realized how strongly when I had a pregnancy "scare" after adopting my 2nd child. I ended up not being pregnant and was VERY happy. Completely surreal to realize how much I was past my infertility.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:44 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • How can a birth mother claim to know what an infertile woman goes through? Clearly the birth mother is not infertile.

    For the record, this is exactly my point - a bmom, unless she is going through the secondary infertility that is common with us - has no idea what a woman goes through when she faces infertility and so I wonder how amoms who have experienced this feel when a bmom tries to tell them what they did or didn't go through, when they have no idea.

    And the flip side of that is - and the other basis of my question - I ask this because there are amoms who state what a bmom goes through and discounts her feelings or what she has faced through her unexpected pregnancy even though, unless they have been there, they don't know anymore than bmoms do about what it is like to be infertile.

    Answer by casjoh at 10:56 PM on Apr. 18, 2009

  • I just dont think you can compare comments about infertility can evenly be compared to comments about being a bmom. Infertility is a disease that is recognized in medical journals, is biological in nature. There is very little free will in infertility. Being a bmother is much more psychological, the pain comes from a different place. Infertility can be "cured", technically bmotherhood cannot, just you learn to live with the "symptoms". The comment above about being lectured on foster care is closer to the mark.

    Being a bmom means you are an expert on YOUR feelings, it doesnt mean you are an expert on every bmoms feelings, especially if you adopted in a different decade. Because people werent ethical in the past, doesnt mean I am not being ethical now.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:06 PM on Apr. 18, 2009