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My friend is planning on marrying an abusive man, children involved....

She asked me to be her maid of honor a few months back. Since then she has called me 3 seperate occations were fights have turned physical. He has not hit her or the kids yet, but pushed her around, called her names, distroyed things in the house. She is in charge of paying bills, but he yells at her and calls her degrating names when their isn't enough money, but then he runs out and spends a good chunk at the bars. She has three children, a 1 yr old with him, and two boys from a previous marriage. This will be her third marriage, the last two ended because they too were abusive men.
I hold three things sacred in my life, God, marriage and children. I cannot bring myself to stand by her in this wedding. I have been told by some that I should support her even though I don't agree.... But to me, this isn't small stuff, Me and here were in foster care together... I can't watch her do this to her kids!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:36 PM on Apr. 19, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Cont... so I guess my quesition is, do I stand by her in this wedding, or do I step down as her maid of honor and tell her that I can not support her in this desicsion?

    This is hard for me, due to past choices, I really am the only friend/family she has left... but in the same breath, we both grew up in very abusive households and were in foster care togetehr. I love her like a sister, but I can't understand how she can put her children through the same crap that we went through.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:42 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • OP here.. also the wedding is in two months. It would be a 13 hour drive, so I need to decided this week what I am going to do so that I can plan accordingly. My husband will not allow me to take the kids and refuses to come with me due to the situation... nor do I want to bring my kids there. So I have to make plans for child care while he is working and if I go, I need to strart planning now.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:44 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • I would have to say if it were me, I would support her as a friend, I couldn't sit by and watch her marry an abusive person. That is her decision, and consequences if she continues the cycle. It would be up to you if decide to be her maid of honor as well.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:50 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • You need to tell her everything you just said in this question...that you can't stand by and watch her do this to her children.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:50 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • I would not do it, and I would tell her precisely why I couldn't. One other thing you can tell her is that she needs to get help for herself. Don't you see that she has some kind of problem with how she views herself or she would not be continually choosing abusive men. Maybe you could bargain with her. If she will postpone the wedding and get help, then maybe you could reconsider. Hopefully, she will come to her senses and run as fast as she can to get away from this dude.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:51 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • This is a tuff situation to be in, wow i'm sure the fact that she was raised in a foster home(s) have something to do with her tolerance of abuse either she was or witnessed abuse befor the foster home or during her stay...or both...I would try to get her to get counceling before she jumps into marriage again! I would tell her how you feel and and explaine to her that getting married is not going to make things better she needs to get better mentally first and be a good mother and put her relationship on hold for awhile. I would really try to help her and not listen to old saying of just stand by her and support her...for what...for her and her children to be abused or worse. Be a good friend and stand by her side while she gets help and gets better so that she can make better choices for herself and children.

    Answer by geminisummerz at 4:51 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • OP here.. I have advised her to get counceling. I have been very blunt and forward with her with this issue. I have even talked to the local cps and a councler about her situation in hopes of convincing her to get help. Infact about 3 weeks ago she finally talked to someone from a domestic violace center wehre she lives and she was getting ready to leave him and go into protection till she got on her feet and he had a chance to get help, but then she just never left. I have pointed out that this is a cycle. I dont' beleive that it was from foster care, foster homes get a bad rap, but I have been in foster care. Most homes are very loving and structured. Her mom was horribly abusive. and the men that she was exposed to before she was put into the system took advantage of her, she is desensitized to abuse... and I think she thinks that since its directed towards her and not the kids, that its not as bad.


    Answer by Anonymous at 5:01 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • I think you need to be true to yourself, and your beliefs. You are an awesome friend, and it sounds like you have done everything you can to help her see this is not a good relationship and what options are out there to help her out of this situation. If you belive this marriage is a mistake (and it sounds like it is) then it might be best to not stand up with her. I think you need to tell her that you love her very much but cannot be apart of this. I would also let her know that this would be a very long trip for you, and you would have child care issues also. I hope she will realize what a mistake this is, and cancel the wedding.

    Answer by MizLee at 5:26 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • as her maid of honor you are condoning the marriage. Tell her of your concerns and ask her why she would want to marry someone who treated her badly? That's just sad. I fear for the children as well to purposely be put in an environment like that. Ask her to consider the children's well being. Personally, no I would not be the MOH

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:33 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

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